Clerks 2 Page #9

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there's not gonna be any chick.

Well, who the f***'s

gonna blow the donkey?

# Ooh, it's only you I adore #

# So much more

than my body was asking for... #

Oh!

# Yes, your love

is breaking my chill... #

I have a huge boner right now.

# In my heart... #

Oh, my God!

Becky!

Where did you go?

What the f*** is going on here?

Uh, inter-species erotica.

Are you okay?

I'm disgusted and repulsed

and...

and I can't look away.

# Baby, don't let me

be misunderstood... #

It's huge!

# Temporary love's so bad... #

- (donkey brays)

- # But it feels so good #

# Then along came you... #

We need to talk.

Did you see the size

of that cock...

I love you.

And-and I think

you love me, too.

Uh, of-of course.

I...

I mean, we're friends.

I-I think you love me

as more than a friend.

It's okay.

You can say it.

But I-I don't believe

in romantic love.

I think you do.

Do you really want

to do this right now?

# But it feels so good #

- (sighs)

- # Then along came you... #

Well, I guess the show's over.

I don't think so, sir.

# Naughty girls

need love... too... #

If he's gonna jerk off,

I'm gonna jerk off, too.

I don't think

he's gonna jerk off.

# So moving like you're 40 #

# This groove

is much too naughty #

# Can't you see? #

# I want you just for me #

- # Boys, make some noise... #

- (brays)

Yo, you guys

are gonna miss this sh*t!

The big guy's gonna cornhole

that ass... with his wiener!

Hold that thought.

# Freeze, freeze,

freeze, freeze... #

(moaning)

I hope that donkey doesn't have

a heinie troll.

# Temporary love's so bad... #

All right, I do.

Do what?

# Then along came you... #

I do love you.

# Temporary, temporary... #

What kind of sick

f*** gets turned on

watching a guy f*** a donkey?

# Naughty girls need love #

# Baby, baby #

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, Jesus.

(moaning)

# Then along came you... #

Dante?

What's going on?

Ooh, cake.

(moans)

Yo, I was outside taking a piss

when I heard the news.

Congrats!

You're having a baby, right?

No. Who said that?

Some a**hole.

# Temporary, temporary... #

I'm sorry.

# Naughty girls need love... #

You f***!

(thud, Dante groans)

Quick, hit that

two-timing f*** with this!

Hey, want to go out sometime?

Emma, I don't...

I don't know what to say.

Take him, you f***ing whore.

(ring jingles as it bounces

across floor)

Emma!

(sirens blaring)

Oh, no.

# Don't let me #

# Baby #

# Temporary love's so bad #

# Temporary love's

so bad #

# Then along came you... #

Oh, sh*t, not again.

Got to finish.

(moans)

Yo, cops are outside,

we're holding,

and I'm still on probation.

- (sighs)

- # Temporary, temporary... #

What the f***?

(brays)

Porch monkey?!

Oh, no, no, it's cool.

I'm taking it back.

(whooping)

I love p*ssy and beer!

Whoo-hoo!

(groans)

Deja f***ing vu, right?

Jail cell design hasn't changed

much in centuries, has it?

Maybe it's time they brought in

the laser bars or something.

Or they can make

a hard plastic cage

like Magneto's in X-Men 2.

No, come on, dude,

let's keep it in the real world,

all right?

But you know

what wouldn't be a bad idea?

Carbonite.

What do you think, Dante?

I think I'm gonna kill you!

Get off of me!

What up?! Steel cage match!

You ruined my life!

Your life was already ruined!

Jesus!

What were you thinking?

A f***ing donkey show?!

It was your going-away present!

DANTE:

It sure was.

I just never thought

I'd be going away to prison.

SEXY STUD:

Hey, boys.

You can't be imprisoned

for watching

an inter-species sex act.

You guys'll walk.

The most I'll get'll be a fine

for animal abuse

and a lot of disgusted looks

from asswipe conservatives

who can't appreciate

sexual exploration.

Hey!

(chuckles)

(sighs)

I miss my donkey.

I can't believe you.

I finally get my sh*t together.

I'm hours

from getting out of here

and really starting my life,

and you somehow figure out a way

to obliterate all that

and reduce me to a convict.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault

your life's f***ed up.

I'm the engaged guy

who knocked up my boss.

You knocked up the guy

who owns Mooby's? Ew.

(chuckling):

What?

Would you shut up?

(chuckling)

You're chaos incarnate, man.

Our whole lives,

you've been getting me into

trouble and holding me back.

Oh, I'm holding you back, right?

I remember, like, ten years ago,

the night we went

to Julie Dwyer's funeral,

you were all like, "I need

to sh*t or get off the pot."

You said, "Sh*t

or get off the pot," not me.

You got all fired up about

taking charge of your life,

and what'd you do?

You worked at the store

till the place burned down.

I took courses at Brookdale.

And dropped out.

Because you stopped going.

Because we were just killing

time with those classes.

One semester,

we took Criminology,

for Christ's sake.

What the f*** were we training

to be, Batman?

DANTE:

At least we were

doing something

instead of wasting our lives in

some f***ing convenience store!

RANDAL:

You know what?

You can badmouth Quick Stop all

you want, but I miss that place.

I loved working there.

I look back on that period

as the best time in my life.

Now I know you're f***in' nuts.

Why? Because I enjoyed

what I did?

I got to watch movies,

f*** with a**holes,

and hang out with my best friend

all day.

Can you think of a better way

to make a living?

Yeah, maybe it's not

what everyone does,

but it was pretty f***ing good.

(laughs)

Man, that's you all over.

Scrape by with the bare minimum.

Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.

I'm not in high school anymore.

Sh*t, I'm not

even in my twenties anymore.

I don't want to sit around

and rag on customers

while eating free food.

That's what you want to do.

That's what you've

always wanted to do.

Well, if that's all you want out

of life, man, then God bless,

but I refuse to let your sh*t

taint the rest of mine.

No. I'm gonna smooth

things over with Emma,

go to Florida

and start

my Randal Graves-free existence.

And try to forget these last

So that's the way you see all

this time we've spent together?

That's weird, man.

I thought you were

the only guy in the world

who got me and had my back...

the only person

who'd take a bullet for me,

'cause I assumed

you felt about me

the same way I feel about you.

Then, all of a sudden, one day,

you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."

Do you know

what that's been like for me?

I'm looking at a future

that just sucks,

because you're

not gonna be in it anymore.

And you're not

even throwing me over

for a life

that means something to you.

It's just a stupid,

hollow existence

you think you should embrace

because you're getting old

or something,

because it's the kind of life

everyone else goes after.

You're a f***ing drone, dude.

DANTE:

Fine.

Then the next friend

whose life you ruin

can be a totally free spirit.

How's that?

You think I want to start

making friends at my age?

Christ.

Who would want me

as their friend?

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