Clerks 2 Page #10

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I hate everyone, and everything

seems stupid to me...

...but you were always

the counterbalance to that...

the guy who was the yin

to my yang.

But now what the f*** am I gonna

do for the rest of my life?

I mean, sh*t, I really wish

you would've told me this

when I first met you

that one day,

you were gonna bail

on our friendship,

because if I had known

you were just gonna flake on me

a few decades later...

I wouldn't have even bothered

with your ass

in the first place.

Jesus, why don't you two

just f*** and get it

over with already?

(muttering):

Faggots.

Why can't you ever say

something useful for a change?

Well, what the f***

you waiting for?

That's your cue, man.

I got nothing.

Jesus f***ing Christ,

what good are you,

you mute f***?!

You know what?

That hurts.

Like, what do you ever add

to the f***ing proceedings?

You got, like, one answer

for everything:
"P*ssy, man."

Oh, then, man, you must love

this f***in' guy,

'cause he's the biggest p*ssy

I ever met.

The dude who lives his life

according

to everyone else's standards.

"I got to go to Florida

and get married, 'cause that's

what's expected of me."

And the f***in' insane part is,

he ain't even that crazy

about the chick he's marrying

or Florida,

never mind the fact

that he's got

a perfectly good chick

right here in Jersey

who he's nuts about,

and even Anne f***in' Frank

could see she's nuts about him.

God knows why.

And she likes you

for who you are, man.

She ain't trying

to stuff you into a box

you'll never fit into.

Not to mention the fact

that she's carrying

your hideous f***ing CHUD

of a kid.

Jesus, if you had any sense

whatsoever,

you'd f***in' stop trying

to bray it up

with the rest of the sheep

and live your life

the way it makes sense for you,

you f***in' ass!

Oh, yeah?

And what's that?

You obviously have

such a great handle

on your life.

Tell me what you would do

if you were in my position...

or even what you'd do

in your own position?

Swing that judgmental pendulum

back the other way

and tell me how you'd solve

all your problems, a**hole.

What the f*** would the

great Randal Graves do

if he were half the

master of his destiny

that I'm supposed to be?!

I'd buy the Quick Stop

and reopen it myself!

That's what I'd do.

That's what we should do.

Yeah, right.

Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?

Do you know

how much it would cost

to buy the Quick Stop?

Like, 50 grand, easy.

And neither one of us have

that type of money.

(sighs)

JAY:

We do.

That's right.

You guys would be willing

to lend us some of that money

so we can reopen the stores?

Sure, on two conditions.

One:
We can hang out

in front of the store

anytime we want, and

you can't call the cops.

And two:

You have to blow each other,

and we get to watch.

Then you have

to go ass to mouth.

All right, just

the first condition.

Seriously?

Do I stutter?

Yeah, seriously.

What do you think?

(sighs)

I almost hate to say it, but...

it kind of makes sense.

Hey, maybe that's why we spent

so much time in that store,

why college

or anything else

never panned out for us.

I mean, think about it, man.

You and me running

our own business

instead of working

for some other a**hole?

Could be

pretty f***in' sweet, right?

Yeah, it really could.

But I don't know, man.

I was this close

to starting a new life.

Jesus.

You're actually gonna make me

do this, aren't you?

(sighs)

Can you guys cover your ears

for a minute, please?

You're my best friend...

and I love you.

In a totally heterosexual way.

Yeah, right.

Please, man, don't leave me.

Thanks.

That'll be $5.79.

##

I mean, you already taught me

how to dance at a wedding.

I mean... I-I know you

don't believe in romantic love.

# I am the kindest soul

with whom you're connected #

# I have the bravest heart #

# That you've ever seen #

Is that a yes?

What took you so long?

# ...I am sometimes #

# You see everything #

# You see every part #

# You see all my light #

"One ring to rule them all."

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything

to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here #

# What I resist #

# Persists and speaks #

# Louder than #

# I know #

# What I resist #

# You love, no matter #

# How low #

# Or high I go... #

Come on!

# You see everything #

# You see every part #

# You see all my light #

# And you love my dark #

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything

to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here #

# You see everything #

- # You see every part #

- # You're still here #

# You see all my light #

- # And you love my dark #

- # And you're still here #

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything

to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here. #

##

(song ends)

(traffic passing by)

("Goodbye Horses" playing)

Oh!

Thanks.

Okay.

Pack of cigarettes?

You know what?

What?

You're not even supposed

to be here today.

(chuckles)

(sighs):

Can you feel it?

Feel what?

Today is the first day

of the rest of our lives.

(light acoustic intro

playing)

# They say misery #

# Loves company #

# We could start a company #

# And make misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Well, I know

just what you need #

# I might just have the thing #

# I know what you'd pay #

# To see #

# Put me out of my misery #

# I'd do it for you #

# Would you do it for me? #

# We will always be busy #

# Making misery #

# We could build a factory #

# And make misery #

# We'll create the cure #

# We made the disease #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Well, I know

just what you need #

# I might just have the thing #

# I know what you'd pay #

# To feel #

# Put me out of my misery #

# All you suicide kings

and you drama queens #

# Forever after happily #

# Making misery #

##

# Did you satisfy your greed? #

# Get what you need? #

# Was it only envy? #

# So empty #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Frustrated,

Incorporated #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# I'd do it for you,

would you do it for me? #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Ever after happily #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Making misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# I'd do it for you,

would you do it for me? #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated. #

(song ends)

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SEXY STUD:

Oh, sh*t, got to finish!

Hey!

(dramatic music stinger)

Snooge to the nooge!

(choking):

Oh, my God!

(grunts)

(whistling)

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