Clerks 2 Page #3

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that stop in here after school.

First off, I'm not cheating

on my fiance.

Secondly, if I was cheating

on my fiance,

it wouldn't be with a teenager.

Why not?

The best part of this job

is all the barely-legal p*ssy

that comes in here.

And they all look up to me,

'cause I've got

a driver's license.

It's awesome.

You're 33.

You show me one

who's as buck-wild in bed

as her 17-year-old

counterpart.

nowadays are crazy.

They're up for anything.

They even like it when

you go ass to mouth.

Oh... my... God.

What?

Are you serious?

I don't f*** around when

it comes to ass to mouth.

DANTE:

You never go ass to mouth.

It's never my idea.

These young girls today

get all horned up,

and they tell you

to go ass to mouth.

You never go

ass to mouth, Randal!

You sound like my mom.

Becks, do you ever

go ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

You've never gone ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

I've never gone ass to mouth.

Not even once?

Not even ever.

You're both so repressed.

All right, look,

I know you've given

a blow job, right?

I haven't even put

my purse down yet.

That's a yes.

And I know you've

gone down on chicks.

What's your point?

Well,

when you're done chowing down

on the no-no parts

of your lover,

you kiss him, right?

That's just like going

ass to mouth.

Okay, I'm pretty sure you just

compared a vagina to an a**hole.

(chuckles):

And?

Have you restocked

all the napkin holders yet?

That's an Elias job.

That comparison

of pink and brown eyes

just made it a Randal job.

ELIAS:

Zing!

Shut the f*** up, GoBot.

I could probably sue

this whole corporation right now

for sexual harassment.

You're just making me

restock the napkin holders

because of my firmly held

beliefs

on the subject of ass to mouth.

You never go ass to mouth!

Would you grow up?

(quietly):
All right,

I'm gonna tell you this

'cause we're friends...

but sometimes,

in the heat of the moment,

it's forgivable

to go ass to mouth.

(Randal chuckles)

I knew it.

(disgusted groan)

I'm f***in' bored, man!

And boredom's the first step

on the road to relapse.

("Goodbye Horses" playing)

Oh!

##

Would you f*** me?

I'd f*** me.

I'd f*** me hard.

# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #

(long sigh)

("Goodbye Horses" plays

faintly from outside)

Sh*t.

Well, hello, Miss Scott.

Well, here he is,

the escape artist.

I'm not gone yet.

Please. You've been

gone for the last month.

When do you guys leave?

Well, we start driving

tomorrow morning.

Oh, uh, I left you

the forwarding address

for my last check

on the calendar there.

So you did.

That's her parents' house,

right?

Yes, but only until the wedding.

And then, from what I hear,

her parents

are giving us a house.

Nice!

So I guess dowries

are making a comeback.

Oh, yeah.

Her dad sweetened the pot

with two fatted calves

and a goat.

(laughs)

I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.

I still can't believe

you're just gonna leave

me alone in this place...

with Randal Graves,

of all people.

Quit.

Move to Florida.

You could work

at the car wash with me.

Wow, you make it

sound so tempting.

How can I say no?

Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a

f***ing car wash in Florida.

Like it's any worse

than this place.

Hurl the insults

all you want, buddy man.

As soon as my uncle's

on his feet again,

it's not like I'm

gonna be staying here.

- Hey, how's he doing?

- A lot better.

It only took two years

and a shitload of chemo,

but... his red cell count's

almost back to normal.

That's great.

Yeah, it's great for me, too.

Couple of weeks

in this crap shack

turned into a couple of

years a little too quickly.

But, Hicks, we can sit here

making small talk

about your last day

and what it is I'm going

to do once you're gone,

or we can treat this

like any other workday.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

(chuckling)

Randal.

One ring to rule them all.

And you wonder why no chick'll

let you stick your cock in her.

I never wondered that.

Yeah, 'cause you've accepted

the fact

that you'll never get a chick

a long time ago.

I could get a chick if I wanted.

(laughs):

Who are you kidding?

You can't get a chick, you mook.

You're too weird and sad.

I turn down chicks

left and right.

Your chicks are

your "left" and "right."

Yeah, right.

What do you know?

Uh, I know

you're a huge f***in' nerd

of Potsie-like proportions,

and no chicks dig nerds,

especially nerds that are

into Lord of the Rings.

(laughs quietly)

Chicks dig Lord of the Rings,

Randal.

Yeah. The kind of chicks

that are into swords

and elves and sh*t,

and I wouldn't f*** them

with the Torch of Gondor.

Oh, you're so gross!

(door moos electronically)

Hey, man.

Welcome to Mooby's.

May I take your order?

Yeah, um...

let's see.

Give me one Udderly

Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,

Skinny Calf and an order

of onion rings. Thanks.

(register beeping)

"One ring to rule them all."

(register beeping)

"One ring to find them."

Oh, Jesus.

"One ring to bring them all."

"And in the darkness bind them."

Yes! Dude!

How many times?

Well, um, three

for Fellowship,

two for Towers,

four for Return.

Five for Return.

Dude!

All right, look,

there's only one Return, okay,

and it ain't of the king...

it's of the Jedi.

Oh, Star Wars geek.

Oh, I'm the geek?

Look at you two,

whipping out your preciouses.

You'll have to excuse him.

He's not "down"

with the trilogy.

Oh, what the f*** happened

to this world?

There's only one trilogy,

you f***ing morons.

You know what?

Maybe we should start

calling your friend Padme,

because he loves

Mannequin Skywalker

so much, right?

(robotic monotone):

"Danger, danger.

"My name is Anakin.

My shitty acting

is ruining saga."

(chuckles):
Yeah.

Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Oh, I'm crazy?

Those f***ing hobbit movies

were boring as hell.

All it was

was a bunch of people walking.

Three movies of people walking

to a f***in' volcano.

Here's the first movie.

And here's the second movie.

He is way off. Loser.

You ready for the third movie?

(sighs)

F***in' A.

Even the f***in' trees walked

in those movies.

You know what?

I've had enough of you.

Your simplistic analysis

of the trilogy aside,

The Lord of the Rings

was a massive achievement that

even the Academy recognized

when they gave Peter Jackson

the Best Directing Oscar...

an award your little friend

George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never

and will never win.

Bones.

Oh, sick burn.

Let me tell you something.

If Peter Jackson

really wanted to blow me away

with those "Rings" movies,

he would've ended the third one

on the logical closure point,

not the 25 endings

that followed.

What's the logical

closure point?

Yeah, friend,

enlighten us.

When f***ing Frito wakes up from

his little coma or whatever,

and the little hobbits are

jumping up and down on his bed,

and Sam leans in the doorway

and gives him

that very f***in' gay look.

ELIAS:

Not the Rings, Randal.

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