Christina P. Mother Inferior

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1

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Christina P.!

[cheering, applause]

Oh, stop it! Stop it.

Sit down, sit down. All right.

Stop it. You guys know

I cant handle that much approval.

[laughter]

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much for coming, Seattle.

This is so exciting!

[cheering, applause]

Oh... a lot has happened

since I was here last time.

Thats right.

I made a person come out of me!

Yeah. I dont know

if you guys have, uh, children,

but having a newborn, its, uh,

well, its a real miracle, you know?

Id say the real miracle

is that I stayed sober for nine months.

Am I right, ladies? Ha ha ha ha!

Heres the thing though, having a baby,

like, it broke me down emotionally,

spiritually, physically.

Physically, my body is dog sh*t.

I got tits like Rick Ross.

I dont know.

This is a pretty white audience.

Jonah Hill. Yeah, Jonah Hill.

And its so funny because the--

the big thing is breast-feeding in public,

right?

Thats a big scandal.

I dont wanna see b*obs while

Im eating nachos at the restaurant.

Oh, well, dont worry about that, sir,

because once you have babies,

you dont have boobies no more.

Thats right. Cause now I got mom tits.

Thats right.

Soggy, hanging,

mushy, purple nipples!

Brown, covered in skin tags,

Morgan Freeman-looking mom tits!

Boobies are for young, beautiful girls--

like you.

You are-- How old are you, Sugar Cans?

Twenty-five. Ha ha ha ha!

Twenty-five.

Whats gonna happen tomorrow?

I dont even know.

[snorts]

I might go to brunch or, like,

Netflix and chill-- Whatever.

Its so great. Look at you.

See, youve got boobies.

Everybody stop and look. These are b*obs.

Crane your neck, lady. Look, yeah.

Those are perfect.

See, boobies,

you want to just snuggle and...

and...

You know, like a soft-serve ice cream.

You wanna mash it in your face! Aaah!

But mom tits...

Mom tits you wanna throw in the trash.

And its messed up because, like,

none of my, uh, girlfriends told me

how hard it was having children.

Like, women dont admit

to feeling ambivalent sometimes

about raising kids.

Instead they use soft language,

and they say things like,

Well, hmm... having a child, its, uh...

[chuckling]

Well, its challenging.

Im like, No. No!

No. Sticking to a diet is challenging.

Doing a yoga pose is challenging.

Holding in a fart during a massage...

Which I cant do anymore, by the way.

No, I love my son. I do.

He was, like, the best thing

that ever happened to me.

He is the love of my life.

His name is Ellis, and hes 18 months old.

And I-- I love him so much.

And I am-- Thank you, yes.

Thank you for love.

Oh!

I love him so much,

and I am a fierce mama wolf.

And I would slit all of your throats...

[screams]

...to save my kids life.

But...

But sometimes

I might lock myself in the bathroom

and clean my ears,

and I might just push that Q-tip

all the way in.

Its challenging.

Nobody tells you that,

like, pregnancy, thats the fun part.

Being pregnant was so fun, you know.

Cause I would get the ultrasounds

every week,

cause I was, like, an old mom,

and I would mess with those nurses.

Theyd have that wand in me,

and Id be like,

Oh, hey, can you see

if my high school boyfriends class ring

is still in there?

Can you tell if my son is gay?

How bout black? I dont know.

The best part was lying to my husband.

Because they dont know anything

about the female body.

You can tell them anything, you know.

Id be like, Oh, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo,

theres so much I cant do

now that Im pregnant.

Oh, I cant have wine. I cant eat sushi.

Oh, yeah, I cant give blow jobs either.

No. I read on the Internet

they make the baby autistic.

Of course, hes like, So?

Its challenging.

Its kinda crazy

when you think about it though,

like, philosophically,

when you think about how much it takes

to make every one of you,

every human being.

I mean, like, a woman carries you lovingly

in her body for nine months.

And then [raspberry] births you.

And then carries you in her arms

for two more years

and feeds you and loves you

and reads to you and sings to you.

And I gotta tell you,

most of you, not worth it.

A lot of goddamn losers on the planet.

Just genetically speaking,

millions of Snookis...

one Beyonc.

Most of you wont win a Pulitzer Prize

or a Cracker Jack prize.

What can you do?

But my favorite part of having a baby is

they tell you to have a birth plan, right?

A f***ing birth plan.

As if you got anything to do

with bringing a child into this world.

Its between God and that baby.

Got nothing to do with you.

But all these nutbags in LA,

theyre like, Oh, Christina,

you gotta have that baby naturally.

You gotta do it natural.

You gotta give birth naked in a creek.

You can bite on branches for the pain.

Argh!

Well, women have been doing it that way

for thousands of years.

Well, yeah, before drugs were invented.

They were like,

Christina, whats your birth plan?

I was like, Motherf***er,

I plan on not feeling sh*t!

Give me the 1950s birth.

Put me out, wake me up three days later

with a baby and a martini.

Lets hand that kid off

to some nice overweight black lady

in a maid costume.

Let Maisy raise it.

Well, heres--

The black guys laughing. Its fine.

Guys, relax, okay? I mean...

I can feel your collective anuses

tightening.

Like, This is Seattle.

We dont joke like that.

So they told me-- They were like,

Christina,

youre gonna have to have a C-section.

So we schedule it.

Cause they were like,

the babys head is so big,

and youre so small.

Like your

your meow is so petite.

So, I was like, Awesome.

Im gonna have my C-section, yeah.

Okay. So what do you think happened

on the day of my planned C-section?

Moms?

Thats right.

I went into labor!

And I squeezed a human

out of this tiny, little fragile meow.

And I had to have an episiotomy.

[women] No!

Oh, yeah. For those of you who dont know,

they had to cut my taint.

[giggles, snorts]

The area between my balls

and my butt hole.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[laughs, snorts] Wow!

Wow! You think childbirth is scary.

Uh, not as terrifying

as that first post-episiotomy dump.

Holy sh*t, that is a nail-biter, huh?

[nervous giggling]

Oh, cause its all Frankenstein

loose-meat sandwich down there.

Yeah. Do you guys have Arbys here?

You know what Im talking about?

You dip it in the juice and then the...

Oh.

Nobody tells you that stuff, man.

Nobody tells you.

And nobody tells you this, okay?

Its not good, but--

I dont mean to scare you guys,

but when you have a baby...

you kinda hate your husband.

I mean not-- Just for, like, a lot.

You really hate him.

Just in the beginning, you know.

Youre so full of hormones,

and its so traumatic, its so weird.

And, I mean,

you could be married to Gandhi,

and you would just still just hate him!

Like, I remember breast-feeding our son

in the middle of the night,

just breast-feeding our kid

at 4:
00 in the morning, rocking,

muttering to myself in the dark.

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