Christmas Cupid Page #7

over there and be like,

"Hello, can I buy some ointment to

put out the fire in my underpants?"

No! It's humiliating!

Oh, and there's nothing embarrassing

at all about stealing it?

Um...

Are you sure?

'Cause I think it's a

little embarrassing.

We put a copy in every gift bag.

All 2,000 of them.

Oh! I mean, yes.

You're right. Get the gift

bags back, right away.

Got it.

You know, what I want to know is why in

the world would someone that good-looking

become a pharmacist?

Hey, Jenny! It's Sloane again.

I'm really sorry.

Hey! What happened?

Are you okay?

It's just I'm surrounded

by crazy people here at work

and they just won't

leave me alone.

Try being married to Ed!

Okay, he is so stressed out, he's

acting like a total lunatic.

This morning, I literally caught

him talking to a Cornish game hen.

As long as the chicken's

not talking back to him.

Seriously.

But you know what? He's going to

chill out once business picks up

and people start using those gift

certificates you sent out for us.

Oh! The gift certificates.

You didn't send

them out, did you?

Um...

Sloane! You promised!

I know,

and I'm really sorry.

There's just been so much

going on with work.

Did you hear?

You got the promotion!

What?

Sloane?

Uh, Jenny, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to

call you back again,

I'm really, really sorry.

But I need... Sloane!

I got the promotion?

Uh-uh! You gotta be

kidding me, right?

Of course

I'm kidding.

Why would they

promote you?

Listen, you little jerk.

So far today, I've set up visas

with the state department

to allow the Vienna Boys Choir

to perform at the premiere.

I've arranged transpo and housing for

23 of Caitlin's childhood friends.

I just confirmed Lady Gaga

to sing Paparazzi,

Caitlin's favorite song,

and I just negotiated with Elton

John to rewrite Candle in the Wind

to sing at Caitlin's

graveside.

I haven't showered,

I haven't slept,

I've got ex-boyfriends

popping up left and right

and you want to take out your

prepubescent insecurities on me,

to make yourself

feel better?

It was just a joke.

I don't have time

for jokes!

Now, will you

please excuse me.

Oh! Have a productive day.

- Well done.

- Thank you.

I've to call Jenny back.

Yes, you do.

Jenny! It's me again.

Oh, hey, Sloane. Can you

hold on just a second?

She hung up on me.

What? Brad was right.

Chick fights are hot.

Maybe you should send

her a basket of pears.

11:
30.

It's almost Christmas,

you know.

If you want to make

things right with Patrick,

you kind of

need to do it now.

Where do you

think I'm going?

Hey, man.

It is really, really late, and you

need some sleep so Santa can come.

All right?

Did you hear that?

I think I just heard

reindeer on the rooftop.

Close your eyes. Come on.

Gotta get some sleep.

Goodnight, buddy.

Patrick? Uh...

Patrick! Wait!

What?

I wanted to explain to

you about last night.

No, that's okay,

I understand.

I mean, what, we've

been apart for years.

It would be silly for me to think

that you hadn't met somebody else

in all this time, but

what I don't understand

is why you felt the need to

flaunt it in front of me.

Flaunt it?

What do you mean?

We were on a date.

And you left in the middle of that date

to get... Oh, what was that? Engaged!

What kind of a person

does that?

Look, you don't

understand.

I thought that Andrew

and I had broken up.

He cheated on me,

see, so I called you...

To get back at him?

Kind of.

Who are you?

Excuse me?

Who are you?

I'm me, Sloane, the same girl that

you fell in love with in college.

No, no, you see, that Sloane,

she was warm and funny

and she cared

a lot about people.

You're nothing like her.

I can never fall in love

with a girl like you now.

That's a terrible

thing to say.

Yeah, well.

The truth hurts.

Wait.

Where are you going?

Home.

You're not going to go straighten

things out with Patrick?

No. He made it

clear how he feels.

If he changes his mind,

he knows where to find me.

Sloane, he was just mad.

I'm sure

if you talk to him,

he'll know that you're not as

horrible a person as you seem.

Thank you.

Come on, you know

what I mean.

Look, you have to go back there

and apologize to Patrick.

Only thing I need to do is go over the

invites for the final list for the party.

Seriously?

After all that, you're

still putting work first?

It's all I have left.

Merry Christmas...

Sloane.

Midnight.

You? You mean, you're the

Ghost of Ex-mas Yet To Come?

Really? 'Cause I'm pretty

sure I never banged Santa.

Actually, that sounds like

something Caitlin would do.

Where did she go?

She can't come

on this one.

Her future ended

the moment she died.

But she will be there when I

wake from this, in the morning.

What? Why not?

She's gone.

But she can't be

gone for good. I...

I'm not ready.

You do realize that

Caitlin is dead, right?

Whether she leaves now or

later, she is gone forever.

But I never got

to say goodbye.

Well, you had plenty of chances.

You just wasted them all.

Well, aren't you jolly!

It is time to go see what

your future holds, Sloane.

No, I really don't have

the time for this.

I'm afraid you don't have

much time left, period.

It is now officially

Christmas Day.

Your future is

about to be sealed,

and once it is,

you can't change it.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Okay,

I'm heading out now.

Are you sure you wouldn't like to come

join my family for Christmas dinner?

I hate the thought of

leaving you here all alone.

I won't be alone. I'm spending

Christmas with my daughter.

But she couldn't come visit this year.

Remember?

What are you talking about?

Sloane is right here.

Sloane? Sloane?

Where are you?

Where is she? Where's my daughter?

Sloane? Sloane!

Oh! There she is!

Bad girl! Bad girl.

Wandering away

from Mommy!

See? We always spend

Christmas together.

Merry Christmas, Vivian.

Merry Christmas!

Say Merry Christmas, Sloane!

Merry Christmas.

Holy crap.

She's gone insane!

No, she hasn't.

She thinks

that dog is me.

I mean, she always referred

to them as my brothers,

but as far as I knew, she

understood that I'm a human being.

If she's not crazy,

then what is she?

Lonely.

That's my little girl.

Oh, you had me

so worried.

Never leave Mommy. Never.

After her

fifth husband...

Larry's

her fourth husband.

I know.

Carlos is her fifth.

And after he moves out,

she will fall apart.

And since you certainly can't be

bothered with caring for her,

she becomes obsessed

with dogs,

whom she knows

love her unconditionally.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

And you sound like an idiot

speaking in the future tense.

That's because

it's your future.

Come on.

Oh, you had me so worried.

Never leave Mommy. Never.

Hey.

Hey.

Good lord,

what's she wearing?

When the restaurant

went out of business,

the only job she could find was waiting

tables at the local Applebee's.

Oh, okay, I refuse to

take the blame for that.

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