Clerks 2 Page #7

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when I was a kid,

because I'd sit on the porch

and stare at my neighbors.

DANTE:

Despite the fact

that your grandmother

might have used it

as a term

of endearment for you,

it's still a racial slur.

It'd be like your grandmother

calling you a little kike.

Oh, it is not.

Plus, my grandmother had

nothing but the utmost respect

for the Jewish community.

When I was a kid,

she told me to always treat

the Jewish kids well, or they'd

put the sheeny curse on me.

What the f***, man?!

What?!

"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!

Oh, it is not.

Yes, it is!

Well, she never called

any Jews sheeny.

She just used to say

"sheeny curse" a lot.

(chuckling):

It was cute.

It wasn't cute! It was racist!

I disagree, man.

She was just an old-timer.

That's the way people talked

back then.

Didn't mean they were racists.

But my grandmother did refer

to a broken beer bottle once

as a n*gger knife.

You know, come to think of it,

my grandmother was

kind of a racist.

You think?!

Well, I-I still don't think

"porch monkey" should be

considered a racial term.

I mean, I've always used it

to describe lazy people,

not lazy black people.

I think if we really tried,

we could reclaim "porch monkey"

and save it.

DANTE:

It can't be saved, Randal.

The sole purpose

for its creation,

the only reason it exists

in the first place,

is to disparage an entire race.

And even if it could be saved,

you can't save it,

because you're not black!

Well, listen to you.

Telling me I can't do something

because of the color of my skin?

You're the racist.

(grunts)

I'm taking it back. You watch.

(door moos electronically)

(chuckling):

Hey.

What can I get for you,

you little porch monkey?

It's cool.

I'm taking it back.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

##

##

Hey.

Hey.

So, are you scared

about getting married at all?

Um...

were we in the middle

of a conversation

I don't remember leaving?

I was just thinking about it,

and I was thinking

that maybe you were waiting

for some friend

to try and stop you

from going through

with the wedding

by asking if you're even ready

to go and get married.

So I'm asking.

Are you scared

about getting married?

Well, kind of.

I mean, I'm not scared

of getting married, you know...

I-I always wanted

to get married one day...

but I am scared

of the wedding.

Why?

I don't know how to dance.

You're kidding.

I wish I was.

You're about to tie

your life to someone,

someone who doesn't

even really get you

as well as your friends do,

and what you're sweating

is dancing at your reception?

Well, I-I figure

she'll eventually get me.

I mean, you're married

to someone long enough,

they got to get you

eventually, right?

Are you kidding?

My parents have been married

for 35 years,

and they still don't get

each other.

Emma's pretty,

smart, happy, a good person...

and for some strange reason,

she loves me.

I mean, what am

I supposed to do,

pass up on that because I have

a few stupid doubts

and some jitters?

Besides, dancing

at the reception's

the more imperative concern

at this point,

because I only get,

well, presumably, one chance

to dance at my wedding.

(sighs)

So, what, you can't slow dance?

No. Anybody can slow dance,

but this is one of the only

times I've ever gonna meet

most of Emma's extended family,

and I'd like to be able

to show some flair

on the dance floor, you know?

Like, make an impression

so that maybe they'll see

whatever it is

that Emma sees in me

instead of all feeling like

I'm some burger-peddling loser

who couldn't even bust a move.

What?

(laughs):

You're serious?

Come on.

Hey, 12-step!

Jay!

Lord?

Up here, jackass.

What the f*** are you doing

up there?!

Yo, if you're gonna jump,

let me get a crack

at that p*ssy first.

Let me find out.

You still got your boom box?

Play something,

and turn it way up.

Something danceable.

Up here?

Are you serious?

You're gonna teach me

to dance up here?

What? You want I should do it

in front of all the customers?

What customers?

Shut up.

Come over here.

Okay, get ready for the music.

You feel it... here.

Here it comes.

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on the holiday site? #

Something a little

less demonic, please!

# But with them by my side

in the twilight... #

Thank you.

(Jackson Five's "ABC"

playing)

Yes! Okay, okay, um,

just-just follow

whatever it is I'm doing, okay?

- Step forward...

- All right.

- # You went to school... #

- Step back.

To your right.

# Things you never,

never knew before... #

To your left.

Turn to the right.

# Like "I" before "E"

except after "C" #

# And why two plus two

makes four #

# Now, now, now,

I'm gonna teach you #

# Teach you, teach you #

# All about love, girl #

# All about love #

# Sit yourself down... #

Okay, you really do suck.

Sit down.

Told you.

Just watch me, all right?

# A, B, C #

# Easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# A, B, C #

# Easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# Come on and love me

just a little bit #

# I'm gonna teach you

how to sing it out #

# Come on, come on, come on #

# Let me show you

what it's all about #

# Reading, writing, arithmetic #

# Are the branches

of the learning tree #

# But without the roots

of love every day, girl #

# Your education

ain't complete #

# Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's

gonna show you #

# She's gonna show you #

# How to get an "A" #

# Na-na-na-na-na-na #

# How to spell "me," "you,"

add the two #

# Listen to me, baby,

that's all you got to do #

# Oh, A, B, C #

# It's easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting

up to three #

# Singing simple melodies #

# That's how easy love can be #

# That's how easy

love can be #

# Singing simple melodies #

# One, two, three, you and me! #

# Yeah! #

- (Silent Bob mouthing)

- # Sit down, girl #

# I think I love you #

# No, get up, girl #

# Show me what you can do #

# Shake it, shake it, baby #

# Come on, now #

# Shake it, shake it, baby #

# Ooh, ooh, shake it,

shake it, baby, yeah #

# One, two, three, baby #

# Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby #

# Na, na, do, re, mi, baby #

# Now that's how easy

love can be #

- GROUP:
# Whoo! #

- # A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting

up to three #

# Singing simple melodies #

# That's how easy love can be #

# Teacher's gonna teach you

how to sing it out #

# Come on, come on, come on #

# Let me show you

what it's all about #

# A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting

up to three... #

I love you, Becky.

# Singing simple melodies... #

I'm pregnant, Dante.

# That's how easy... #

(gasps, grunts)

Oh!

(door creaking)

(door bangs shut)

I'm having second thoughts.

About your sexuality?

About going to Florida.

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