Chris Tucker Live

---

1

[upbeat music playing]

[exhaling]

[indistinct conversations]

[crowd cheering]

[inaudible]

[audience cheering uproariously]

What up?

Stop! Stop!

[audience applauding]

I'm so glad y'all came out tonight!

Y'all here with your loved ones.

Give it up for

everybody here with a date!

Y'all lookin' good!

First date. Yeah, y'all gotta be careful

when you're first datin',

'cause people

will do anything to get you,

and then when you marry 'em,

they change on you.

And it's men and women, too.

'Cause you...

Fellas, you, before you know--

'Cause you see people,

you out there with your dates,

some of y'all datin' now.

See, you ain't out with the real person,

that's their representative

you out with right now.

You don't know who the hell

you out there sittin' with...

until you marry 'em.

[chuckles]

'Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do

anything for you before you marry 'em,

if they want you, they gonna do it.

Men, too, they do the same thing.

Men and women do it.

Fellas, you can ask a woman, say,

"Baby, you go get me somethin' to eat?

And somethin' to drink, please?

Something..."

She'll be like,

"Okay. Is that all you want?"

"Yeah, baby, that's it.

That's it. Thank you, baby."

"No, thank you."

[audience laughing]

"So, you want a lot, baby,

or a little bit?

Here you go, baby."

You do that.

You marry her and ask her,

"Baby, you get me somethin' to drink?

And somethin' to eat, please?"

[in gruff voice]

"Go get your own goddamn drink.

Who the hell you think you're talkin' to?"

[audience laughing and applauding]

[mouthing] What the f***?

"Baby, you hear that?"

[in gruff voice] "Yeah, I heard!

It was me, God damn it.

Who the hell you think it was?"

"Baby, what happened to my baby?"

[in gruff voice]

"Your baby right here, God damn it!"

[growling]

[screams]

"I want a divorce!"

[in gruff voice] "You can't divorce me.

You didn't make me sign a pre-nup!"

[screams]

But marriage is good, though,

marriage is good.

You just gotta be careful, man.

'Cause I'm tired of datin'.

Datin' ain't cool, man.

Datin' ain't...

Especially, you know,

sometimes you date and you think...

You date a little younger than you,

you think that's cool.

That ain't cool, man.

This new generation,

there's somethin' wrong with 'em.

I don't know what's wrong with 'em.

I'm serious. I was datin' this girl,

and it was goin' good, you know.

I thought it was cool.

I said, "This is gonna be good."

You know, we got close,

it was wild,

and we started makin' love,

and I was like,

"This is good. She might be the one.

She might be the one!"

And I opened up my eyes

and she was tweetin'.

I said, "What the hell

you doin' tweetin' with the--

What is wrong with you?"

[audience cheering]

"Put that damn phone down!

You are rude as hell!"

She's like, "People need

to know what you doin'."

I said,

"Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!"

I took the phone and said,

"What the hell are you tweetin'?"

Talkin' 'bout

"Chris handlin' his business."

I said, "You can tweet this,

but that's it. That's it! That's all."

What the hell's wrong with you?

Somethin' wrong with this new generation.

Better enjoy it. This might be it.

This might be the last time.

[audience laughing]

Tired of datin', man.

I dated out of the country.

You think people don't know you that well,

but they know.

They know me over there, too.

Dated a girl, man,

who didn't even speak English.

I thought it was cool.

My friend's like,

"Do you realize

she don't even speak English?"

I said, "Do you realize

I don't give a damn?

Do you see how fine she is?"

All she knew how to say was,

"Money! Money, Chris! Money!"

I should have known there was a problem.

She said,

"What 'bout my family, Chris?"

What 'bout..."

I said, "What about your family? Sh*t."

"They need money, Chris.

You have it. They need it!"

I said, "Sh*t...

I already got a family that want my money.

No, you better go back to your village.

It's over. This is over."

"Chris, this is not right, Chris..."

"You'd better go learn English,

'cause you don't hear what I'm sayin'."

I dated outside my race,

I dated all...

I dated a white girl.

It was cool at first.

She had me doin' stuff I never did before,

like showin' up on time, and...

[audience laughing]

Got me hooked on Starbucks.

It was pretty cool.

Everything was cool

till she took me rollerbladin'.

Then we broke up.

I almost broke my damn ankles

messin' around with her ass.

She was leavin' me and sh*t.

She was good.

She said, "Chris, come on.

It's okay. Follow me!"

Spinnin' around and sh*t.

"Just relax!

Go side to side like I showed you!

You're spillin' your Starbucks, Chris.

You can't play basketball

every day, Chris."

I said, "This sh*t sound racist.

Slow your ass down, Samantha!

Told you it was my first time.

Get these goddamn rollerblades off me.

It's over. It's over!"

I dated a ghetto girl.

I was scared as hell every time...

She said, "Close your eyes."

I'd be like, "For what? What for?

What you want?"

"Ain't nobody tryin' to

rob your punk ass, Chris.

Now put your arms up!" I was like,

"People know where I'm at."

She said,

"No, I don't wanna date no damn punks."

Crazy, man!

Datin' is crazy, man.

You gotta be careful, man.

You gotta be careful.

But you got somebody good, man,

just keep 'em, man. Don't go--

Ain't nothin' out there, keep 'em.

Nothin' out there.

You got somebody that's half good,

try to fix 'em!

If they got small problems, not big ones.

Those small ones,

you can try to work with 'em.

[audience applauds]

And treat 'em right.

Fellas, surprise your wife!

Surprise your wife.

Don't be doin'

the same thing all the time.

Buy her roses and sunflowers

and even sunflower seeds.

Whatever you can afford,

I don't care.

"Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow.

They'll grow one day.

You can eat 'em, too, baby."

She'll go,

"Lordy, that's so cute. He's so cute."

When I get married,

I want my wife to have a sense of humor,

'cause I'm-a surprise her. She ain't

gonna know what the hell I'm-a do.

She gonna be scared.

She ain't gonna know when I'm-a come home.

She gonna always be cookin'

and be like, "Chris, that you?

I'm cookin' now.

Don't let me mess up this food!

He's so crazy."

I'm gonna come home,

she won't know what--

I'm-a come home with a gun

and a mask, through the window.

"Get on the ground!

Get on the ground!

Whatcha doin'?

Whatcha cookin'?"

[screams]

"Who are you?"

"Baby, it's me.

It's me, baby. It's me."

[audience laughing]

"You're so crazy!

I didn't know who you were, fool.

[kisses]

You're so stupid!

Why you had to break the window, Chris?

That's the third window.

So stupid.

You better not have

messed up my roses outside.

I love your crazy ass.

You make me sick.

[kisses] So stupid.

You're always surprisin' me.

Chris!"

I'll be like,

"I know you didn't know who I was.

Yeah, you didn't know who I was.

You scared? Why you scared?

You was scared. I know you're scared.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes