Christina P. Mother Inferior Page #4

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in the world.

And the TV show,

Keeping Up With the Kardashians .

Oh, my God, Im over it, man.

I love the title.

Its very misleading, first of all.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Keeping up with them?

Like, whoa, what are these women doing?

Are we digging wells in Uganda?

Are we feeding Romanian orphans?

Nope. Just waxing our pussies.

Its our fault. Women.

Were watching this crap.

And then theres spin-off shows.

Theres Kourtney and Kim Take New York

and Kourtney and Kim Take Miami .

How about Kourtney and Kim Take Algebra ?

Id watch every episode of that show.

Oh, my God. Math is hard.

Cant I just blow someone

to do it for me?

Well, youre in luck, Kim.

The Miami Heats in town.

Oh, right. Like those guys can do math.

Come on.

Kourtney and Kim. What the f***?

If those two girls werent rich,

it would be

Kourtney and Kim Take Your Order .

I mean, I dont know. Theyre okay.

I mean, theyre pretty. Thats awesome.

I just feel like I dont--

I dont, uh, like the narcissism.

Theyre just too narcissistic.

This whole thing--

What is that where you take the same

picture of yourself over and over?

-What is that called?

-[man] Selfie.

Mental illness. Thank you. Yeah.

[laughing]

Love me, Daddy? How bout now?

Maybe if I get enough likes

itll fill the void in my heart.

[whines]

I dont know. I grew up in a crazy--

We grew up in a crazy, resilient time.

You know that our generation is

considered the least-parented generation?

Thats true. Look that sh*t up

on Wikipedia. Its there.

The least-parented.

And we dealt with crazy stuff, man.

Like, uh, crack cocaine.

And AIDS.

And Friends .

I remember when AIDS first came out,

you didnt know how you could get it.

Nobody knew how you could get AIDS,

and people would say crazy stuff like,

You can catch AIDS

from a toilet seat at a musical.

-We had no idea.

-[mild laughter]

I like that joke so much more than you do.

[laughter]

Im never gonna stop telling it. Never.

Its for me. Just for me.

Yeah, we were

the least-parented generation.

We were latchkey kids.

You know what that is, Millennial?

Is that a band? No, its not a band.

Okay, so a latchkey kid--

Heres what it was.

You had a key to your own house

and you would go to

junior high school or whatever

and school would let out,

and then rather than arrange

for proper child care

you would let yourself into your own home.

And then

I dont know.

You could be alive

by the time your mom got home.

And we ate terrible food,

food you could only cook in a microwave

cause you couldnt use the stove

until your mom got home.

Yeah, I grew up

on a steady white trash diet

of tater tots,

frozen pizza with that fake cheese--

it wasnt even cheese, it was rubber--

and Chef Boyardee in the can.

Oh, it was so good,

with the fake meatballs.

And then youd eat it and have,

like, an electric orange ring

around your mouth.

People are like,

Are you wearing lipstick?

No, just the glow of a healthy diet.

[laughs]

But to this day, my death row meal

is macaroni and cheese.

[audience] Whoo!

Dude, that is my jam! I love that sh*t!

Now, my husband grew up with two parents

who never threw

plates of food at each other.

[mock blabbering]

Mm-hmm.

So he didnt know how to make

macaroni and cheese.

Right.

So I was like,

Youd better get your entire life

Im gonna show you how to do this.

So I was showing him

how to make macaroni and cheese

and explaining to him

how its never cheesy enough.

Theres never enough

goddamn orange powder.

Its never cheesy enough!

He goes,

Why dont you open up a second box

take the flavor packet out of that one

and put that on the first.

I was like,

Motherf***er, were not millionaires!

Oh, okay, Rockefeller, yes.

Oh, I bet you pay for Pandora too, huh?

Uh-uh.

We had things called PSAs--

public service announcements.

These taught you how to raise yourself.

There were commercials on television

that taught kids

how to not get set on fire.

And little Emmanuel Lewis would come out--

little Webster--

Hey, kids,

we know you love to play with matches.

Nobodys gonna tell you to stop.

But if you get set on fire--

I dont know, stop, drop and roll

or some sh*t. Thats your problem.

And thats one to grow on.

Except for me.

Im a forever puppy.

And then there was, um-- there was a dog

who wore a detectives costume.

McGruff!

Ironically, the detectives costume

also looked like a pedophiles

outfit.

And he had that terrifying

East Coast accent.

And hed be, like, Hey, kids!

You see a guy whos got a van in an alley

who says hes got somethin to show you,

dont look!

That guys gonna f*** you!

Now, take a bite out of my cock--

I mean, crime! Crime! Crime.

Its interesting,

cause once you have kids

you start to look at how you were raised,

you know.

And my therapist is always

saying things like,

Well, Christina, you know, your parents,

they did the best they could.

Not really.

Nope. [laughs]

I mean, I have empathy for them

because they were immigrants.

My parents had a hard-knocks life.

They escaped from Hungary

during Communism and--

For those of you who might not remember,

Communism

is when Rocky fought Ivan Drago.

So my parents escaped from a country

full of murder and poverty and corruption

and they moved to Detroit.

Yeah, kind of a lateral move.

But, uh-- My mom is gone now.

But she was-- she was really crazy.

And, like, not-- Mmm. Not the way

every comedian comes up here and is like,

Oh, my moms so crazy.

One time she mixed ranch dressing

with Thousand Island dressing.

No, my mom was legit cray-cray.

Like tinfoil on the windows

to block out alien frequencies.

Wouldnt use the telephone or send e-mails

because theyre listening!

Turns out they are, but thats

another story.

Ah! Moms always right. [chuckles]

I still have my dad, and my dad is, like,

a hard-core Eastern Bloc dude, you know.

He was a forklift mechanic his whole life.

He eats sausage three meals a day.

Hates feelings, loves Speedos.

Thats my dad.

And my father had a real love

for our family dog.

And as dogs do, this one died.

And he was reminiscing with me

the other day about our family dog.

He goes, Ah, Christika,

ah, f***, I loved this dog.

I mean, I come home from work,

hes happy to see me.

I go take a piss in the other room,

hes following me.

I have so much love for this dog.

I have a-- Whats the word?

Unconditional love.

I dont feel this way for anybody else.

Yeah. Our son was learning how to walk.

It was, like, the most awesome moment

in a parents life. Right?

Oh, my God, my babys walking.

And my dads there

and were encouraging him.

Were like, Come on, baby, you can do it!

Come on, Ellis, you can do it!

Good job, good job, good job!

My dad goes,

Ah, sh*t.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

All this good job, good job, good job.

How about at, like, the end of the day,

one good job?

Cause were raising a Russian gymnast.

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