Christina P. Mother Inferior Page #3

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hasnt had its share of hardships.

I mean, who can forget

the great gluten intolerance?

Or the peanut allergies

that ravage the nations kindergartens?

Or the horrors...

of dial-up Internet?

I cant say it.

But you guys have renamed

collard greens kale.

That was pretty awesome.

That was good, right?

Whatever. You know what?

The greatest generation,

they played Call of Duty too.

Except for real in foxholes in France.

Theres no rebellion in you guys.

Theres no rebellion.

You guys are supposed to hate

your parents music, not remix it, right?

You know that.

It aint your fault.

We sucked it right out of you.

We sucked the rebellion right out of you.

And we did it by making you

offended at everything.

Its a full-time job being offended.

Im offended.

Do you know that people are offended

by things Justin Bieber tweets?

Who I love. I love Justin Bieber.

He is so pretty.

He is growing into a lovely Hilary Swank.

I adore him.

But hes not offensive.

Come on, man, come on.

I mean, I grew up in an era

with a bad b*tch named Madonna.

Yes, now, Madonna,

in the Like a Prayer video,

was burning crosses

and French-kissing black Jesus.

Whoa! Now, thats offensive.

Especially because we all know

Jesus is white, right?

Up tall, my man. Yeah.

Racist, racist. Wow.

Did you see that?

Wow. Make America Great Again.

I heard you, sir.

Offended.

Its so stupid.

I grew up in such an offensive household.

My parents divorced,

and then my mother remarried

to an Indian guy.

Like a f***in...

[imitates sitar]

Like...

Indian guy, man.

Like diarrhea, not cowboy. Indian.

Temple of Doom , not Dances with Wolves .

7-Eleven, not 911.

There it is.

There it is.

I call that guy the Turbanator

every day.

There were no tears.

Whatever. Remember

Remember a time...

Remember a time

when you just had a racist dad?

Even if you werent white,

your dad just hated every other race.

And he said crazy stuff all the time.

Like, The Chinese

are eating all the cookies.

Women cant read.

I didnt internalize that stuff.

You know how much sexist crap

I heard growing up?

You think I let them define me? No way.

Yeah, man, dont let the outside world

tell you who you are.

Instead I just went,

Oh, yeah, my dads an a**hole.

And I moved on with my life.

Dont let them tell you.

And stop it.

Stop trying to make old white guys

politically correct.

It aint gonna happen.

It aint gonna happen.

And its not their fault, you know.

Cause they were raised

like serial killers.

Its true. Guys your dads age,

they were told as little boys not to cry.

Could you imagine that?

Telling a little boy, like,

Ah, suck it up, sissy!

Quit your crying, homo!

You know what happens, by the way,

when you tell little boys not to cry?

They grow up to become men

who grab women by their pussies.

Thats right.

I dont know.

I dont even know how

Im gonna raise a boy in todays world.

I mean I cant, um--

I cant dress him up in blue.

Well, because he hasnt chosen

his gender identity yet.

Its child abuse. I have to call him

toddler self or baby self.

Have you heard about this stuff

called non-binary?

[giggles]

Okay. This is mind-blowing to me.

I dont know.

Uh, so theres this thing--

Its not the same as sexual orientation.

Its not like being gay or straight

or bisexual.

Its your gender expression, right?

So, in the morning, you could be like,

Hey, Im a woman.

And then by lunch, be like,

Im kind of a dude.

You can be astral-gendered.

Yes, color-gendered.

You can be animal-gendered.

You can ask that people call you

different pronouns,

like zim, zer, or zey.

Imagine explaining non-binary

to your dad.

My dad was like, Oh, yeah.

[Hungarian accent]

We used to call them faggots.

Well, you cant explain that stuff

to old people. Okay?

My dad still doesnt get the difference

between the TV and cable remotes.

Its been 15 years!

But that whole non-binary zim-zer

That stuffs always been around.

Thats not new, by the way.

That aint new.

But

But the zim-zers have always

been spectacular.

Theyve always been exceptional.

You know what I mean?

Theyve always been, like, David Bowie.

Not Keegan who runs

the juice bar at Whole Foods.

But whatever.

I dont discriminate based on gender

or sexual orientation or race or weight.

None of that, man.

I dont judge based on that.

I judge based on grammar.

-[hooting, applause]

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

If I have to hear one more person say,

Me and Tom are going to the beach,

or Me and Stacy are going to dinner.

Its never me and so-and-so, fucktard.

-You sound

-[man] Yes!

You sound like Cookie Monster

when you say that.

Oh, me lost me cookie at the disco.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Yeah, me is gonna have an aneurysm

if I have to hear that one more time.

And you dont go and check out books

from the liberry.

You dont go to Starbucks

and order an expresso.

Its not irregardless.

J.Los ass is not volumptuous.

And you dont lack the stanima.

[applauding]

Yeah.

But my personal favorite

is when people are like,

You know what, Christina?

Thats just a blessing in the skies.

And Im like,

Oh, yeah? Way up there, huh?

[sighs]

And then Caitlyn Jenner happened.

Oh, are we sufficiently sick and tired

of Caitlyn Jenner?

-[snorts] Yeah, Im over it. Over it.

-[applauding]

And Im not ragging on Caitlyn

because shes transgendered

or a member of the LGBT-QRSTUV,

sometimes-Y community.

How many letters are we gonna add to that?

Its like solving the final puzzle

on Wheel of Fortune .

Call me Caitlyn.

Call me Caitlyn, damn it.

All right. Sh*t.

Weve been calling you Bruce for 70 years.

Give us a minute!

Well catch up to you.

Caitlyn.

Caitlyns not, like, a hot girl name.

You know, youd think that youd

wait 70 years to be a woman,

youd choose kind of a--

kind of a sexy name.

Youd think one of her girlfriends

would have been like, Look, b*tch.

Uh-uh. Caitlyn-- Caitlyn aint a hot name.

Caitlyn does your taxes.

But Krystal?

Shes a whore.

Like, Caitlyn will go down on you.

But Krystal?

Shell eat your ass.

Yeah.

I mean, the honest-to-God truth is,

why Im annoyed with Caitlyn Jenner,

is cause that whole thing happened

and it was like the sky opened

and comedy manna just fell.

And all the comedians were like,

Yes! Ch-Ching! Here it is, guys!

Bruce is Caitlyn. Lets go.

But we werent allowed to make fun of her.

Nobody was allowed

to make fun of Caitlyn Jenner

because Caitlyn Jenners a hero!

Caitlyn Jenners a hero!

All right, all right,

Caitlyn Jenners a hero.

But lets not forget the other hero,

which is Photoshop.

Am I right? Okay? A little--

Its still a little ratchet, you know.

Uh, Christina, thats trans-phobic.

Well, she wants to be a woman,

its time to get criticized like one.

[cheering, applause]

Oh! Welcome to the sisterhood, b*tch!

And f*** you for joining after menopause.

She can handle it. Caitlyns a big girl.

She can handle the jokes.

Shes a member of the most famous family

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