Christina P. Mother Inferior Page #2

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You motherf***er.

Well, your career keeps going.

Im stuck here breast-feeding this baby.

Well, have fun in New York.

That must be nice.

Can I help you with anything?

Yes, you can grow a pair of tits.

How bout that?

But then it passes. It passes.

And then you go back to normal, you know.

And, actually, I really like my husband.

I like him. I love him.

I dont know why people

marry people they hate.

You can choose who you marry.

This isnt India. Just...

I love my husband. I laugh at his jokes.

I think hes fantastic.

And then all day, every day,

I wanna punch him in his dumb face.

And its not the big things

that make you wanna kill your spouse.

Its little stuff.

Little stuff.

Like, why does he have to ask me

where everything is...

all the time...

in his own goddamn house?

Like Im Carson, the butler,

and we live in Downton Abbey or something.

All day on a loop-- Where are the keys?

Wheres the dog? Wheres the garage?

When we got married, we were so poor

we lived in a studio apartment.

A studio apartment.

And he had the nerve to ask me

where stuff was.

Wheres the spatula?

Im like, Motherf***er.

Everything we own

is out. Like, what...

How lazy are you?

But I dont nag.

Dont nag. It falls on deaf ears.

Do what I do:

Use positive reenforcement.

Positive. Like Cesar Millan.

[Spanish accent]

I use calm assertive energies.

I am the pack leader.

So when I see the behavior

Id like to see more of,

I encourage it.

Ill see him doing something,

Ill get up behind him,

Ill be like, Oh, oh, yeah.

Mmm, you loading up that dishwasher?

Oh, you know clean dishes

make me wanna suck stuff.

But dont say that

unless you mean it cause

theyll come looking for payment quick.

And then you gotta be like, No!

Or whatever that stupid

Well, no, cause theres a small window

where a woman will do that, you know.

And I mean like

in the beginning of the relationship,

thats the best for a guy.

Thats blow job season.

In the beginning,

were so thrilled to be there,

well blow you for anything.

You got me tickets to the comedy show?

[grunting]

Six-piece McNuggets.

[grunting]

You open the car door for me?

[grunting]

And then you get married, and its like

Honeymoon blow job?

No, we stopped serving that yesterday.

Yeah, that aint on the menu anymore,

my man.

You better get that

while the gettings good.

But you gotta do that stuff, you know,

you gotta, Oh, I love it.

Well, you have to, man.

I dont wanna be single.

Are you kidding me?

No way, not in this era. Uh-uh.

No way. Cause women, you know,

we cant just get all old and fat

like in the good ol days, you know?

Like, now, now we gotta maintain

our fuckability at every era of our lives.

Its exhausting.

You know,

Kathy Bates is an amazing actress

because she kinda has to be.

You know, I mean, like, you turn 30,

you pump out a kid,

and now they call you MILF.

Blah-blah-blah!

Forty, and now Im a cougar. [snarls]

Then youre a grandma, and youre like,

Ah, sweet. Im out of the system.

No, you aint.

Now, now, they call you a GILF.

A grandma Id like to f***.

No, not Nana.

Not sweet, butterscotch candy-givin Nana!

No!

And heres the thing thats wack.

Theres nothin for dudes, right?

They dont call you guys animal names

or acronyms.

They dont call you guys DILFS.

Well, its true, you know, cause theres

no such thing as a dad you wanna f***.

Well, no, I know this because

Ive been in the airports in the Midwest,

and I have seen the dads.

Oh, Ive seen you dads.

Really, Dad?

You think some woman is gonna be like,

Oh, yeah.

Dad. Oh.

I love those faded blue jeans you got on.

Mm-mmm! Oh, is that a brown braided belt?

How do you keep those white

New Balance sneakers so white, Dad?

Oh, oh, is that a phone holster?

Ring-ring, official dad business.

Dad, I love the clever way you kept those

glasses on your head with that rope.

But what always gets me, dads,

its always in the jeans.

Oh, its always in those jeans.

Cause theyre always so high

and so tight.

Theyre so high and tight.

[cheering]

Yeah!

You can almost see the outline...

of Dads vagina.

Right next to

That expired Subway punch card

In Dads wallet

Oh, my God. Who am I?

Who are we?

Oh, my gosh. I cant believe Im a parent.

I cant believe I have to raise a human

in this world.

The world is so messed up.

And-- And I feel bad for this generation.

I really feel bad for millennials,

for you guys, like... yeah.

Well, cause everybody hates you so much.

See? They hate you.

[laughs] Yeah, kill her. Yeah.

I know, its so messed up,

and I think the reason

that people dont like you that are my age

is because you guys

like yourselves so much.

You guys have self-esteem.

And my generation, we did not.

Like, we hated ourselves.

Like, our song was Loser, by Beck.

Right.

But its not your fault, man.

What happened was the Gen Xers--

Im a Gen Xer, I guess,

on the tail end of it, whatever--

we overcompensated

for our crummy childhoods,

and we oversteered the ship, man.

And now theres helicopter parenting

and attachment parenting

and homeschooling and unschooling

and paleo diet and vegan diet.

Nobody can get their feelings hurt.

Safety obsession.

In my neighborhood, a child

cant even walk to the park by themselves

unless they wear a sign that says

free-range kid.

Yeah, were all freaked out about stuff

that we decided on long ago.

Things like vaccines.

There are people who are not vaccinating

their children.

Yeah. And you know why?

It kind of happened, in part,

because of Jenny McCarthy.

-You know who Jenny McCarthy is, yeah.

-[audience murmuring, booing]

Former Playboy playmate,

uh, author of nine books.

Nine books.

The Ernest Hemingway

of cum Dumpsters, yeah.

So...

Uh, which is fine, but Jenny--

What happened was Jenny--

Jenny read a study,

or somebody read it to her, and

the study linked autism to vaccines.

It was later totally disproven, okay?

But, in the meantime, this dum-dum

went on all the womens talk shows

and told women

not to vaccinate their children.

And now you have women in LA

saying things like, Well...

I dont have to vaccinate my kid

cause theres no such thing

as whooping cough or polio.

Well, yeah, because of the vaccine,

you dumb c*nt.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah.

Thats kind of how it works.

Everyone gets the shot,

and then were all immune to the disease,

but it only works if we all participate.

Like a potluck or a circle jerk.

And why are we taking advice from

the lady who married the wrong Wahlberg?

I was reading

about the greatest generation.

So these are Americans

born during the Depression era,

so they grow up all poor and shitty.

And then

And then, lucky them,

they got to go fight World War II.

But heres the thing.

They came back from the war,

and they built this country

into the powerhouse economy

that it was at the time.

Discipline, hardship, fortitude.

Now, Im not saying that this generation

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