Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #5

and Mr Mandela's dreams are coming true.

Black and white people and Asians, Indians,

and everybody's hanging out together.

Interracial posses.

It's unbelievable what's going on, man.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. It's unbelieva...

All my black friends

have a bunch of white friends.

And all my white friends

have one black friend.

Yeah, man.

But if you are in an interracial posse,

you have to figure out,

you know, what are the rules

of the interracial posse?

What are the Dr Dre rules of your crew?

That's right, cos, you know,

what are the Dr Dre rules?

What are the rules when a Dr Dre song

comes on the radio or plays at a club?

What is the procedure that goes into effect?

Cos sometimes I'm with my white friends

and a Dr Dre song will come on.

And there's a lot of "n*ggers" in a Dr Dre song.

And they want to enjoy it,

but they can't really enjoy it around me.

So they start taking out the "n*ggers"

or mumbling the "n*ggers".

And that's just a sad sight to see.

It's just sad to see some white person

trying to do a niggerless rendition

of a Dr Dre song.

It's just f***ing depressing.

They're trying to rap along

without saying "n*gger" and they're like...

I don't know what the f*** to say.

But I know when I'm not there,

sh*t, they lean into that sh*t.

"He's not here. Turn it up!"

They're like...

...On his back!

And kill him!

I hate n*ggers!

"Say, hey, man, that's not even in the song."

"I got a little carried away.

Sorry about that.

"They should put it in.

They really should."

Don't worry, white people, get your Dre on.

Get your Dre on, get your J on,

get your Kanye on.

It's all right, it's all good. It's gotta be

in the song, though. It's gotta be in the song.

It's got to be in the song.

So the question remains the same,

can white people say "n*gger"?

And the answer is the same.

Not really.

There's some exceptions,

like, "F*** me harder, n*gger."

A lot of white women trying not to laugh

in front of their husbands right now.

"Honey, I was in college.

"I had to see what it was about.

"He made me say it."

But the question remains the same,

can white people say "n*gger"?

And the answer's the same - not really.

But wait a minute. There's one exception.

There's one exception.

There's one instance where

white people can say "n*gger".

And I'm a let it out tonight.

I'm a let it out here in Johannesburg.

The one time that white people

can say "n*gger"...

The white people are like,

"This is what I paid for.

"It's a f***ing great night now."

The one time white people can say "n*gger"...

Here goes.

Listen closely,

cos I may never say this sh*t again.

The one time white people can say "n*gger"...

OK.

If it's Christmas Eve

and it's between 4:30

and 4:
49 in the morning,

if you white,

and you on your way to Toys R Us

to get your kid the last Transformer doll,

and right before you walk into Toys R Us,

some black person runs up beside you,

smacks you in the head with a brick, knocks

you to the ground, stomps you in the face,

"Take that, you cracker-ass motherf***er,

"take that, you cracker-ass motherf***er,

motherf***er. Take that."

Riverdances on your head,

"Take that, you cracker-ass motherf***er,

cracker-ass motherf***er,

"take that, you cracker-ass motherf***er,"

Takes your money, pisses on you...

and runs away.

If you white, at that moment, you can say,

"Somebody stop that n*gger!"

As a matter of fact,

if you white and that happens to you,

you can say "n*gger" for a whole month.

But you got to walk around

with the police report in your pocket.

In case any black people

catch you saying "n*gger",

the police report will act

as your freedom papers.

"I heard you saying 'n*gger'.

Let me see your f***ing papers.

"Give me the papers! Show me the papers!"

"Christmas Eve.

"4:
48.

"You just made it, motherf***er.

"Pissed on you!

"I hope they catch that n*gger."

Oh, man.

Having a good time up here, man.

Good time up here.

Apollo.

Apollo!

Up here working.

Up here working.

I'm up here trying to do my thing.

This ain't really work, though.

This is not really work. This is my career.

It's not really a job, this is my career.

You know, some people have jobs,

some people have careers.

Some of y'all in the audience,

some of y'all got jobs,

some of you have careers.

Now the people in the audience with careers

need to learn to shut the f*** up

when you're around people with jobs.

Cos they don't want to hear your career

bullshit. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

OK?

Don't let your happiness make somebody sad.

Cos that's what it does.

No, no, man.

But I used to work. I used to have a job.

I used to work at a Red Lobster,

I used to work at Red Lobster

in Queens Boulevard.

I was...

Oh, I served you? Good, good.

No, no, I was a dishwasher.

I used to scrape shrimp in the garbage cans

then load up the dishwasher.

And that was my real job.

I never got a raise, I never got a

promotion. They kept me in the back.

They kept me back there

cos I had really f***ed-up teeth

and they didn't want people to think

that shrimp f***ed up your teeth.

And that's what they do at restaurants,

they put the ugliest people in the back.

So if you don't like the people in the front,

you don't want to see the people in the back.

And that was my real job.

I wasn't working my way through school,

or in telling jokes, that was my life.

1989, I was scraping shrimp.

OK? And people go,

"Chris, how'd you end up like that?

"How the f*** did that happen to you?

Minimum-wage job?"

I'll tell you exactly how that happened.

I dropped out of school in the 10th grade.

Dropped out in the 10th grade, which is

the dumbest thing you could ever f***ing do.

You know why?

Cos when you drop out in the 10th grade,

you really might as well have dropped out

in the second grade.

Why? Cos you qualified

for the exact same jobs.

Matter of fact, the person that

dropped out in the second grade

is more qualified cos they have

eight years of work experience.

Yeah, man.

I used to scrape those f***ing shrimp, man.

It used to kill me.

But I'll tell you, now I have a career.

I've been blessed with a career.

So if you've got a career, thank God.

If you've got a job,

I hope you get a career one day.

That's right. Cos when you got a career,

there ain't enough time in the day.

There ain't enough time!

You got a career, you look at your watch,

time just flies like,

"God damn, whoa. It's 5:35.

"Damn, I gotta come in early

tomorrow and work on my project."

Cos there ain't enough time

when you got a career.

When you got a job, there's too much time.

That's right. You look at your watch like,

"Aw, sh*t, 9:
08."

You don't even trust the time

when you got a job.

You're like, "What time you got?

What time you got?

"What time you got? What time you got?

"9:
15?" Whoever got the latest time

is the right time.

"He got the right time.

He got the right time."

You ever play the time game

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