Clerks 2 Page #2

---

that I don't even want

to think about.

You wouldn't want

to be with a girl

with an oversized clit?

No, 'cause the next stop is

a guy with an undersized dick.

(door moos electronically)

##

You're a little hard.

'Cause you're

a little close to me.

I can pull back, if you want.

Can we pull back into our

own apartment in Florida again?

Really? Goddamn it, Dante.

How many times

are we gonna have

this f***ing conversation?

There is no point

in getting an apartment anymore.

My mother has

pretty much told us

that she's gonna get us

a house as a wedding gift.

Your parents' generosity

just makes me

a little uncomfortable, Em.

They're giving us a house.

Your dad's giving me

one of his car washes to run.

It just feels weird.

Babe, it just feels weird

because you're so used

to life shitting

on you all the time.

What the f*** does that mean?

All I'm saying is that suddenly,

you have a woman that loves you,

a new job opportunity

and a fantastic life

to look forward to, right?

You got to face it, tiger:

You hit the jackpot.

RANDAL:

What's up?

Something wrong?

RANDAL:

Nope.

Just saw you guys talking.

Thought I'd come out here

and join you.

God, it must be

nice to have a job

with so much downtime.

Downtime's important.

If I had to deal with all

the f***ing mouth-breathers

nonstop, without a break,

I'd put my head

in the deep fryer.

Balls, too.

Do you really want

to sit here and watch me

and my fianc make out?

- Are you that much of a loser?

- Not really.

I was actually gonna ask

you two to knock it off

while I was out here.

I don't f***ing understand

why you can't be happy

for your best friend.

He finally found a woman

who loves him.

(titters)

Like you even register

as a chick to me.

You might as well be a dude.

Really?

Yeah. You're

my best friend's girlfriend.

You became

persona non-nookie to me

the moment he started diddling

your pooter.

So thinking of me

in terms of being a girl

kind of creeps you out,

does it?

Sweetheart, I don't think

of you in terms of being a girl.

I don't think of you

in any way...

Oh, that was just wrong.

If you don't get

the f*** out of here

so that I can spend

some quality time with my man,

next, I'm gonna show you

my pooter.

Why would you want

to do something like that?

All right, all right,

I'm leaving!

Jesus!

What'd you do that for?

You realize he just

thinks you're trying

to get him into a three-way

with us now, don't you?

EMMA:
Yeah, right.

With Graves?

That man's a total f***ing

Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.

Hey!

You talk tough, but when

we're crossing the state line,

I bet you get all sentimental

for Jersey

and squirt a few tears.

Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.

Jersey sucks,

and we are surrounded by morons.

On that note, I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're leaving?

EMMA:

Yeah, I've got

a ton of stuff to do

before we leave in the morning,

but I love you.

I love you, too.

(whispering):

Bye.

Dude, I'm pretty sure

your old lady wants

to get you and me together

in a three-way.

(whistling lackadaisically)

(whistling continues)

(scoffs)

(whistling continues)

(door moos electronically)

Ow.

Dude, how old are you?

(laughs)

You know I'm 19, Randal.

You wouldn't work for me

last week, remember?

'Cause you said working

on my birthday

would help me build character.

(sighs)

Well, at least you spelled

"cock" right this time.

Why the f*** are you

still getting rides

from your mother?

And even worse,

what the f*** are you

kissing her good-bye for?

What is she,

your f***in' prom date?

You're not gonna bother me

today, Randal.

I'm in too good a mood.

Because your mom

slipped you the tongue?

No, because I just read online

that there's gonna be

a live-action

Transformers movie.

And?

Well... I mean, as you know,

my online handle

is Optimus Prime.

I know that.

I wish I didn't.

Well, so not only is it awesome

that there's gonna be a

live-action Transformers movie,

but I'm, like,

positioned or whatever

with the best possible

Net handle and e-mail address

for when the movie comes out.

Oh, you're gonna be rolling

in the p*ssy, man.

Don't be gross.

Says the guy

who was just playing

tonsil hockey with his mother.

Mr. Dante!

Leave Elias alone, Randal!

Don't look at his wee-wee.

Dude, the Transformers sucked.

Oh, no, they didn't.

They were more

than meets the eye.

(scoffs)

They could beat the pants

off Ranger Danger any day.

Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering

whether you're right

- about that or not.

- Ow.

I thought you weren't even

allowed to watch a lot of TV

in your house 'cause you're all

Christian and sh*t.

Well, as it turns out,

cars and trucks

that turn into...

robots aren't really

that blasphemous,

because my pastor says

that machines can turn

into other machines,

and it's not a sleight

against God.

Transformers were

a total sleight against God,

inasmuch as God sent

His only begotten son

to die on the cross

to redeem mankind,

and all we did to pay him back

was make terrible f***ing

cartoons like the Transformers.

Nice shot.

Well, 'cause at Bible camp,

we made this flow chart which...

I mean, I don't know,

kind of, like, proved

or whatever that...

Well, okay...

Bible camp?!

Since God created...

Since God created man,

and man created

the Transformers...

...the Transformers are like

a gift from God, Randal.

No, sir.

They are not a gift from God.

They are an unholy curse

from the beast

we call the Desolate One.

I don't really want

to hear this, Randal.

The first of the fallen,

the spoiler of virgins,

the master of abortions!

You know I don't like to talk

about dark forces, Randal.

(in high-pitched voice):

# Let me help you #

# Out of your chair, Grandma! #

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

# Late that night,

I awoke from my sleep #

# Hearing unknown voices #

JAY/RANDAL:

# Laughing insane... #

(screaming)

(gasps)

(groaning):

Oh...

##

Oh, what the f*** was that?

What?

That wave.

I saw Becky, so I waved.

She'll be in here in 20 seconds.

And?

And you've got to greet her

before she gets in here,

you f***in' ass-kiss?

What's that all about?

It's called friendship.

She's your boss.

You can't be friends

with your boss.

No, you can't be friends

with your boss.

I like my boss.

I think there's

something going on

between you two.

You're crazy.

You spend an awful lot

of time talking to her.

I spend an awful lot of time

talking to you, too.

And I've always maintained

you're harboring an unrequited

homosexual crush on me.

We're just friends.

That's what I keep telling you.

No, you idiot, me and Becks.

"Becks"?

I knew it.

You're f***ing

around with the boss.

Yeah, that's why I'm moving

to Florida with my fiance.

Why would you want

to f*** around

with a chick your own age, man?

If you've got to sow

some of your wild oats,

there's all

these fine young chicks

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes