Christmas in July

(Woman)... into a big airy bedroom.

Then the sideboard turns around

and turns into the bathroom.

So you can eat and bathe?

- Course not, silly.

Then what's it doing in the bathroom?

- Nothing. It turns into a bathroom.

Then another time it

turns into a kitchenette.

Another time into a fireplace.

You can't light it but it looks awful cute.

What turns into a fireplace?

- This gig in the corner.

It turns around and makes one room

into four rooms...

...so young people who

haven't much money...

...can have a four-room apartment...

...for the price of a one-room apartment.

One room isn't an apartment.

- They're called that.

It's the same as four rooms.

- But suppose I...

You turn this in the corner...

- Suppose I wanted to go to the fireplace...

...while you were in the kitchenette.

You're trying to make things difficult.

Nothing's good enough for you

except a palace on Fifth Avenue.

(Radio) I give you coffee -

the end of the perfect dinner,

the beginning of the perfect day.

And now, the moment

we have all been waiting for.

We are about to give you the result...

...of the $50,000

Maxford House New Slogan contest,

with a first prize of $25,000,

a second prize of $5,000,

a third prize of $2,500,

a fourth prize of $1,500,

a fifth prize of $1,000,

and 95 other prizes totaling $15,000.

Some folks are going to be delirious

in a few minutes.

As you may well imagine,

all that sugar draws a lot of flies...

...and the jury here has been struggling

to pick the winners...

...from a little snowdrift

of 2,947,582 answers.

That is a lot of answers in any language,

including the Scandinavian.

(Laughs)

Dr. Maxford, our founder and president,

is at my side.

(Applause)

It will only be a matter of a few moments...

...until the jury ceases wrestling

and hands Dr. Maxford the verdict,

and he will himself,

in that well-known voice of his,

read you the names of the winners.

(Whispers)

- We seem to have a little contretemps,

fox pass or what have you,

ladies and gentlemen.

But it will only be...

What's the matter?

- The jury is deadlocked.

Deadlocked?

- Eleven to one.

It will only be a few moments

before the jury untangles itself,

and we will hear the happy winners' names

throughout the world.

(Laughs)...

...(Whispering)

Ahem. Just a little patience,

ladies and gentlemen.

Can't you get it through...

- What's this about a deadlock?

Where's the verdict?

- Ask Bildocker.

And you'll get an answer, too.

If you birds had the brains of a rooster...

I resent that. You may know about shipping

but when eleven of us have agreed...

It'll be ten o'clock next week...

- Quiet.

...before I give in to bunch of fat-headed,

mealy-mouthed lame brains who...

Quiet. Jumping Jehoshaphat.

Do you realize that we're on the air?

The whole of America's

waiting for your verdict.

120 million people

are suspended from your lips.

You're giving heart failure

to the western hemisphere.

What do you know about

picking slogans anyway?

You wouldn't know a slogan

if you slipped on one.

If you gentlemen had the combined brains

of an amoeba...

But we're all agreed, Dr. Maxford.

It's only Bildocker who's holding out.

Oh, it is, is it? Well, let me

tell you something, Mr. Bildocker.

You've been getting into my hair

for the past 20 years,

and I meant to mention it before.

I'm going to give you four seconds...

No, you're not, Dr. Maxford.

I'm a member of this jury and I'm going

to vote the way I think is right...

...if it takes ten years.

You can fire me out of shipping...

...but you aren't going to

fire me off this jury...

...because I don't work for you on this jury.

I'm giving my services

free to the bunch of...

Who said anything about firing you,

you lunkhead?

All I said was that I...

- (Phone)

Yes? Oh, we are, are we?

Well, that's just lovely.

We're going off the air, gentlemen,

so just take your time.

You can stay here till next Wednesday.

Or you can still here

till Hoboken freezes over.

We have failed in our promise to the public.

We have muffed the most dramatic

advertising moment in commerce,

and you've made a fathead out of me.

The next nitwit who talks to me

about a contest...

...had better duck before I swing on him.

In conclusion, gentlemen,

especially you, Mr. Bildocker,

let me say that I have seen

far better heads on... umbrellas.

And so,

another broadcast slips into posterity,

as we bring to a close

the 449th Maxford House programme.

I wish I could have given you

the news you wanted to hear.

But I will conclude with

what the prisoner said...

...when the hangman couldn't find the rope.

'No noose is good noose.' Ha, ha.

This is Don Hartman,

wishing you all goodnight.

They build you up to a big finish

and leave you hanging on a meat hook.

You heard what he said.

No news is good news.

He said, 'No noose is good noose.'

- So?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I wish they'd get it over with.

You start thinking about that $25,000,

or even the $5,000...

Or anything.

- You said it.

When you've got it right in your mitts,

they leave you with your

tongue hanging out.

There ought to be a law against it.

Did you really think you'd win it?

- I haven't lost it yet.

How many have you lost?

- I don't know.

But every time I've lost a contest,

I've doubled my chances on the next one.

It's the law of averages. Like when I lost the

How Many Peanuts In The Window contest.

That doubled my chances...

- They put boxes under the peanuts.

They didn't ask how many boxes

under the peanuts. They said...

'How many peanuts are in the window?'

- So I lost.

That doubled my chances on the

You Fill In The Missing Words contest.

But you lost that one too.

- Fine.

I was eight to one in the limerick contest.

- But you didn't win it, Jimmy.

That's what makes it a cinch this time.

Can't you see it over there in lights?

The guy swallows his coffee, and it says,

'If you don't sleep at night,

it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk.'

That's some slogan.

- Mm-hm.

Do you get the point?

Do you understand what it means?

Yes...

- What do you mean, yes?

It's clear as crystal.

'It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk.'

If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee

that keeps you awake, it's the bunk.

The bunk when you don't sleep.

- I know. I've heard it a thousand times.

I just don't understand it.

- Maybe you don't try to.

Maybe I don't.

- A kid of two could understand that.

This Viennese doctor says

that whole idea's just a superstition,

that instead of keeping you awake,

coffee makes you sleep.

It's simple. Coffee makes you sleep.

- It doesn't make me sleep.

He's a Viennese doctor.

- Coffee keeps you awake.

Why are you so pig-headed about it?

I'm not trying to contradict you...

It's the new scientific theory.

It's the basis of my slogan.

People who think coffee keeps them awake

are nervous wrecks anyway...

...so why blame it on the coffee?

So I say, 'If you don't sleep at night,

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