Cigarette Soup

Oh, hey there, buddy.

Hey, what's going on?

What are you up to?

That's your question?

You a big-time reporter man,

that's what you come up with?

All right, fine.

How many drinks have you had?

What are you,

like six deep right now?

Too many.

Where's your imaginary

girlfriend?

-Oh, ah-ha-ha ha-ha.

-What's her name, Sarah?

Give me that thing.

Ah ha! Now the tables

have turned.

It's my turn

to make you squirm.

How about you start

by telling us a little bit

about yourself?

I hate you.

Uh, what do you wanna know?

My name is Sam Grady.

I'm from Greenville, Ohio,

population closing in

on 15,000.

Uh... I'm a reporter

for our local news station,

channel one.

-There, you happy?

-Why are we all here?

Well, I think you're here

to wish me luck,

send me off in style.

At least I hope so.

Oh, where are you going?

I recently volunteered

to document the war

in Afghanistan.

I've been assigned

to a specific army unit,

and I'm gonna be following

those guys around

for the next few months.

-That's a brave thing

you're doing.

-Thanks.

Why are you doing that?

It's something

that needs to be done.

And I wanna show

all of you out there

who these guys really are,

and not just

what you see on TV,

but who they are right here.

And this woman right here

put this whole shindig together

to send me off the right way.

Isn't that right?

She's the world's

greatest woman.

The most bestest mom.

-Sam, not now, okay?

-Come on, mom.

Say something

into the camera.

-I can't.

-Mom!

Come on, mom.

So here I am.

It's my third official day

in Afghanistan.

Whoo!

The weather has been

insanely hot.

Windy, but hot.

The nights have been freezing.

I've been practicing

digging my fighting hole

from when we're out

in the desert and we need

to catch some shut eye.

But I guess if we're

in the middle of combat,

not gonna be much time

for sleeping anyways.

So, right now, we're all riding

in the back of an old

piece of sh*t pick-up truck.

We're on our way

to a foot patrol.

It's as good

as it gets, baby.

- It's as good as it gets.

- I guess so.

So we're still on our F.O.B.

- "Fob", dude.

- Fob?

-Fob.

-Fob.

Okay, so we're still

on our fob,

driving to the end

of the wire.

We're gonna get picked up

by an mrap.

They're gonna drive us

approximately 10 miles.

From there we're gonna start

the foot patrol.

I guess, from what

they're saying,

we're gonna be out there

for about six hours.

That's gonna be well

into the night.

My very first foot patrol.

Can't wait.

This has gotta be

the coolest thing

I've ever seen.

I mean, look

at these people,

their houses--

it's amazing.

It's so different than home.

You think this is weird,

check out lennie's cock.

That thing's like a f***ing

science project.

That's true.

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

Man, you call it weird,

i call it unique.

That's like telling

a fat chick she's got...

- Go f*** yourself.

- Oh!

Could you imagine being able

to actually f*** yourself?

I would just f*** myself

whenever I liked.

How would that even work?

I'd f***ing stick

my dick in my own a**hole.

I don't know,

shut the f*** up.

Easy boy.

You're gonna scare Geraldo up in the front seat.

Yo, Geraldo, who's dick

did you have to suck

- to ride shotgun, anyway?

- For real.

I give a pretty mean bj

to somebody riding up there,

and I've never

gotten to ride shotgun.

Oh, my god, you guys always

make gay comments.

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, do you wanna shut

your f***ing hole

back there, please?

Jesus Christ.

All right, let's take five.

All right, men,

you heard him!

Let's take five down here

in this ravine.

Eyes up, boys.

Goddamn it is windy

as f*** out here.

Goddamn it.

Hey, you might wanna keep

your f***ing head down.

Keep popping up and down,

you're gonna end up

like those last two

f***ing guys.

What happened to them?

Those reporters?

Taliban, bro.

Killed by

the f***ing Taliban.

I saw the whole

gruesome thing.

That sh*t was crazy.

It was f***ed up.

-Is he serious?

-Dead f***ing serious, bro.

-For real.

-Hey, I'm just f***ing

with you, man.

-Lighten up, jeez.

-He's not serious.

Listen, those last two guys

were a couple of pussies.

I mean, even a vagina

would have been like,

"goddamn, these guys

are pussies." Seriously.

I think a vagina

said that to them.

-I think it did.

-Like I heard it.

-Unironically.

-Yeah, it was totally

dead serious.

The p*ssy was like--

-you don't see that's--

-yeah, I got it.

-Hey, don't be a p*ssy.

-No, I know you do.

"I don't want a p*ssy

in my p*ssy."

-It's his job to harass

a reporter, all right?

-Yeah, uh-huh.

It's so hot out here,

i don't know how you guys

can think about vagina.

All I can think about

is sweating my balls off.

Yeah, no kidding,

it's hot. No doubt.

- What?

- What's going on?

What's going on?

Sorry.

Is it okay to tell me

what the mission is?

We're on area

reconnaissance patrol

checking out

this specific area,

looking at the terrain,

seeing what type

of transportation support

we might need,

equipment, weapons,

sh*t like that.

It's highly unlikely

we're gonna run into

any enemy out here.

It's the bullshit job

no one wants

because it's f***ing boring.

It's true.

I'm having a great time.

Nonetheless, it's the job

we've been ordered to do, men,

-and we're gonna do it.

-Yeah.

It's bullshit, man,

that's all it is,

-is f***ing bullshit.

-Why do you think

it's bullshit?

'Cause monti knows

he should be out f***ing

killing bad guys.

-Amen.

-Amen.

'Cause, you know, anybody

can do this job right here.

My retarded little brother

could do this in his sleep.

Wait, wait.

You have a f***ing

retarded brother?

That means

that your mom's p*ssy

is a conveyor belt

for retarded humans.

Like, it's like

a factory of mass produced

retarded humans.

The hand of god touched

my mom's vagina twice.

-What in the f***

are you guys doing?

-Sorry, sergeant.

We are on a goddamn

mission here

and you guys

are horsing around

like a bunch

of goddamn idiots.

Are you a bunch of dumb

f***ing monkeys?

Stay focused.

Do you understand?

Got it.

Jackson, you guys

hear me down there?

-Oorah!

-Oorah!

All right, one of our patrols

came under some light fire

about two kilometers

from here.

Why aren't we helping

our guys out?

We're not going anywhere.

That's a negative.

We got a young, inexperienced

journalist with us here.

We gotta keep an eye on him.

Are you kidding?

Does it look like

I'm f***ing kidding you,

Montgomery?

Do you see me smiling, huh?

Am I f***ing laughing?

Look at me when

I'm talking to you.

All right, listen up.

Apparently one of our guys

got a little trigger happy

back there

and he greased a civilian.

We've been over the r.O.E

a million goddamn times,

but let me reiterate,

no one is allowed

to shoot anyone

who is unarmed.

No one is allowed

to shoot anyone

unless you are

absolutely certain

without a shadow

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes