Chronically Metropolitan Page #3

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father was sleeping with his wife.

Stop, already!

Hold up. I went to

the Hamptons for that?

I thought we had to go because we

were going to impress Dad's agent.

Exactly.

Dad's agent was the host, Layla.

Where do you think I am?

Gross.

What is it with all these

young women and blowj*bs?

Oh, come on.

She's not talking to me!

Please, Anna.

Please do not yell. Please.

Anna, are

you going to talk to me?

Thank you, lady. My wife thinks

I'm with a prostitute now!

What did you just say?

You know, Jane Underhill said

she caught her 14-year-old

hosting a blowj*b party.

Chris, is that where

you met your girlfriend?

Layla, what are your thoughts

on all this cocksucking?

Uh, excuse me?

Sir, do you have a daughter?

Does it bother you...

You know what? You know what? Okay,

that's enough. That's enough!

You can get the f*** out of my cab!

Wait a minute!

Be reasonable here. No, no, no.

I got it. Enough!

Enough! Get out of my cab.

You guys can take the bus.

Cab driver, what the f***?

You can't kick us out.

I'm on crutches here!

Get out of my cab!

We've got 10 blocks to go!

I do not care. Your cripple

ass can get out of here,

'cause your wife is not

bringing my daughter into this.

There'll be no cocksucking!

Take the f***ing train!

Get the f*** out of my cab!

Come on. Let's go.

Get out of the cab, now!

Get the f*** out!

Smells like a urinal

in here anyway.

- Go take the train.

- Unbelievable.

Go!

Hey, hey. One of you

motherfuckers better pay me.

You f***ing a**holes!

I'm gonna report you!

Well, I hope you're happy!

Oh, I'm thrilled.

It's great we can be

together like this.

We should do it more often.

Taxi!

I'm not getting in another cab.

I'm gonna walk.

You can't walk!

I can walk!

Well, no one's carrying you!

I can't do this anymore.

Couldn't you have waited till we

got back to the apartment, huh?

Instead of in front

of the children.

Or the entire population

of the Upper East Side!

Why? So you can save it

for your next book?

That was unfair!

Mom!

I couldn't control

that girl from texting me.

No.

You control whether or

not to f*** the girl.

Here. Come here.

What's the matter? Dad,

you've gotta do something.

You gotta do something. You

gotta apologize. She's leaving.

Oh, Anna, can we talk

about this?

You do something.

She's not going anywhere.

What do want me to do?

You guys suck!

Look... Look, everything's

gonna be all right.

No... Hold... Anna, please.

One minute. One minute.

Would you reconsider if I

told you that I had cancer?

- Dad?

- What?

Daddy, what're you saying?

I don't have cancer.

I'm just saying,

would it be so easy for you to walk

out on me if I told you that I did?

Huh?

- Unbelievable.

- Mom...

I mean, it was just a question.

Don't cry.

Would you like me to get

you a taxi, Mrs. Dillane?

Yes, Irving, please.

Mom.

Sorry to run out.

You're hardly ever home.

Cut the sh*t, Mom.

I am, Fenton, 'cause this...

Well, it's... Mom, it's

totally f***ed up.

Couldn't say it better myself.

I... I wanna go. I'm...

I know.

Mom...

I'm sorry.

For what?

If I wasn't so, uh...

I should have been more

available for you, Mom.

I knew you were sad.

It's not your fault.

No, but it is.

Look, Layla was always better

going after Dad for his sh*t,

but I never did anything.

Neither did I.

Help me with my bags?

Hey, Irv, can you throw

these in the trunk for us?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Wait, Mom, uh...

I'm going to be fine, Fenton.

I just...

I need a few days to

gather.

You got enough pot?

Uh, enough to go into

this with a clear head.

Be careful.

Stay out of trouble.

What's up, buddy?

Thirsty?

Dehydrated.

Hmm...

What are we, uh, drinking here?

We got everything.

Here, that's for you.

Wait, wait. How'd you

know I was here?

I called you.

You told me.

You all right?

Hey, to my parents'

impending divorce

and to, uh, Jessie's impending marriage.

Yeah.

Are you gonna go?

Of course not.

Because it's never gonna happen.

I gotta piss.

It's that way.

Live a little better.

What the f***?

I'm gonna need

a little of that sh*t.

Hey, Fenton. It's James.

I hope we're still good for Friday.

Hey, Fenton.

Oh, sh*t.

Thought that was you.

Yeah, hey. Well,

I was just gonna go in.

Check it out.

All right.

This is the door.

You've almost made it.

There you are. Yeah.

All right.

Hey, love. I brought

the spy in from the cold.

Um, I really need you for a second.

It's the caterers.

All right.

Can you give us a minute?

Um, I've got a Joe Bradley, some

Nate Lowmans. They aren't cheap.

I'm not worried about that.

Hello.

Yes.

Mmm-hmm.

What time, exactly?

All right. Let me

see if that works.

What's wrong?

Oh. Nothing.

You look pale, and you're

rubbing your head.

I am?

Yeah, I am.

I, uh...

I got into a bar fight

the other night.

What?

Yeah, it was a huge, huge

battle, tons of guys involved.

It was ruckus.

Nothing like a good

old-fashioned donnybrook.

Hope you got in a few.

Yeah, yeah. No, I took

care of business.

I'm sorry.

You were in a fight?

I mean, come on, you wouldn't

even get on a roller coaster.

Jess, that's a motion-sickness

problem, all right?

That has nothing to do with fear.

I've...

I've been in my share

of, uh, donnybrooks.

Sure.

Um, it's my dad.

Fenton, do you want

a beer or something?

No, thank you. I'm trying not

to drink so much anymore.

I really need to take this.

I'm sorry.

Um, Sweetie, I'm starving.

Yeah, I'll get us some takeout.

Hey, Dad. How are you?

Very good.

I'll walk with you.

So, I'm assuming you're

not gonna buy art today.

That was really strange.

What?

You and Victor in the gallery.

I mean, come on.

Yeah, maybe I should've

called you first,

you know, let you know

I was stopping by.

Yeah, well, I would've said no.

Hey, Jess.

I'm really sorry.

Wow.

Being in San Francisco

did reinvent you.

Damn. I can be

pretentious, huh?

You are.

Smoke?

Pretentious and predictable.

You know, I didn't know

how it'd be, seeing you.

If I'd burst into tears,

if I'd hit you.

If you, what?

Thankfully, neither, huh?

Yeah, because both times

have been a surprise.

I don't know. I haven't had time

to think or process, really,

what it'd be like to see you.

Is this it?

Let me buy you a beer.

Come on. Just while you

wait for your takeout

Thank you.

Uh, the gallery is...

You know, it's charming.

It's small.

Yeah, but it's charming.

And, uh...

And congratulations, Jessie.

Pretty quick, no?

What? I don't know.

Getting married and all.

I don't think so.

Where'd you guys meet?

It doesn't matter.

That's ours.

God, being around you,

it's weird.

Oh, what?

That surprises you?

I mean, all I can

think about is the end.

And defending

that story, stupidly.

And then you, up and

leaving for California.

Look, this is hard for me.

Well, you don't get any

chance of sympathy right now.

Look, everywhere I go out

there, everything I see,

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