Chris Tucker Live Page #2

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You were reaching for the phone,

weren't you? Callin' the cops?"

Don't stop right there, fellas!

Go up to her job.

Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job.

Gun and a mask. Go in and...

"Get on the desk! Get on the desk!

Get on the desk!

You ain't workin'.

You ain't workin'. You ain't workin'."

"What are you doing, Chris?

This is my job!

You goin' to make me lose my job!

You're so crazy.

[moans] You're so stupid.

I love you.

Your crazy ass.

You're so stupid!

[kisses] Get outta here.

I'll see you when I get home.

[whispers] Get out of here!

Get out of here!"

"I love you, baby.

I love you.

See you when you get home."

[audience laughing]

Be careful, guys.

Don't play too much.

One time she gonna come home

and fool you.

She'll come home like,

"You don't have no business

playin' like that in the park."

[stammers]

[audience laughing]

"What the hell you talkin' about?

I was at work today."

-"You weren't in the park?"

-"Hell, no! You know I had to work!

And why didn't you call the cops?

God damn, baby!"

"It's your fault! You play too much.

I don't know when the hell you're

gonna jump out of everywhere, and..."

"It's your fault.

You knew I had to work today."

Be careful, though, fellas.

If you wanna get married,

ask the right people.

Don't ask the wrong people,

because they give you the wrong advice

'cause their marriage is messed up.

Ask the right people,

'cause I asked my Uncle John.

I said, "Uncle John,

I'm thinkin' about gettin' married.

What do you think?"

He was like,

"Don't do no stupid sh*t like that.

Don't do no stupid sh*t like that.

You're free. Get out there, boy.

You're a black stallion.

Get out there and buck!

Get out there and buck, boy!"

[audience laughing]

"Get out there and have some fun!

You're free."

I said, "Uncle John,

you'll put your back out

actin' like that. Stop it."

I ain't ask him nothin' else.

I asked my granddaddy

'cause I thought

my granddaddy'd give me better advice.

I said, "Granddaddy,

I'm thinkin' about gettin' married.

What do you think?"

I thought he'd give me good advice.

He told me...

He said he glad he recorded his weddin',

so he can rewind it

and walk away a free man.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Any married couples like their marriages?

-That's good. That's beautiful.

-[audience applauding]

I haven't been married.

I'm scared to get married. I'm scared.

I just made some money.

I ain't tryin' to lose

the sh*t right away.

Marriage sometimes ain't

a good business deal.

I'm looking, you know.

I'm looking, though, but, you know,

I need a woman gonna help me, though.

I don't care nothin' about fine.

You gotta be more than fine.

You gotta be able to--

-[audience cheering and applauding]

-That's right.

You gotta be able to do some other stuff.

You got to be able to fill out

a 1099 and sh*t.

That's right.

You need to be able to help me out

with my taxes and sh*t.

You better have

an accounting degree to be with me.

Take care of your business, man.

Don't listen to people.

Do your own business.

Be careful who you listen to,

'cause that's the last time I let

Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes!

[audience laughing]

[scoffing]

Almost got both our asses locked up, man.

I'm gonna kick Wesley's ass!

I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass!

Nino Brown his ass.

I'm serious, man.

He told me and Ron Isley the same thing.

Ron Isley was pissed off.

I talked to him last night.

Ron's still mad about it. He said,

I'm-a kick Wesley's ass

[vocalizing]

I said,

"Ron, let it go, let it go!

Put the cane down!

Put the cane down, Ron.

You don't wanna do this."

Wesley gonna tell us that mess...

We was out one night in Hollywood,

he gonna tell me

we didn't have to pay taxes.

"Man, we ain't gotta pay

no goddamn taxes, man."

I said, "Wesley,

what the hell you talkin' about?"

"I'm Blade.

Blade don't pay no goddamn taxes.

You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles]

Gee Money, you ain't gotta

pay no taxes and sh*t, man."

"I ain't Gee Money, I'm Chris.

What the hell is he talkin' about?

This ain't New Jack City.

Wesley, stop smokin' that stuff!"

Good thing about owing the IRS,

though, everybody else got to wait.

Bill collectors try to threaten you, they

can't even threaten you in this economy.

Talkin' 'bout,

"If you don't pay the house note,

we gonna come and get it."

I say, "Well, sh*t, come get it.

It's upside down anyway. Come and get it."

[audience laughing]

-"Don't you wanna talk about it?"

-"No!

You said you'd come and get it.

Now, come and get this sh*t!"

[audience laughing]

-"Well, let's talk about it, Mr--"

-"No, no!

I don't wanna talk about nothing.

I don't want that house no more anyway.

I don't go down there anyway."

People, you know, people will say,

"Save your money."

You know, you're young.

You don't want to hear that.

They say,

"Save your money for a rainy day."

I say, "Sh*t, it's raining today.

I'm about to go get me a Ferrari.

I'm about to go have some fun!"

I was doing crazy stuff, y'all.

I was doing crazy stuff.

I bought two houses right

next door to each other. Just crazy.

I was my own next door neighbor.

It was crazy as hell.

I was borrowing stuff

from myself and sh*t.

"You got some sugar we can borrow?"

"You know I got some sugar we can borrow.

What you talking about?

You're me and I'm you, man.

Go on up there and get it."

"You ain't gotta talk to me like that.

Damn, dude.

I ain't wanna be rude.

I was gonna ask you. Damn.

You gonna act like that,

long as I've been knowing you. Sh*t."

Crazy, man!

I'm cutting back though, now.

I'm saving my money.

I'm smart.

Being smart with my money.

I ain't doing that buying up

all these houses no more. Smart!

Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri

are getting an apartment together.

[audience laughing and applauding]

And Terrell Owens is

movin' in, too, with us.

-[audience laughing]

-[chuckles]

And bill collectors

get on my nerve, too.

They get the--

They get on your nerve.

They call you.

They call you, just messing with you.

There's no reason, just...

I don't care though.

I tell 'em. I tell 'em.

I say,

"Look, people owe me, too. Sh*t."

"I'm serious." I said,

"Call Terry, he owes me $200.

Put that down on the bill."

They say, "We don't know who no Terry is,

or where he is."

I say, "I don't know

where his ass at neither!

Let's find his ass!

Can't you see he's the problem? Sh*t.

We're up here fussing,

he's running free with our money.

You gotta look at

who's the problem here."

Bill collectors make me sick.

They always go, "We need the money."

They act like

you owe them the money personally.

"We need the money."

I said, "Look, I don't owe you

a goddamn thing.

You know what I mean?

I owe the company the money.

You stay the hell out of me

and that American Express' business."

American Express make me sick, too.

I should have left home without it.

They get on my goddamn nerve.

They don't tell you to stop, but they

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