Christina P. Mother Inferior Page #5

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You know, you gotta

My therapist says Im being too negative,

so I wanna close this special

on something positive.

Lets talk about death.

-Yay! Okay, good. Yeah!

-[applause]

Oh, how fun!

I hate it when old celebrities die.

Not when its the young ones.

When its the young ones I get excited.

Oh, is Macaulay Culkin finally gone?

Any day now its gonna happen.

Put him on your death pool.

I just hate it because in LA

when an old celebrity dies,

they cover it on the news 24-7.

I remember when Nancy Reagan died.

It was like, Oh! Oh!

Nancy Reagan dead at 94!

The tragic and untimely death

of Nancy Reagan.

And youre like, what?

I mean, what did you think

was gonna happen this year for Nance?

Did you think she was gonna

join CrossFit and learn Mandarin?

Ninety-four!

You shouldnt live that long.

Did you know, in the medieval period

you died at 35? Thirty-five, lights out.

And you died of crazy stuff.

Like, a dragon would come out of the sky!

[hisses] Breathe fire on you!

Orcs with their machetes would just--

[snarls]

Slice you right in half, man.

Ninety-four?

What are you gonna do with that much life?

And Im not, like, suicidal

or anything like that.

Like, I love life.

I am a goddess. I made life.

But theres only so much sh*t

you can do on the planet.

You know what I mean?

Like, youre born, hopefully,

in a first-world country, right?

If youre lucky, you get two parents.

Maybe one of them is remotely normal.

You go to junior high school.

You learn to smoke some cigarettes.

You turn goth.

You get finger-blasted by some nice guy

behind the racquetball courts.

In the summer of 1991

you go to Lollapalooza

and drop two hits of acid instead of one,

freak out and lose your mind

during Janes Addictions Ocean Size.

You have to leave,

and you forever regret that

because they broke up shortly after

and you never got to see them perform.

You go to college.

You study philosophy.

You graduate,

only to find that they arent hiring

at the philosophy company.

You get a job,

or 22 of them in the course of four years,

that you either quit or get fired from

until you find something

you really enjoy doing,

and you stick to it and you grind it out,

week after week,

in seafood restaurants, hibachi grills

and dive bars and comedy clubs

until finally, finally ,

after 14 f***in years,

they give you your own goddamn

comedy special in Seattle!

-[audience cheering]

-Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah.

You get married, you pump out some kids,

you get a mortgage.

You come to the comedy show. You make

the mistake of sitting in the front row.

You go home.

You screw. You take a sh*t.

And then you die.

And thats it.

Unless youre Buddhist.

Then rinse and repeat.

And thats life!

And thats life.

And its beautiful because its finite.

Theres a beginning, a middle and an end.

But some people

dont want to leave this planet.

Mm-mmm. Some people get greedy with life.

Greedy motherfuckers.

People like Dick Clark.

Oh, you remember Dick Clark, right?

Hosted American Bandstand

and New Years Rockin Eve .

And he was really good. He was on TV

from the time television was invented.

Quite literally. Literally.

And he was really good at his job.

Until one day

Dickie had a stroke.

And I mean like a

[groaning]

A stroke.

It was bad.

So bad. Like

You ever see, like,

a 15-year-old Chihuahua?

Like, a really old one?

Blind in one eye,

patchy fur, that gnaws on itself.

[snarling]

But with an ironic name

like Sunshine or Hope.

That was Dick Clark.

I know, and youd think that

somebody who worked in television,

where this is really important,

might step down from the gig.

Not old Dickie.

This narcissistic douche bag

refused to stop hosting

New Years Rockin Eve

because he was convinced

he was the only person in show biz

who could count backwards from ten to one.

Now, I wasnt there for the last time

he hosted New Years Rockin Eve ,

but, I mean,

Id like to act it out for you, if I

[audience cheering, applauding]

[laughing]

Well, I guess I have to. Okay!

Here we go. [clears throat]

Dick Clark hosting New Years Rockin Eve

for the last time. Here it is.

Hey, were comin at you

live from Times Square.

We got Dick Clark down on the ground.

Hey, Dick, tell us, how do all those

hot guys and gals look tonight?

I can see their pussies!

[laughs]

Ah, Dick, we never know

what youre gonna say.

Hey, why dont you go ahead

and just do the countdown, Dick?

Just go ahead and count us down.

Ten

four

Salmon is delicious

Aw, geez, these Puerto Ricans

basically f*** in the street, dont they?

Well, thats it for us.

Id really watch that show if he did that.

I think my therapist is right.

Im being too negative.

Thats why Im gonna

get positive on death.

Here is my proposal to you, Seattle.

You give me

the last two weeks of your life

and we go on

your last cruise.

Hear me out.

I get us a nice ship. A nice one.

Not that Carnival Walmart-at-sea sh*t.

Like a

Like one of those Italian ones, you know?

You come on my boat,

I give you a bag of black tar heroin

and a bunch of filthy needles.

Cause who gives a sh*t, right?

[laughs, snorts]

And we do all the drugs

youve ever wanted to do.

Its LSD, GHB, DMT.

We call Cosby, get some quaaludes.

Crystal meth. Cocaine.

We get so high that

we grind our teeth down to nubbins.

[yapping]

We have the cosmic realization

that theres only one of us here.

Were all spokes on the same wheel

of human existence.

There is no man, there is no woman,

there is no black, there is no white,

there is no non-binary--

[whispers] There is no non-binary.

Were all manifestations

of one glorious, loving being.

Love is the only thing that matters.

Love is the only thing that is real.

Control is an illusion.

The only thing you can control

are the thoughts in your head,

and as Socrates said,

the unexamined life is not worth living.

And as Bill and Ted said,

be excellent to each other.

[cheering, applause]

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

[clears throat]

And after that the buffet, because

we havent eaten in, like, four days.

And its everything youve ever wanted.

Its, uh, macaroni and cheese

with plenty of orange.

Chef Boyardee. As many cans as you like.

Theres a chocolate fountain

that guys can stick their wieners in.

Whoo! Look at me!

So weve done the drugs,

weve done the eating.

And now comes the sex.

Oh, the sex.

And it is Sodom and Gomorrah.

Everybody runs a train on the millennial.

Oh, theres so much f***ing and sucking

and 69, or whatever that is.

And theres so much cum.

Theres so much.

And just when you think

there cant be more cum

Katy Perry comes on board.

And she blows all the guys.

But none of the wives

or girlfriends get mad

because Ryan Gosling, he comes on board.

And he listens to all of us.

Glorious.

Glorious.

Okay, so, you know, thats it.

Its the end of the two weeks and weve

done all the partying we can handle.

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