Clapham Junction Page #3

Whether or not it's

got an apostrophe.

Isn't it supposed to be the end of Howard,

well the end of several Howards?

Or is it just Howard's end?

Anyway, I'm thrilled to bits.

I'm sorry Belinda. I just have to pop

something into little Albert.

I've bought him the cutest little cap.

He looks so adorable.

Hello, mate.

Where are you off to, then?

Excuse me.

Come here!

- Hello there, mate.

- Sorry I'm late, Roger.

Christ, you look f***ed!

Do I?

You could do with a stiff one.

Gotcha!

Beinda and I met at Pilates. I showed her

some photographs of little Albert.

He is my grandson and we just

hit off immediately.

- She is lovely, isn't she?

- Yes, she is.

- Are you married?

- No, I'm gay.

Oh, how nice!

Have you got a.. what do they call it..

a civil partner?

Not at the moment, no.

Oh...

Would you like a Pringle?

Oh, my hubby at last!

Sorry, darling.

You don't know Robin, do you?

No, we don't.

Close your mouth, darling,

you look like a carp.

Robin and I were at school together.

Pleased to meet you.

God, what was that?

What?

It sounded like a scream or something.

It was probably a fox being f***ed.

I've got your pen.

Your Parker ballpoint.

You dropped it in the library

this afternoon.

I found it.

And I thought I'd bring it over.

Can't I come in?

Why?

So I can give it to you.

You can give it to me here.

But I'd like to...

What?

...come in.

You can't.

- Why not?

- Because I don't want you to.

- Why not?

- Because I don't.

You're not doing anything.

How do you know?

Look, you give me the pen

or I'll shut the door.

- Move.

- I thought it might be nice...

...to have a chat.

A chat?

Yes.

I don't want to have a chat.

I don't know you.

- You would if we had a chat.

- Look, just shove off!

Move your foot and piss off!

No more games. Just get back

home to Mummy and Daddy, OK?

- They are out.

- Go back and wait for them.

Don't you want your pen?

- What are you so worried about?

- I'm worried I'm gonna belt you one

if you don't get the f*** out.

You wouldn't.

Don't push it.

I beg you.

Why can't I stay for a minute?

What's wrong with that?

We've always seen

each other in the library.

What's the problem?

I'm bored to death over there reading and

I don't want to go to bed yet.

I just...

...thought we could have a chat.

Five minutes, that's all, then

I'll go, I promise.

You're doing history, aren't you?

I'm doing history too.

Amongst other things.

Are you at college?

What's your favourite period?

I quite like Hitler.

Not the bloke.

But, you know,

the Third Reich and all that.

Is that it, then?

What?

Our chat.

We'll probably find a few

other things to talk about.

You needn't have pushed so hard.

Well, you put your

foot in the door.

Do you think I could have

a glass of water?

- Ah!

- Your arse looks nice.

Here we go.

We're married!

We are f***ing married!

Keep it down!

Thanks.

Thank you.

Have you had a fire?

Yeah.

What happened?

I had an accident.

I left the toaster on.

You should tell someone.

I told you.

It's a lousy neighbourhood, isn't it?

This side of the street, it is.

I don't like people around here

too much, do you?

I wouldn't know,

I keep myself to myself.

That's difficult to do, though,

sometimes, isn't it?

You haven't been here long,

have you?

No, I haven't.

I don't know about you

but I'm tired. Good night.

Good night.

It's not that late.

You wanna be home for your

mum and dad.

They won't be back for ages.

I wanna turn in.

My foot hurts.

I told you, you shouldn't

have put it in the door.

I'm Theo by the way.

- Who are you?

- Tim. Now f*** off!

Do you think I could have

another glass of water, please, Tim?

He is 18 months.

- Yes, you said.

- Little Albert.

I wasn't so sure about the "Albert"

but it's starting to grow on me.

Good job he wasn't called Ivy.

He does make me laugh. I popped in

earlier - I was telling Belinda - I...

...had to give him the cutest little

cap. Like Andy Roddick wears.

- Now, he IS cute.

- And he was prancing around without his...

He is so proud of his willy.

I think it is a stage that boys go through.

And it is surprisingly big,

isn't it, Julian?

And he climbed onto my lap and

tried to push it into my button hole.

- It can't be that big then.

- Oh, they were very big buttons.

And in the end I just couldn't

resist and had to kiss it.

Mmm, lovely!

Why are you always by yourself?

It's how I like it.

Don't you have any friends?

All the chat...

All the rubbish.

It needn't be like that.

Yeah.

Well...

I've never mugged in.

I've always been ever

so slightly shunned.

By my lot, ...

...your lot.

Not quite up there.

You get used to it out on a limb, ...

...not quite up there enough.

We could be friends.

No, we couldn't.

Of course we could.

You're, what, ...

I'm coming up for 30.

We don't have anything in common.

We can naver be friends.

You've seen me before, haven't you?

You live up the road.

I mean, you've noticed me.

You've looked at me, haven't you?

And in the library...

You've looked at me like I've

looked at you, that's all I'm saying.

You'd better go.

Can I have some lager, please?

No.

Go on...

- Mom and Dad let me have a drop sometimes.

- Then go home and have a drop!

You are very quiet tonight, Julian.

You all right?

Poor bloke's knackered!

Give him a break!

I am pretty tired, actually.

- Working late, were you?

- He is always working late, aren't you darling?

Oh, that's no good,

all work and no play!

- That's what I tell him.

- You should let your hair down once in a while.

Exactly! Do you know something, Robin, ...

- I think you should take him in hand.

- You don't need me to take you in hand, do you, Julian?

That's enough. Enough, OK?

I'm sorry, I really am pretty wiped out.

- Darling, would you like us to go?

- No.

I'm sorry.

No, please, don't.

We all get a bit scratchty

when the pressure is on.

Another stiff one, eh?

That should do the trick.

Thank you.

You got a light?

Oh, yes.

Sorry.

Nice, innit? The moon.

Oh yes, yes it is.

- You been here long?

- Not long, no.

- What, live around here, do you?

- No.

Whereabouts then?

- Out west.

- Out west, eh?

Yes.

Very nice.

Yes, it is.

So how did you get in here then,

on a bus?

I drove.

Oh yeah?

What car you got?

- Very inquisitive, aren't you?

- Bother you, does it?

No. No.

That's allright then.

It's an Audi.

An Audi, eh? One of them big f***ers or

like one of them little hairdresser type?

A4 estate.

You've got a family then?

No.

It makes you wonder doesn't it?

Why that star is next to that one?

That one is next to that?

I suppose it does.

Do you know what I think?

No.

I think it means f*** all!

It's bleeding hot, innit?

Yes, it is.

I wouldn't half like

to see your A4 estate.

- Would you?

- Oh, yeah!

I love a big motor.

Mickey.

Joe.

Hello, Joe.

What was that?

It was over there.

Joe!

F***!

Help me.

Help me.

Alfie, innit?

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