Chris Tucker Live Page #3

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want their money when you owe 'em.

"Uh, you're overdue."

"So, why y'all didn't stop me?"

I've been getting so much

on a credit card, I'll be like,

"I think somebody else did it."

I'm like, "Who the hell did this sh*t?

I didn't buy all this sh*t!

When the hell did I buy a statue?"

"May I remind you, I've seen you

shopping with Michael Jackson."

"Oh, sh*t!"

I remember that.

Michael talked me into getting that sh*t.

You ever loan somebody some money

and they get an attitude with you

when you ask for it back?

And they'd be like, "God damn, man! Sh*t!

God damn!

You're still worried

about that little-ass money?"

He looked me up and down like this,

"Little-ass money..."

"That sh*t wasn't little

when you borrowed it, God damn it!

Give me my goddamn money!"

"Rich as you is?

Let me tell you how much money you got."

"No, what?

No, no, you don't know what I got."

"Damn, man, I told you

I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Sh*t."

"Well, you told me last Tuesday,

not any Tuesday, man.

Go get my goddamn money!

What the hell is wrong with you?"

That's why when people ask me for money,

I take pictures of them now.

I take pictures

'cause they don't remember.

They don't remember!

When they was crying and sh*t

when they was asking for the money,

I take pictures of 'em.

I say, "Remember this sh*t?

Look at this picture. Look at it.

Remember, you was begging.

You was crying so much.

You don't wanna live no more.

You see this sh*t.

Give me my goddamn money, man!"

Then they try to deny it,

"Man, that ain't me."

"That's a close-up shot.

That is you!

That's when you was on your knees.

Right there!

Give me my damn money!"

You can't trust nobody, man.

I'm gonna be like Oprah.

Oprah Winfrey don't trust nobody.

That's why she's so rich.

Oprah don't trust nobody.

I remember one time Oprah invited

all these celebrities to her house,

and I came and all these celebrities

were in her house,

and everybody came over,

and she had everybody in the yard.

Wouldn't let nobody in the house.

We was like, "God damn!

What kind of sh*t is that?"

[audience laughing]

Everybody asked everybody,

"Have you been in the house?"

"No, I haven't, no."

-"You've been in the house?"

-"No, that's why I asked you."

"I mean, she won't let nobody in there,

but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Sh*t.

Damn.

'Cause she don't trust nobody else."

I tried to get in with Maya Angelou.

Told Maya Angelou

I need to use the bathroom.

"Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom.

Can I go in there with you?"

She was like, "Hell, no, son!"

[audience laughing]

"Who the hell do you think I am?

You know I'm wise.

Oprah don't want nobody in that house.

I'm gonna get me a ride

back on that plane.

Sh*t, I gotta go home tomorrow."

Everybody want you to trust 'em.

McDonald's got two windows.

Two windows!

One where you pay

and the other one where you get your food.

I'm like, "Man, if I give y'all

my money, I want my food, man.

Same time! Same time!

What the hell is wrong with y'all?

You better go up there

and get my goddamn food, man!"

"Sir, sir, your food is

at the next window, calm down."

"No, no, you take your ass up there.

You go get my food and come back.

I gave you my money, I want my food, man!

I don't know you, man!

I don't know who the hell

at that next window.

That could be another store.

I don't know who the hell up there."

People blowing their horns behind me,

so I said, "Man, they're playing

with people's food up here!

Y'all can fall for this sh*t,

but not me!

Now, go get my food, man.

You go up there and get my food,

and you come back, that's what you do.

All right, you don't wanna do that?

I ain't going then.

I'll stay right here.

I don't give a damn.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Go get my food, man!"

They gonna call the cops on me.

Do you believe that sh*t?

Any cops in here?

Where they at?

Y'all play too much. Where they at?

Cops play too much, don't they?

They play too much.

They're childish.

Hiding in the woods,

waiting for somebody to speed.

Man, that's childish!

[audience cheering]

You trying to go to work,

they playing hide-and-go-see and sh*t.

You know how they do,

hiding and sh*t?

Just hiding behind stuff.

You know how they...

[audience laughing]

"Sh*t.

Sh*t.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh!"

[mimicking police siren]

Making all that damn noise,

messing up your hearing and sh*t.

"Man, turn the sh*t down.

You got me!"

Messing up my damn hearing

over a damn ticket!

Then they're talking with you

like you're some little kid.

"Turn that goddamn car off, boy.

Turn it off!

APB, we need a three-four-five.

Tupac just went through here

like a goddamn bat out of hell.

Get down here now!

Where the hell were you going, boy?"

"You ain't my daddy.

Who the hell are you?

Don't talk to me like that.

You ain't my daddy."

"Why was you speeding, boy?"

"'Cause I didn't see you."

[audience laughing]

"Why was you hiding, man?

Tell me that. Why was you hiding?

That sh*t ain't fair, man!

There's good people out here

trying to go to work.

Playing games and sh*t."

"Boy, watch your mouth, son!

Now, I ain't gonna tell you again!

One more time, out of you.

One more time.

Now, you've seen us behind you.

Why the hell you start speeding up?"

"'Cause you was catching up, that's why.

I don't just give up.

My mama didn't raise me like that."

Cops, man.

That's why I love when I get over on 'em.

Don't you love it

when you get over on a cop?

When you're speeding

and you think they got you

but they done already pulled

somebody over. Don't you love that?

You be speeding and you be like,

"Oh, sh*t, he done got me. God damn.

Oh, no, he done already got somebody.

Oh, he's not gonna stop me!

[mimics car accelerating]

Hey, man, you should've waited, man.

I was going way faster than him.

I got some weed and some cocaine!"

[mimics tires screeching]

Cop be mad at you,

"Goddamn, son of a b*tch!

APB, goddamn, down here, now!

Where the hell is

that son of a b*tch going?

God damn it, I missed a big one

messing with this old-ass lady."

Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson.

I miss Michael, man! I miss him.

[audience cheering]

Michael was the king, man!

Real, like, true life king!

Y'all seen me in the video?

I was in one of his videos.

Y'all seen me in "Rock My World"?

I couldn't believe I was in that video.

I kept messing up the video

looking at Michael.

I was like, "God damn, I can't believe

I'm in this goddamn video!"

Michael was getting mad.

[mimics Michael]

"Chris, what the hell are you doing?

Chris, look straight.

What the hell are you doing?

You're messing up my video, Chris!"

I go, "Mike, I'm sorry, I can't believe

I'm in the video with you, man!"

"Chris, believe it.

Chris, believe it! Sh*t.

You're messing up my video, Chris!"

[audience laughing and applauding]

"Mike, I'm sorry, man.

I can't believe it."

Michael was so cool, man.

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