Clerks Page #26

CUSTOMER:

Are you open?

DANTE AND RANDAL

(simultaneously)

YES!

The CUSTOMER comes to the counter.

CUSTOMER:

Pack of cigarettes.

(pets cat)

Cute cat. What's its name?

RANDAL:

Annoying Customer.

The CUSTOMER lets it sink in, and then leaves in a huff.

DANTE puts up cigarettes.

DANTE:

Can you imagine being halfway decent

to the customers at least some of

the time?

RANDAL:

Let me borrow your car.

DANTE:

(calmer)

May I be blunt with you?

RANDAL:

If you must.

DANTE:

We are employees of Quick Stop

Convenience and RST video,

respectively. As such, we have

certain responsibilities which-though

it may seem cruel and unusual-does

include manning our posts until

closing.

RANDAL:

I see. So playing hockey and attending

wakes-these practices are standard

operating procedure.

DANTE:

There's a difference. Those were

obligations. Obligations that could

not have been met at any later date.

Now renting videos-that's just

gratuitous, not to mention illogical,

considering you work in a video store.

Another CUSTOMER leans in.

CUSTOMER:

Are you open?

DANTE:

(rolls his eyes)

Yes.

RANDAL:

You know what? I don't think I care

for your rationale.

DANTE:

It's going to have to do for now,

considering that it's my car that's

up for request.

(to CUSTOMER)

Can I help you?

CUSTOMER:

Pack of cigarettes.

RANDAL:

What's your point?

DANTE:

My point is that you're a clerk,

paid to do a job. You can't just do

anything you want while you're

working.

CUSTOMER:

(reading tabloid)

"Space Alien Revealed as Head of

Time Warner; Reports Stock Increase."

(to DANTE and RANDAL)

They print any kind of sh*t in these

papers.

DANTE:

They certainly do. Two fifty-five.

RANDAL:

So your argument is that title

dictates behavior?

DANTE:

What?

RANDAL:

The reasons you won't let me borrow

your car is because I have a title

and a job description, and I'm

supposed to follow it, right?

DANTE:

Exactly.

CUSTOMER:

(interjecting)

I saw one, one time, that said the

world was ending the next week.

Then in the next week's paper, they

said we were miraculously saved at

the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant

bird. Crazy sh*t.

RANDAL:

(eyes the CUSTOMER,

annoyed)

So I'm no more responsible for my

own decisions while I'm here at work

than, say, the Death Squad soldiers

in Bosnia?

DANTE:

That's stretching it. You're not

being asked to slay children or

anything.

RANDAL:

Not yet.

(sips water)

CUSTOMER:

(again with the

interjections)

And I remember this one time the

damn paper said...

RANDAL spits a mist of water at the customer, drenching him.

The man reacts violently, attempting to grab RANDAL from

over the counter. RANDAL makes no move, but remains untouched.

DANTE plays block.

CUSTOMER:

I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR F***ING HEAD!

YOU F***ING JERKOFF!

DANTE:

Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean

it! He was trying to get me.

CUSTOMER:

Well, he missed!

DANTE:

I know. I'm sorry. Let me refund

your cigarette money, and we'll call

it even.

CUSTOMER:

(considerably calmer;

takes money)

This is the last time I ever come

here.

(to RANDAL)

And if I ever see you again, I'm

gonna break your f***ing head open!

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