Clerks 2 Page #6

---

F*** this.

Let me borrow your car.

You're supposed to be working.

I got to get out of here

for a few minutes.

Let me borrow your car.

Elias, tell Becky

we'll be right back.

(door moos electronically)

(Elias shouting anxiously

in distance)

Where we going?

You know, this tastes like

piss and flies, don't it?

Sure you want to do this?

RANDAL:

Oh, yeah.

This will make me feel better.

# Raindrops keep falling

on my head #

# And just like the guy who's

feet are too big for his bed #

# Nothing seems to fit,

those #

# Raindrops

are falling on my head #

# They keep falling #

# But there's one thing I know #

# The blues

they send to meet me #

# Won't defeat me #

# It won't be long #

# Till happiness

steps up to greet me #

# Raindrops keep falling

on my head #

# But that doesn't mean my eyes

will soon be turning red #

# Crying's not for me,

'cause #

# I'm never gonna stop

the rain by complaining #

# Because I'm free #

# Nothing's worrying... #

# Me. #

DANTE:

Here's what I don't

understand about you.

You have a license, you

can drive a grown-up car.

But when you ride the go-carts,

you somehow feel

better about yourself.

Look, it just centers me,

all right?

Kind of the way jerking off

at work centers you.

I only did it that one time.

And it wasn't to center me.

Yeah, it was to come.

Well, I don't know about you,

but coming centers me.

Then why did we

have to leave work,

so we can ride the go-carts

to clear your head?

Well, I don't want to jerk off

in the Mooby's bathroom.

What if a customer comes in

and my jerking off gets him

all sex nuts and retard strong?

Suddenly, I'm fighting him off

as he tries to jam

my dick in his mouth.

The most likeliest of scenarios.

(scoffs)

Man, that sh*t Lance said

must have really bothered you.

Oh, f*** him.

He's an a**hole.

He always was.

I'm sorry I let him bug me

even for a second.

At least I got a go-cart trip

out of it.

Why do the go-carts help?

I don't know.

They just remind me

of a better time in my life.

Like when?

Like when we were young and the

world was still in front of us.

We're not that old.

Yeah.

But sometimes I get the feeling

the world kind of left us behind

a long time ago.

You know...

you can do something about that.

I told you, I don't want to jerk

off in the bathroom at work.

No, I mean you can

get out of Mooby's, too,

completely change

your situation in life.

What'd be the point? Besides,

why do you give a sh*t?

You're leaving.

(door moos electronically)

Thanks, you guys, thanks.

Come on!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that a number two

you wanted?

Yeah, and bovine-size it.

$13.84.

I need two Surlies

and a Cow Tipper.

I'm on it.

How we set for fries?

I don't think

these look right.

Jesus! Step away from the fryer

before you burn us all alive.

It's not my fault

you abandoned your post!

RANDAL:

Was it too much to ask

that you handle the fries?

The machine does all the work.

What's a machine

got to transform

into some giant f***ing robot

before you'll take it seriously?

Go home.

Will you just make

some fries already?

Look, I don't have all night.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

They need to get

some Mexicans working in here.

They'd be...

(imitates laser)

They don't play around.

I know it.

Mexican made me lose my job.

That motherf***er

put a roof up in 30 seconds.

Where the f*** did you guys go?

You don't want to know.

Well, I know it's

your last day and all,

but while you're

still on the clock,

can't you kind of pretend

like you still give a sh*t?

RANDAL:

Don't blame this guy.

Some cock stain that we went

to high school with

showed up to remind us

that we're f***ing failures,

so I wanted to get out of here

and blow off some steam,

if you must know.

Did he say "cock stain"?

What the f*** is cock stain?

I don't know... that's

some white freaky stuff.

White boys get the white women

to do everything.

You want to do a cock stain?

Do you know how often

I've had people come in here

that I went to school with?

F***, I had to take

a f***ing order off of a guy

I blew after junior prom once.

Yeah, I've waited on

your brother, too... h'noop!

I can't believe you.

The smartest of smart asses

got rattled

by some f***ing loser

coming in here

giving you sh*t

about your McJob.

Oh, f*** him, okay?

Sooner or later,

I'll do something with myself

and make my mark.

But until then, whatever I do

is not a waste of time,

it's all building

toward something.

How about you build towards

making some f***in' fries?

They're coming!

Remember, you saved.

You don't use

that kind of language.

Ain't nobody

from my church in here.

I don't mind people snickering

at the stupid uniform

I've got to wear.

But I'll be damned

if I'm gonna let

some self-righteous,

lucky turd come in here

and treat me and Dante

like we're a couple

of f***ing porch monkeys.

DANTE:

Randal!

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...

He didn't really just say

what I think he said.

- What? Porch monkeys?

- Randal!

What the f***

is wrong with you?!

I want my money back right now.

Of course.

Um, you know what?

Here, take this on us.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not eating something that

was cooked by some

cracker-ass hate-monger.

I will.

Baby, you can't taste racism.

What racism? Porch monkeys?!

- You little mother...

- Calm down, champ.

It ain't worth it.

You're lucky my husband doesn't

jump across this counter

and knock your teeth in.

- Why?

- Yeah, baby, why?

I mean, ain't like

he called us porch monkeys.

Hey, hey!

Baby, stop hitting on me!

See, the judge told you

about that.

You got to stop

putting your hands on people.

Here, take this.

This is your money.

Please, take the food on us.

- We're sorry.

- Oh, uh-uh.

I'm gonna write

to the paper about this,

and all y'all getting

fired up in here.

Jesus!

I'm gonna take the food.

Thank you very much.

Damn!

F***in' porch monkey...

Thanks. Come again.

Don't leave me, baby!

Are you out of

your f***ing mind?!

What?! What's the big deal?

Since when is it a crime

to say "porch monkey"?

Oh, I don't know...

since forever!

- Why?

- Because "porch monkey"

is a racial slur

against black people.

No, it's not. "N*gger" is.

Randal!

Did Randal just call

Mr. Dante a n*gger?

Shut up, Elias!

I didn't just call

Dante a n*gger.

I just said that "n*gger"

is a racial slur.

So is "porch monkey"!

Oh, it is not.

Coon, spook, spade,

moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...

those are racial slurs.

"Porch monkey" is not.

I am going to pretend

like this conversation

didn't happen.

Elias, go pick up

that f***ing mess,

and you are this close

to getting sh*t-canned!

(scoffs)

F***in' shoot me now.

(grunts angrily)

What are you doing?!

Are you trying to get fired?

Since when did "porch monkey"

suddenly become a racial slur?

When ignorant racists started

saying it 100 years ago.

Oh, bullshit.

My grandmother used to call me

a porch monkey all the time

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes