Christmas Vacation Page #5

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Then I had Spam until

it was coming out of my ears.

Oh, bullshit!

- Aren't you having any breakfast?

- I'm not in the mood.

- Aren't you having any breakfast?

- I'm not in the mood.

What are you looking at?

Oh, the silent majesty

of a winter's morn.

The clean, cool chill of the holiday air.

And an a**hole in his bathrobe emptying

a chemical toilet into my sewer.

- Shitter was full!

- Yeah.

- Have you checked our shitters, honey?

- Clark, please.

- He doesn't know any better.

- It's illegal.

It's a sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity

the person who lights a match near it.

Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

I have a suspicion Cathrine and

Eddie don't have presents for their kids.

Rocky said something about Eddie telling

him Santa wasn't coming this year.

Rocky said something about Eddie telling

him Santa wasn't coming this year.

Yeah. Ruby Sue said something

like that last night.

- How can they have nothing for the kids?

- He's been out of work for seven years.

In seven years he couldn't find a job?

Cathrine says he's been holding out

for a management position.

- So how's the live-bait business, Eddie?

- Well, I can't complain. How you doing?

- So how's the live-bait business, Eddie?

- Well, I can't complain. How you doing?

Not that good, actually.

Your company kill off all them

people over in India not long ago?

No. We missed out on that one. You're

pretty set so far as shopping goes?

No. We missed out on that one. You're

pretty set so far as shopping goes?

Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth

is, things ain't going too good at all.

Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth

is, things ain't going too good at all.

You know, I told you I borrowed the RV

from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.

You know, I told you I borrowed the RV

from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.

We live in it. I had to sell off

the house, the barn, the 10 acres.

We live in it. I had to sell off

the house, the barn, the 10 acres.

All I kept was a 50-foot plot,

the pigs and the worm farm.

All I kept was a 50-foot plot,

the pigs and the worm farm.

If only I had back the money

that me and Cathrine...

...sent that TV preacher that was

screwing the hockey players.

What about the kids?

- His kids can fend for themselves.

- No, your kids.

Oh, well, that's the b*tch of it.

See, I don't know what to do.

We coasted into town on fumes.

The gas money give out in Gurnee.

We coasted into town on fumes.

The gas money give out in Gurnee.

Eddie....

Ellen and I want to help you

give the kids a nice Christmas.

- Clark, I couldn't do that.

- No, no, we insist.

Oh, no. I'm not one

for charity, now.

Oh, I know that, Eddie.

This isn't charity. It's family.

- I don't know about that.

- Now, come on.

If you don't tell me what they want,

I'll go out and get it on my own.

Oh, boy.

This is a surprise, Clark.

This is just a real nice surprise.

Just a real nice surprise.

This is just a real nice surprise.

Just a real nice surprise.

Here's a little list.

Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine.

And if it wouldn't be too much,

I'd like to get something for you, Clark.

Something really nice.

- Is your house on fire, Clark?

- No, those are Christmas lights.

- Don't throw me down, Clark.

- I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

- Is this the airport, Clark?

- We're here!

Hey, Gris, me and Bethany

figured out the perfect gift for you.

Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't

have to buy me anything.

Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.

Oh, that was fun.

I love riding in cars.

When did you move to Florida?

Ellen, are you still dating Clark?

Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know

you shouldn't have done that.

Oh, dear. Did I break wind?

Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany?

Hell, no. She means presents.

You shouldn't have brought presents.

It isn't every day somebody

moves into a new house.

They didn't move into a new house.

- Um.... Mom?

- In the living room, Russ.

This house is bigger

than your old one.

Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with

Francis and Cathrine to the living room...

- ...and say hello to everybody.

- Hello, everybody?

- Just in the living room.

- I should say it?

- You should say it.

- Hello, everybody!

- Mom.

- What?

- This box is meowing.

- Let me see it.

- She wrapped up her cat.

- Take it in the kitchen and open it up.

- Then we'll have a cat running around.

- You can't leave it in the box.

Why would somebody

wrap up a cat in a box?

She gets confused, Rusty. She and

Uncle Lewis don't have much money...

...so she takes things from the house

and gives them as presents.

Great. Can't wait to see what I got.

This one here is leaking.

- It's lime.

- That's her Jell-O mold. I'll take it.

Why don't you go back in the living room

and enjoy yourself? Russ?

Come on, boy.

Let's go find your sister.

Daddy, don't do this.

Before we begin, since this is

Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...

Before we begin, since this is

Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...

...I think she should lead us

in the saying of grace.

- Aw....

- Great.

What, dear?

Grace!

Grace? She passed away

30 years ago.

They want you

to say grace.

The blessing.

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America...

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America...

...and to the republic

for which it stands...

...one nation under God,

indivisible...

...with liberty

and justice for all.

...with liberty

and justice for all.

- Amen.

- Amen.

Cathrine, if this turkey tastes

half as good as it looks...

...I think we're all in

for a very big treat.

Thank you.

- Save the neck for me, Clark.

- Okay, Eddie.

Look at that.

Sorry.

- Why are you crying?

- I told you we put it in too early.

- Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine.

- It looks good to me.

Here's the heart.

Aunt Bethany?

Does your cat, by any chance,

eat Jell-O?

Well, I don't know about the cat,

but I sure am enjoying it.

Hey, kids?

I heard on the news that a pilot spotted

Santa's sled on its way from New York.

I heard on the news that a pilot spotted

Santa's sled on its way from New York.

Ooh....

You serious, Clark?

Art, you want to load me up with

a little more there. It is good.

Art, you want to load me up with

a little more there. It is good.

- Ed?

- Yeah, Clark.

What's wrong with the dog?

Oh, he's just yacking on a bone.

He's got it up. He's all right now.

Maybe if you wouldn't

feed him from the table.

No, no.

He's probably just nosing

through the trash there.

Hey, Gris, if you're not doing

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