Christmas Vacation Page #3

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Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind.

And it's breathtaking.

- Thanks, Mom.

- It's probably a bad bulb, son.

You know, if one goes out,

the whole thing doesn't work.

Now, if I were you

I'd personally check each one.

- I did that, Dad. I can't--

- Now, look, if you need any help...

- ...give me a holler. I'll be asleep.

- Thanks.

Sorry, Daddy. It looks good

even if they're not lit.

Sorry, Daddy. It looks good

even if they're not lit.

Thank you, sweetheart.

- Well, Dad, it was a good try.

- Thanks, Russ.

- Well, Dad, it was a good try.

- Thanks, Russ.

- Russ.

- Yeah?

- We checked every goddamn bulb, didn't we?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.

I thought so. Well, maybe

we ought to go up there and just get--

Damn! Look at the time.

I gotta get to bed.

Brush my teeth. Feed the hog.

I've still got some homework to do.

Do the laundry. Wash the car.

I've still got those bills to pay....

Clark, don't stay up too late.

Get off me, you little fungus.

Where the hell is that cold coming from?

Ooh.... Oh.

Hey!

Hey.

Hello?

- I need to get a few more--

- Pay by check.

- I will. Not a card?

- If they return it, it's a hassle....

Russ!

- Help!

- Daddy, is Clark coming?

- How would I know?

- Is he in the house?

If he isn't farting around

with his lights, he must be inside.

I'm sure he wants to come shopping

and have lunch with us.

He's got another car. He can drive.

I have to eat so I can take my back pills.

He's got another car. He can drive.

I have to eat so I can take my back pills.

Ellen! Hey! Ellen!

I want to take off these clothes, sit

with a glass of wine and kiss your body.

I want to take off these clothes, sit

with a glass of wine and kiss your body.

- After you shower, of course.

- Of course.

- Sparky?

- Yes, honey.

Are you out here for a reason,

or are you just avoiding the family?

No. I still have a couple hundred

more f***ing bulbs to check.

In the meantime, I can light the Santa,

the deer and the Merry Christmas sign.

That should look good. Ready?

- You want me to do the drum roll thing?

- No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

- You want me to do the drum roll thing?

- No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

I don't understand it.

The house lights don't work,

the flood lights don't work.

Is it plugged in?

Do you honestly think I would check

thousands of lights...

...if the extension cord

wasn't plugged in?

You used more than one cord,

didn't you?

Maybe the kids have been f***ing

around with it. I'll check in back.

Clark!

Todd! What's that light?!

Clark!

Honey, I think I know what's wrong.

I can't see.

No, no, no-- Oh, my God--

This ought to do it.

Ellen, I fixed it!

- Oh, right!

- Oh, God!

Everybody! Come out quick!

Look at the lights!

- Get a towel.

- Okay!

- Wait. I don't believe this!

- What's all the yelling about?

What?! But--

What's going on here?

Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights.

- What's he doing, Clark?

- I haven't the foggiest.

What?

What the hell? What is wrong with this?

Damn it! Damn it!

You motherfucking…

You goddamn light!

Go! Go! Do it!

Dad, it's beautiful!

Oh, my carpet!

- Oh, Clark, it's so lovely.

- Mom.

- Oh, Clark, it's so lovely.

- Mom.

You deserve a home like this

to spend Christmas in.

- It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut.

- Dad, Dad, Dad.

You taught me everything

I know about exterior illumination.

Thank you, thank you.

Russ. Audrey.

Dear, dear Francis.

I hope this adds to your enjoyment

of the holidays.

- It's just wonderful.

- Yeah.

Arthur. Art.

Dad.

- Thanks for being here.

- The little lights are not twinkling.

I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.

The house sure does look swell, Clark.

Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances

your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.

Eddie?

- Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark.

- Eddie?

I hope you didn't do this

all on our account, Clark.

Kids, come on out here and see what

Uncle Clark's done to the house.

Eddie?

Yeah. If you don't remember,

this here is Rocky.

- You got a kiss for me?

- Better take a rain check on that.

He's got a lip fungus

they ain't identified yet.

- You remember Ruby Sue?

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh!

- Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.

- That's something, ain't it?

Falls in a well, eyes go crossed.

She gets kicked by a mule,

they go back to normal.

I don't know.

And this here's our pride and joy. Snots.

Pretty name, Ed.

We named him that

because he's got this sinus condition.

Snots, you roll over and let

Uncle Clark scratch your belly.

You ain't never seen a set on a dog

like this one's got, Clark.

- Oh, Ed.

- That's okay, Eddie.

That's something, ain't it?

You pet him...

...and he'll love you till the day you die.

I really shouldn't.

My hands are all chapped.

We were gonna call, but Eddie

wanted to make it a surprise.

- Yeah. You surprised?

- Surprised, Eddie?

If I woke up with my f***ing head sewn to

the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised.

We have plenty of room.

We have plenty of towels.

We have plenty of everything.

We're pretty well set up here in the RV.

It's a little tight...

- ...but we didn't come to impose.

- Hell, there's plenty of room.

- Quit being so damn polite, Ed.

- Oh....

Cathrine and I, we're pretty

comfy in there, you know.

But maybe you wouldn't mind

the youngsters shacking up with you.

After that long drive, we could

use a little private time together.

After that long drive, we could

use a little private time together.

Why don't you get the kids' things?

Don't forget the rubber sheets

and gerbils.

Come on. I wanna show you the home.

Audrey, help me get some

hot chocolate. It's cold.

That's a honey of a tree, Clark.

Is it real?

Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out

of the ground myself.

- Is that a fact?

- Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo!

Don't worry about it, Clark.

A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.

Before we left, he drank

a half a quart of Pennzoil.

Boy, when he lifted his leg

the next morning....

Boy, when he lifted his leg

the next morning....

If he drinks the water, the tree's

gonna dry up. Come on, out of there.

- Snots.

- Out, out, out.

Get out of there.

Get in the kitchen now.

Get in the kitchen there and get

you something to eat. Go on.

He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got

a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.

He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got

a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.

If the mood catches him right, he'll

grab your leg and just go to town.

If the mood catches him right, he'll

grab your leg and just go to town.

Don't want him around if you're wearing

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