Christmas Vacation Page #4

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short pants, if you know what I mean.

Don't want him around if you're wearing

short pants, if you know what I mean.

A word of warning, though. If he lays

into you, it's best to just let him finish.

A word of warning, though. If he lays

into you, it's best to just let him finish.

I can't believe you're actually standing

here in my living room, Eddie.

- Never thought the day would come.

- Yeah, I'm excited about it too.

It's a crying shame

the older kids couldn't make it.

I'll get that. Don't worry about it.

Let me get it.

Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic,

getting cured off the Wild Turkey.

Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic,

getting cured off the Wild Turkey.

And the older boy, bless his soul,

is preparing for his career.

And the older boy, bless his soul,

is preparing for his career.

- College?

- Carnival.

- You gotta be proud.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, last season he was

a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl.

He thinks maybe next year...

...he'll be guessing people's weight

or barking for the Yak Woman.

- You ever see her?

- No.

She's got these big horns

growing right out above her ears.

Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal.

And a hell of a good cook.

Can I refill your eggnog?

Get you something to eat?

Drive you out to nowhere

and leave you for dead?

No, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Just glad to be here.

Yeah. So when did you get

the tenement on wheels?

Yeah. So when did you get

the tenement on wheels?

Oh, that there? That's an RV.

Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy

of mine. He took my house...

...I took the RV.

It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it?

Yeah. Looks so nice parked

in the driveway.

Yeah, it sure does. But don't

you go falling in love with it now.

Because we're taking it with us

when we leave here next month.

Well, get Ed Leftic up here

to look over these figures.

Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse.

Retooling?! I'll retool you!

- Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas.

- Who's that?

- It's me, Clark Griswold.

- What do you want?

My wife and I came up with a little

something special. It's a gift.

Put it over there with the others,

greaseball.

Oh.

By the way, I hope my report

helped out at the trade show.

I'm sure it did, Grisball.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm in the middle of an important call.

Get me somebody. Anybody.

And get me somebody while I wait.

This is a new silicon-based kitchen

lubricant my company's working on.

This is a new silicon-based kitchen

lubricant my company's working on.

It creates a surface 500 times

more slippery than any cooking oil.

We're gonna fly down

the hill with this stuff.

- Has anyone ever used it on a sled?

- Not that I know of, Russ.

Well, don't go putting

none of that stuff on my sled, Clark.

- You know that metal plate in my head?

- How could I forget?

I had to have it replaced because every

time Cathrine revved up the microwave...

...I'd piss my pants and forget

who I was for a half-hour or so.

Over at the V.A. they replaced it with

a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so....

Over at the V.A. they replaced it with

a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so....

I don't know if I ought to go down

no hill with nothing between...

...the ground and my brain

but a piece of government plastic.

- You really think it matters, Eddie?

- The plate runs underneath my part here.

- You really think it matters, Eddie?

- The plate runs underneath my part here.

Over here it's, you know, nothing.

But here, if this gets dented,

then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

But here, if this gets dented,

then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

I better try this first, see how it works.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

I better try this first, see how it works.

- You be careful there.

- There's nothing to worry about.

Going for a new amateur recreational

saucer-sled land-speed record:

Clark W. Griswold Jr.!

Remember, don't try this at home, kids.

I am a professional.

Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.

Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh....

Hey! Hey! Hey! Ah!

This is great! It's great! It's great!

I'm dead!

No, not-- Hey!

Look out!

Bingo.

- Clark? You staying late?

- Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.

- Clark? You staying late?

- Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.

Just finishing up a few things.

Last day of the year for me.

Well, have a really Merry Christmas.

You too.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Bill, did you get your bonus yet?

I just talked to my son.

Company messenger brought something

to the house. I guess that's it.

Nothing like waiting till the

last minute, huh? Did you get yours?

If it isn't at the house,

I'm sure it's on its way.

If I don't get that bonus,

I'm in it up to here.

Don't sweat it. It'll come.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

Me?

Santy Claus!

Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?

What? Oh.

You scared me.

No, I'm not Santa Claus.

I wish I was.

What are you doing up, sweetheart?

- Rocky bit my thumb.

- What?

Him's nervous because

Christmas is almost here.

- Nervous or excited?

- Shitting bricks.

- You shouldn't use that word.

- Sorry. Shitting rocks.

I see. Good.

Him's nervous because he don't

know if he's getting nothing.

I don't think he should be nervous

and you shouldn't be either.

Because if you're good, Santa knows it.

If you believe in him and you believe

in your mom and you believe in your....

Your dad.

If you've been good all year round,

Santa is gonna bring you something.

Sometimes I think all that

Santa crap is just bull.

If he was so real, how come

we didn't get squat last year?

We didn't do nothing wrong

and we still got the shaft.

Well, I happen to know for a fact

that Santa Claus is real.

And in the next couple of days...

...somehow I'm gonna prove it to you.

You know, every year he comes

to our house. I've seen him.

- That's true?

- Cross my heart.

So....

- It's good you came to stay with us.

- I love it here.

You don't gotta put on your coat

to go to the bathroom.

And your house is always parked

in the same place.

I think you'd better go back to bed now.

Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?

Oh, I was just looking for something.

You didn't notice if a man came here

and delivered a letter today, did you?

You didn't notice if a man came here

and delivered a letter today, did you?

Nope. How come?

Oh, just wondering.

Now you get back to bed. Come on.

Uncle Clark, are you sure

you ain't Santy Claus?

I'm sure.

I can't even afford to be an elf.

Two containers of K rations!

Two containers of K rations!

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