Christmas Vacation Page #2

---

Happy Hanukkah.

Can I show you something?

I was just smelling-- Smiling.

I was just blouse-- Browsing.

I was just smelling-- Smiling.

I was just blouse-- Browsing.

For your wife or your girlfriend?

What? What happened?

I guess it wouldn't be any--

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping

season if stores were less hooter--

Hotter than they are.

- It is warm in here.

- You have your coat on.

- Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen?

- Because it's cold out.

Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out.

I mean, nippy out.

What did I say, nipple?

- There is a nip in the air though.

- Can I take something out for you?

I was just.... I was just looking

at something for my wife.

I was just.... I was just looking

at something for my wife.

- God rest her soul.

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead.

We're just divorced. She's history.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead.

We're just divorced. She's history.

Obviously she doesn't wear underwear.

There are plenty of shopping days left...

...until adultery-- Adulthood.

Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.

...until adultery-- Adulthood.

Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.

But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.

But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...

...not in the sense that you think

I said I did. Good golly.

...not in the sense that you think

I said I did. Good golly.

'Tis the season to be merry.

- Well, that's my name.

- No sh*t.

What do these do? Do they clip on here?

Down there?

What do these do? Do they clip on here?

Down there?

- Would you like this one?

- Sure.

These are cut really high on the hip.

Look, I'm wearing something similar.

See? You can't see the line.

- You can't see the line, can you, Russ?

- No.

No.

That's a present

from a very dear friend of mine.

Look, Daddy, teacher says

every time a bell rings...

...an angel gets his wings.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.

- Hey! How you doing, son?

- Fine.

There he is! Oh, my boy.

- Look at how big you've gotten.

- Merry Christmas.

- Mom.

- Sweetheart.

Oh, knock on the door.

Lift up the ladder.

- Listen. Doesn't Nora look old?

- You promised.

- Of course I do.

- They took a pint of fluid from my back.

Do you see this mole?

This mole on my neck?

- Think it's changing color?

- No.

- You keep touching it, it gets redder.

- I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?

- Oh, Mother.

- Isn't that terrible?

- You're not getting the garage space.

- After what you--

I'm doing the parking.

Russ, want to help?

Mom, they're not sleeping in my room.

I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.

Sweetheart. Your grandma's

got a real painful burr on my heel.

If you rub it for me,

I'll give you a whole quarter.

- A quarter. A quarter.

- I'll give Audrey a quarter too.

- I'm gonna put my car in the garage!

- He damaged my car, you believe that?

I'll park the cars.

This is what Christmas is all about.

I'll park the cars

and check the luggage...

...and yeah,

I'll be outside for the season.

We're gonna have the best-looking house

in town.

- I've always wanted to do this.

- That's a lot of lights, Dad.

I'm sure it's a lot of work too,

but if I'm out in the cold...

...and I'm committed to decorating

the house, I'm gonna do it right...

...and I'm gonna do it big.

You want something

you can be proud of, don't you?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Sure you do.

- You think you might be overdoing it?

- When did I last overdo anything?

- You think you might be overdoing it?

- When did I last overdo anything?

Come on, unravel these.

You have to check every bulb.

Got a little knot here. You work on that.

I'll get the other box.

- I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

- I'm sure he'll fall.

I don't think we're lucky enough

to have him break his neck.

Let's go.

These winds appear

to be playing havoc with that giant float.

These winds appear

to be playing havoc with that giant float.

At this point I can't even see the nuts.

They must have blown away.

But nothing is going to dampen the spirit

of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that.

Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts.

These look like giant nuts to me.

Yeah, I'm reminded of a couple years

ago, the winds were so high here...

...we almost lost Santa's reindeer.

Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor

window at Marshall Field's.

Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor

window at Marshall Field's.

They better keep their eyes out

on their nuts before someone gets hurt.

Would it be indecent to ask

the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Audrey.

Well, can we at least forbid them

to answer the phone?

Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark

told him I couldn't come to the phone...

- ...because I was going to the bathroom.

- We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

Everybody? Do you sleep

with your f***ing brother?

Do you know how f***ing sick and twisted

that is, Mom?

Well, I'm sleeping with your father.

Don't be so dramatic.

I have f***ing nightmares about

what he does in his bed...

...when I'm not f***ing lying right next to him.

Well, I don't know what to say except

it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Ellen, are you smoking again?

No!

Ow!

Hey, Dad, where do you want

these reindeer?

Just put them down there on the lawn,

Russ.

I can't find the Santa Claus.

It's in the basement. We'll get it later.

- Clark. Dinner's ready.

- Okay, honey. I'm starving.

- Clark. Dinner's ready.

- Okay, honey. I'm starving.

Obviously something

had to break the window!

Something had to hit the stereo!

- And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

- I don't know, Margo.

- And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

- I don't know, Margo.

You want to hurry this up?

I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Two hundred and fifty strands

of light...

...100 individual bulbs per strand...

...for a grand total of 25,000

imported Italian twinkle lights.

- Twenty-five thousand.

- I hope nobody I know drives by...

...and sees me standing in the yard,

staring at the house in my pajamas.

If they know your dad,

they won't think anything of it.

Fire it up, Dad!

I dedicate this house

to the Griswold family Christmas.

Aw...

Drum roll, please.

- Drum roll.

- Oh, uh....

Beautiful, Clark.

Talk about pissing your f***ing money away.

I hope you kids see

what a silly waste of resources this was.

- He worked really hard, Grandma.

- So do washing machines.

Let's get in where it's warm.

Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind.

And it's breathtaking.

Rate this script:4.4 / 7 votes