Christmas Vacation Page #6

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anything constructive...

...run into the living room,

get my stogy.

Is there anything else I can

do for you, Uncle Lewis?

He's an old man.

This may be his last Christmas.

If he keeps it up,

it will be his last Christmas.

That should be it.

Honey?

- You had too many plugs in one outlet.

- Oh, God.

What is it?

Nothing. Let's go in

and finish our dessert.

If that thing had nine lives,

she just spent them all.

Whoo!

If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see

if I can fumigate this here chair.

If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see

if I can fumigate this here chair.

It's a good, quality item.

If you don't mind me asking,

how much it set you back?

If you don't mind me asking,

how much it set you back?

You smell something?

Fried pussycat.

It's not the chair. It's some kind

of gas coming from the sewer.

Lewis?

My tree!

So, what's the matter with you?

Look what you've done to my tree!

Lewis.

It was an ugly tree, anyway.

At least it's out of its misery.

- Dad's gonna flip out.

- Nobody's gonna flip out.

We're gonna have

a wonderful Christmas.

What the hell do you want?

I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman.

I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...

I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman.

I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...

...but it fell between the seats,

and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.

...but it fell between the seats,

and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

- I can't believe it.

- What is it?

A letter confirming your reservation

at the nut house?

It's from my company.

- Your bonus.

- My bonus.

Oh!

That's great!

Open it, Clarkie.

Open it.

Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark.

I bet you do, Eddie.

I was afraid....

Are you gonna bawl all over it,

or are you gonna open it?

I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell

you all this, but what the heck.

I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell

you all this, but what the heck.

With this bonus check,

I'm putting in a swimming pool.

That's it. That's the big one!

Open it!

I'm sorry if I've been a little short

with everyone lately.

I've been waiting

for this bonus.

To make sure the pool goes in

when the ground thaws...

...I had to pay in advance.

And until this arrived...

...I didn't have enough in my account

to cover the check.

- Tear the sucker open, Dad.

- Yeah.

Drum roll. Just kidding.

If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly

you all down here to help us dedicate it.

I can't swim, Clark.

I know that, Eddie.

Oh.

Clark, what's wrong?

Honey?

It's bigger than you expected?

Smaller?

What is it?

It's a one-year membership

in the Jelly of the Month Club.

Oh, God.

Clark, that's the gift that keeps

on giving the whole year.

That it is, Edward.

That it is, indeed.

I'm sorry. Clark....

If this isn't the biggest punch

in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!

If this isn't the biggest punch

in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!

Son.

That's good. That's good.

That's good.

Ahh.... Hey!

If any of you are looking for any

last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.

If any of you are looking for any

last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.

I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss,

right here, tonight.

I want him brought from his happy

holiday slumber on Melody Lane...

...with all the other rich people,

and I want him right here.

With a big ribbon on his head.

I wanna look him straight

in the eye and tell him...

...what a cheap, lying, no good,

rotten, four-flushing...

...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,

inbred, overstuffed...

...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,

brainless, dickless, hopeless...

...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,

brainless, dickless, hopeless...

...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,

stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...

...worm-headed sack

of monkey sh*t he is!

Hallelujah! Holy sh*t!

Where's the Tylenol?

- He's got that crazed look in his eye.

- We should've gone to Hawaii.

- He's got that crazed look in his eye.

- We should've gone to Hawaii.

Turn that thing off

and get in the house!

I'll talk to him, Mom.

You know, Dad.

I've been thinking.

Good talk, Dad.

Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't

get a Christmas tree?

Even though they're dirty and

messy and corny and clichd.

Well, where you gonna find a tree

at this hour on Christmas Eve?

What's the matter?

Was that really necessary?

- We needed a tree.

- May I remind you that--

That this was all my idea. No.

No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.

Could you just keep it in mind

the next time you go berserk?

I didn't go berserk.

I simply solved a problem.

We needed a coffin.

I mean, a tree.

There are no lots open

on Christmas Eve.

Lewis burned down my tree,

so I replaced it as best I could. Voil.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine, honey.

Fixed the newelpost.

What's that sound?

Do you hear it?

It's a funny squeaky sound.

Do you hear it?

It's a funny squeaky sound.

You couldn't hear a dump truck

driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

Shh. I hear it too.

I don't hear it anymore.

What was it?! Oh, my God!

Quiet! Shut up!

Mom, don't move.

We can't let it get out

of the living room.

Where's Eddie? He usually eats

these goddamn things.

Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that

squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that

squirrels were high in cholesterol.

Thank you, Cathrine.

I'll try and trap it.

- Russ!

- Right here, Dad.

Oh, there you are.

Go get the hammer.

Clark, what do you need

a hammer for?

I'm gonna catch it in the coat

and smack it with the hammer.

I'm going in with him.

Nora?

- Nora!

- Is it gone?

It probably got scared

and ran back into the tree.

Squirrel!

You just march right over there

and slug that creep in the face.

- I can't just attack someone.

- If you're not man enough...

...to put an end to this sh*t,

then I am.

Ha!

Gone.

Oh, my God!

What happened to you?

Beautiful. God.

Where do you think you're going?

Nobody's leaving.

Nobody's walking out

on this family Christmas.

No, no. We're all in this together.

This is a full-blown, four-alarm

holiday emergency here.

We're gonna press on, and we're gonna

have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas...

...since Bing Crosby tap-danced

with Danny Kaye.

And when Santa squeezes his ass

down that chimney tonight...

...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch

of a**holes this side of the nut house.

You're goofy.

- Don't piss me off, Art.

- Clark?

- It's over.

- Not according to Santa's watch.

- Come on, son.

- Stay out of this, Dad.

Clark, I think it's best

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