Clerks 2 Page #8

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Yeah, right.

Why now, all of a sudden?

Becky's pregnant.

She is?

Huh.

So, what, are you afraid you're

gonna miss the baby shower?

I'm the father.

This sucks, man.

I have pelvic piss syndrome

like a motherf***er,

so be really f***ing quiet.

Ew, dude, don't try

looking at my dick.

- JAY:
What the f***?

- RANDAL:
What?

Should we have

left that guy in there?

Oh, f*** him! How the f***

did you father a child

with a chick

that's not your fianc?!

Holy sh*t!

She got pregnant

off the toilet seat

you jerked off onto!

I f***ing knew it!

No, we had sex one night

after work, a few weeks ago.

What?! Where?!

Here, on the prep station table.

Ew! That's my prep table.

I don't know what to do.

What did Beck say?

She says she wants to have it.

Oh, my God, so she wants

you to break it off

- with Emma and marry her?

- No.

She's gonna tell Emma?

No!

Wait a second...

then what's the problem?

- Are you that dense?

- I'm serious.

If Becks isn't busting

your balls about it,

what's the big deal?

You could still

go down to Florida

and live happily ever after.

Knowing I have a love child

up in Jersey?!

How the f*** do you always have,

like, two good-looking

girls who want you?

You're the most

hideous f***ing CHUD

I've ever met,

and you always have

a pair of girls

fighting over you.

Listen, you can never tell

anybody about this.

Who am I gonna tell?

I'm serious, Randal!

And not just for me.

Becky says she doesn't want

anybody to know.

Then what'd you tell me for?

Look, you've f***ed me over

in the past,

but this is huge.

This is serious!

Promise me that you'll

keep your mouth shut,

because if you f*** me over

this time,

I swear to God, I will beat

the sh*t out of you.

(laughs):

You and what army?

I'm serious!

I'm serious, too.

You and what army?

Promise me!

All right!

Get off of me, you nut!

JAY:

What the f***?!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, we were just...

May your first child

be a masculine child.

(huffs)

Becky!

Randal!

She was sweating me.

It just came out.

Ow! Sh*t!

You swung at me!

- You ducked!

- Because you swung at me!

Damn it!

Where's Becky?

She just left.

I need help here, Mr. Dante.

I can't wrap good,

and Randal ate the last pickles.

You f***ing snitch.

I'm sorry, Randal.

I'm sorry.

Becky!

Maybe she went to get

a home pregnancy test

just to be sure.

How the f***

could this day get any worse?

Well, what the f***

are you doing, man?!

Follow her!

You-you think?

You're darn right, I do.

You two have got

to work this out.

Follow her, talk

to her for an hour,

then come back here.

An hour?!

I-I've found that any

more time than that,

you run the risk of saying

the wrong thing again.

Follow her,

talk to her for an hour,

then come back here

and help me close up.

You can't close up by yourself?

F***ing A, man,

you're about to become a father!

Time to start acting

responsibly!

Be back here in an hour.

Go!

(engine starts)

(tires screech)

Hello.

I assume

you're with Kinky Kelly.

Good guess. You Randal?

I am.

How long is it gonna take you

to set up?

Got to hook up the boom box,

hang a few curtains

and some lights.

I've got a small smoke machine

for ambiance. Yeah.

Well, you might as

well start setting up.

We got about an hour

before the guest of honor

gets back.

So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly

before the show or what?

Nah.

Kelly likes privacy

before show time.

But after the show, if you want,

for an extra $500,

you can f*** Kelly.

Really? Sweet.

Yeah. So, where

we doing this thing?

Oh, right inside the restaurant.

You're kidding.

Not spacious enough?

No, it's plenty spacious.

Just kind of weird, isn't it?

Kind of weird?

You're in the bestiality

business, dude.

Hey, fucko...

...we like to call it

inter-species erotica.

Intriguing.

(Smashing Pumpkins "1979"

playing)

# Shakedown 1979 #

# Cool kids never have

the time #

# On a live wire

right up off the street #

# You and I should meet #

# Junebug skipping

like a stone #

# Headlights pointed

at the dawn #

# We were sure we'd never see

an end to it all #

# And I don't even care #

# To shake these zipper blues #

# And we don't know #

# Just where our bones

will rest #

# To dust, I guess #

# Lamented and assured #

# To the lights #

# And towns below #

# Faster than #

# The speed of sound #

# Faster than #

# We thought we'd go #

# Beneath the sound #

# Of hope #

# The street heats

the urgency of now #

# As you see,

there's no one around. #

Oh, no.

Not again.

(speed-dial beeping)

Yeah, I have a fire

at the Mooby's

on Memorial Parkway

and Leonardo.

(door moos electronically,

Dante coughs)

(hissing)

(slow, sensual,

rhythmic melody playing)

What?

(funky riff kicks in)

What the f*** is going on?

It's your going-away party.

Whoo! Whoo!

We's all gonna get drunk

and get laid!

Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?

Isn't it awesome?

My man smoked two blunts

full of skunk.

F*** Pillow Pants!

Honk if you love

a tight p*ssy...

Yo, we love p*ssy.

Tonight, before

you leave me forever,

we are gonna peep something

we've been talking about

since we saw "Bachelor Party"

at your parents' house

on Beta, when we were 12.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

I'm gonna miss you, man.

I'm gonna miss you, too,

but this is a little much.

Yeah? Just wait.

(chuckling)

Show time!

(laughs)

Ladies and gentlemen...

and you, Elias,

straight from the debauchery

capital of the world,

Tijuana, Mexico...

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, yes.

Get ready for some

hard-core bestiality.

DRIVER:

Inter-species erotica, fucko!

(laughs)

Inter-species erotica

at its finest,

straight from TJ,

I give you Kinky Kelly

and the Sexy Stud!

# Maybe #

- # Just maybe... #

- Whoo!

# Naughty girls

need love, too... #

Don't worry.

Chick's coming.

# I've been told

time and time again #

# That you can't treat love

like a game... #

Any second,

the chick's coming.

# But I play rough

with hearts that never mend #

# 'Cause some guys like you

do the same #

# Love was

just a four-letter word #

# Never heard, how absurd... #

Any minute now.

# How could it be? #

# But now I can't believe

this is real #

# How I feel, now you steal #

# My heart away from me #

# Used to be so good

and so bad #

# Sex was something

I just had... #

Wow, that guy's being awfully

forward with that donkey.

Uh, Randal...?!

Where the f***'s the chick?

# Baby, don't let me

be misunderstood #

# Temporary love's so bad... #

Yo, Freddie f***ing Mercury,

where's Kelly?

# Then along came you... #

Right here.

# Now I know it's true... #

I thought that's the sexy stud.

I'm the sexy stud.

# Then came you... #

But this donkey's a dude.

Kelly can be

a guy's name, too. Hey!

# Yes, it's true #

# I'm in love with you #

# And believe it, baby #

# This time,

your love won't get away... #

(groans)

Due to some

nomenclature confusion,

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