Clerks 2 Page #4

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Say what you will about Jesus,

but leave the Rings out of this.

I am gonna kick your ass

back to the Shire

if you don't

shut your f***in' mouth.

That look was so gay,

I thought Sam was gonna tell

the little hobbits

to take a walk

so he could saunter

over to Frodo

and suck his f***in' cock.

Now, that would've been

an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hey, f*ggot, they're not gay.

They're hobbits.

And then right after

the Sam-Frodo suckfest,

right before the credits roll,

Sam f***ing flat-out bricks

in Frodo's mouth.

I swear...

F*** you!

(laughs):
I made fun of

Lord of the Rings so hard,

it made some super-geek puke

all over the counter.

Where do we keep

the mop and bucket

so I can have

Elias clean it up?

In the closet with the rest

of the cleaning products.

We have cleaning products?

(light jazz playing

over radio)

Why does it smell so weird

in here?

Buh-bye.

I'm on to you.

You know he's not

gonna make it here long

once you're not here to protect

him anymore, don't you?

Well, you're the one out

there encouraging him,

advocating ass to mouth.

I wasn't advocating it,

you big prude.

I just said it was fine

once in a while.

Like you wouldn't do it

if Emma told you to.

(scoffs):

Christ, no!

Oh, I thought love

knew no bounds.

Ew. That came off

kind of catty, didn't it?

A little daytime soapish, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

I actually kind of like Emma.

So do I.

So that's why

you're getting married!

I can't wait until

you get engaged,

so I can bust your balls as

hard as you've busted mine.

You're going to be waiting

a long time, sir.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

You're the cold-hearted

ice princess

that doesn't believe

in marriage.

I'm not saying that

it's not all right for you,

but, yes, I do think

that marriage goes

against our primal nature.

To be loved?

To f*** as much as possible...

spread the seed around

and keep the species going.

And all that sh*t

they feed us in the movies

and greeting cards

is just propaganda

to get us to marry, have kids

and keep the economy going.

Marriage is just

the keystone to economics.

You're such a sappy girl.

- Mm.

- Are you trying to tell me

you don't believe in love,

Beckalah?

In romantic love,

no.

Like, I love my parents.

I love my car.

I love you.

But romantic love,

hearts and flowers,

"There's only one person

out there for me"?

Come on, you know how many

people there are out there?

Odds are there's always going

to be someone who's

a better match for you

than the person

you end up marrying.

So based on your theory,

there's someone out there

better for me than Emma.

Oh, no,

I'm not touching that one.

Wait a second.

You don't think

I really love her?

(sighs):

I think...

you love what she represents.

Which is...?

Come on, Dante, she was

the girl who wouldn't give you

the time of day

back in high school.

And years later,

after she's played the field

and realized how unsatisfying

the so-called "hotties" are,

she's finally gone

with someone who looks...

Oh, my God,

you're gonna say

"fugly," aren't you?

Unconventional!

Ah, nice backpedal.

Thank you.

(laughs)

It took her a few years

to finally figure out

that thing

that every mother tries

to teach their little girl

but she has to learn on her own,

and that's that guys

that look like you

have a lot more to offer,

because you'll always

try harder than the pretty boy.

What am I, some hideous

f***ing CHUD over here?

(laughs):

No, you're a catch... kind of.

And Emma's a catch, too.

'Cause not only

is she pretty, but...

she'll make all your decisions

for you.

Which is lucky,

because you're pretty terrible

at making decisions.

So my last day

is all about you telling me

what an ugly,

indecisive loser I am?

(laughs)

Come on, you worked

at Quick Stop

for, like, a decade,

and you've been here

for a year almost,

and since day one at both jobs,

all you've ever said

is how you needed

to get out

and start your life.

And it wasn't until Emma walked

through the door and was,

like, "Come down

to Florida with me,

"and I'll f*** your brains out,

and my daddy will give you

a job, and blah-blah,"

that you actually went

and did something about it.

And I get it... it's...

she's your golden ticket, dude.

So, uh...

...what's that make you?

I'm just the girl who fucks

ugly, indecisive losers

in the kitchen

once this place is closed.

(whispers):

That's me.

(laughing)

DJ:

That's something for

the lovers out there.

J-RAM Radio.

Right around high noon...

So, we're never gonna talk

about it, are we?

What is there to say?

Do you regret it?

Do you?

I regret that it was

on the prep station table.

Yeah, you regret it...

you weren't the one

who got mayo in your cooch.

(both laughing)

What do you want me to say?

We were drunk, you know?

It just kind of happened.

You're just lucky

I'm not one of those monogamists

like your girlfriend.

Otherwise, I might try

to make you stay in Jersey.

If anyone could do it,

it'd be you.

Dude, your old lady's out here

looking for you.

(door creaks)

(whispers):

Yeah.

Come outside with me.

I've got a surprise for you.

That's my surprise?

No.

# Goodbye, horses... #

Hey.

Oh.

So, um...

are you looking for

a good Transformers site?

Because at CarsToBots. com,

you can get an avatar

that's your picture

morphed to look like a robot.

Come on, man.

You know I only surf

Transformers sites

when there's girls around,

so they can see how cool I am.

So what are you doing then?

Trying to secure a going away

present for Mr. Dante.

Really?

Well, how about

an Arwen sword replica?

What?

Uh...

'Cause it's, like,

thoughtful and practical.

I was thinking of something

a little more sexy.

Well, what's sexier than

an elf princess's sword?

A donkey show.

What's that?

You ever see a chick

give a mule a blow job?

(screeching):

Oh, no!

Shh!

Jesus!

If you spoil this,

I'm gonna brain you.

You gonna keep your mouth shut?

(muffled):

Yes.

God.

That's bestiality, Randal.

At its finest, I hope.

Who'd want to see

something like that?

Me, Dante, you.

I don't want to see

something like that.

Why would you want to see

something like that?

Because it's f***ed up.

And I want to see

if a chick with a mouthful

of donkey spunk swallows.

All right, here we go.

"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.

"Straight from

their dirty debut in Tijuana,

"Kelly's taking it on the road.

Taking it in the ass, that is."

You got to give it up for Oscar

Wilde-like wordplay that good.

Do they show pictures?

Only one of Kinky Kelly

sucking off Optimus Prime.

Really?

Ow.

Let me borrow your cellphone.

Whoa.

Well, 'cause, I'm only

supposed to use it

to call my parents

in case of an emergency.

This is an emergency.

We got to lock up

Kinky Kelly for tonight,

so we can give Mr. Dante

a memorable send-off.

You love Mr. Dante, don't you?

In a non-gay way.

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