Clerks 2 Page #5

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Then give me your phone.

'Cause Mr. Dante's never

seen a donkey show.

And it'd be nice to give

him this before he goes off

to Florida and gets married and

does all those other things

that prevent a guy

from ever seeing

a f***ed-up donkey

show in his lifetime.

Hello.

Uh, I was hoping to schedule

Kinky Kelly for a performance.

Tonight.

Okay.

I'm on hold.

Fingers crossed.

We should probably

cross d*cks, too.

No.

BECKY:

Work, work, work.

That's all you ever

think about, Hicks.

Hey, Becks.

Hey, Emma.

Great shirt.

Isn't it?

I love it.

What I love even more are these.

These came in early,

and I just had to come back

and show Dante.

And give you yours, of course.

And I have one

for Randal, I guess.

What is it?

Look, I know it's

three months away,

but it would mean so much to us

if you could make the trip down.

Well... yeah.

Uh, I wouldn't miss it.

I thought we were waiting

till we got down there

before we picked a date.

Oh, him is so cute.

Him thinking again, huh?

If we left anything

up to these jackals,

nothing would ever

get done, would it?

I'm just teasing.

Guess you got to make their

decisions for 'em sometimes.

All right, I've got it.

I will see you then.

Thank you.

My friend, tonight,

we bring a bit of TJ

to the Jersey 'burbs.

(door moos electronically)

Well, I don't know

about this, Randal.

I mean, how do we know

this isn't a hoax?

Like, were there any

pictures on the Web site?

Strangely, no.

But if you've seen pics of

one chick sucking off a donkey,

you've seen them all.

Well, what if you

haven't ever seen pics

of anything like that?

Well, then you must be

as blind as Anne Frank.

'Cause what's the point in

having an Internet connection

if you're not using it to look

at weird, f***ed-up pictures

of dirty sex

you'll never have yourself?

Ho-ly sh*t.

You know, I've never pieced

this together until right now.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

You know I have

a girlfriend, Randal.

Oh, yeah.

What's her name again?

Myra Hodgkiss.

You made her up, didn't you?

That name sounds so made-up.

No.

Seriously, Elias, have you

and Myra had sex yet?

Well, that's just

kind of personal, Randal.

Come on!

I tell you about

my sex life all the time.

I let you smell my fingers

after I f***ed

Taton Weathers' kid sister

in the office

that one time, didn't I?

You kind of made me

smell your fingers.

Maybe you just

don't like the p*ssy.

Maybe you're all about the cock.

No, no, I like the p*ssy.

So come on.

Did Myra ever give you a crack

at her crack or what?

Well, not that it's any

of your business, Randal,

but she can't.

Why?

Jesus, Elias, come on.

You got to start

trusting me more.

Because once Dante's gone,

you're gonna be

my new best friend.

No, I'm not.

Who the f*** else

am I gonna hang out with?

It's gonna be you and me, buddy.

So come on.

You got to start

trusting me more.

Open up and tell me sh*t.

Like why haven't you

f***ed Myra yet?

(sighs)

Well, we can't

because of Pillow Pants.

What the f***'s Pillow Pants?

Pillow Pants is a little troll

who lives in her p*ssy.

Pillow Pants is her p*ssy troll.

Duh.

You know

how every girl's parents

put a p*ssy troll in them

when the girls are young

to keep them from having

premarital sex?

Sure.

Well, Myra's is named

Pillow Pants.

And so, even though she totally

wants to have sex with me,

Myra says if I put

my thing in her,

Pillow Pants will bite it off.

So I got to wait

until Pillow Pants

gets peed out of her body

on her 21st birthday

before we can have sex.

And Myra told you this?

Boyfriends and girlfriends

talk to each other

about sex stuff, Randal.

You'd know this

if you ever had a girlfriend.

Have you and Myra

even kissed yet?

We would have already,

if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,

isn't it?

Women.

I'll be right back.

You are never gonna believe

what Elias just told me.

Look who it is, Randal.

Randal Graves.

You work here, too?

Jesus. Anyone else from

our graduating class back there?

RANDAL:

Well, well, well...

Pickle F***er.

Man, look at you two

fun-ployees.

Nothing's changed.

You know, I'll bet

dollars to donuts,

when you two aren't fighting

about who shot first,

Han or Greedo,

you can still muster up

enough energy

to make fun of other people.

Yeah. So hurry up and order

and get out of here,

so we can make fun of you.

Oh, I don't know

if you're in a position

to make fun of anyone

anymore, Graves.

flipping burgers?

Before that, I'd heard

it was the Quick Stop

for, what, like, ten years?

We can't all be

Internet millionaires.

Who's an Internet millionaire?

Elias, this is Lance Dowds.

We went to high school together.

A few years ago,

he built a search engine which

compiles the lowest prices

of merchandise

you can buy online.

You might have heard of it...

MadDucketts.com.

Didn't that just sell to Amazon

for, like, 20 million bucks?

RANDAL:

Yeah, but back before

he was the Mad Ducketts guy,

he was just Pickle F***er.

You see, freshman year,

the seniors would hunt us

down and put us through

what they called initiations.

They'd stuff us into lockers

or throw us in the girls'

shower room naked.

But Lance here

got the worst of it.

The seniors yanked

down his pants,

and shoved a pickle up his ass,

and made him walk ten feet.

The pickle fell out

before he hit the ten-foot mark.

He had to take a bite of it,

reinsert it and walk again.

Ew...

Yeah, but don't worry...

he made it.

His pickle was small enough

to stay wedged

after only four bites.

I'll bet you're the only guy

in the world

who still remembers that,

Graves.

Oh, I bet you still remember it

pretty vividly...

Pickle F***er.

ELIAS:

Do you have any interest

in building

the ultimate fan site

for both The Lord of the Rings

and The Transformers?

Because I'd moderate it

for free.

Ease up, Pillow Pants.

The dude's not into

your D&D, GoBots bullshit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't insult the guy.

The GoBots are like

the Kmart of Transformers.

Thank you!

I keep telling them that.

Here, here's my e-mail address.

Drop me a line

with some of your ideas.

Cool.

LANCE:

Okay, let's see.

What do I want?

Uh... how about a Skinny Calf

with cheese and a Diet Coke?

I'll get your order.

Here you go.

Well, that was fast.

And fresh.

Thanks. Come again.

Yo, let's wrap this up

so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

You know what?

Take mine.

Something tells me

I'm not gonna like it, am I?

Wow, thanks, Pickle F***er.

Yo, so Pickle F***er

gave us free eats!

You know,

I don't eat fast food.

It's not good for you.

But when I heard you guys

were actually working here,

well, I just had

to see it for myself.

It's kind of nice

having that kind of free time.

Just like it's

kind of comforting to know

that some things never change.

Take care, clerks.

(imitates gunshots)

Ooh, sick burn.

(chuckles)

(door moos electronically)

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