Clerks II

Synopsis: A calamity at Dante and Randall's shops sends them looking for new horizons - but they ultimately settle at Mooby's, a fictional fast-food restaurant. Free from his dead-end job (and lodged in a new one), Dante begins to break free of his rut, planning to move away with his clingy fiancé. Dante is ready to leave the horrors of minimum-wage New Jersey behind, but Randal - always the more hostile of the two - starts to become overwhelmed by his own rancor.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Kevin Smith
Production: MGM
  3 wins & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.4
Metacritic:
65
Rotten Tomatoes:
63%
R
Year:
2006
97 min
$23,951,963
Website
2,864 Views


(quiet, noble melody playing)

(music fades)

(car approaching)

(keys jingling)

(flames crackling)

(flames crackling)

Yeah, I got a fire|at the Quick Stop.

Yeah.

(steam hissing)

(hissing and crackling)

(debris rattling)

(bell dings)

Terrorists?

I left the coffee pot|on again, didn't I?

Sh*t!

Now where am I gonna|bring chicks to f***

when my mom's home?

But Flowers"intro playing)

(horn honks)

# Here we stand #

# Like an Adam and an Eve #

# Waterfalls #

# The Garden of Eden #

# Two fools in love #

# So beautiful... #

So, ready for your big last day?

I am.

When do you and your old lady|head down to Florida?

Tomorrow morning.

Car's all packed up.

You gonna do anything crazy

before you leave|New Jersey forever?

How long have you known me?

If I were you,|I'd spray-paint "eat p*ssy"

across the side of the building|in huge letters.

Why?

Let 'em know|you were there, man.

I'd rather let them know|I'm not an a**hole.

Too late for that.

I'm really gonna miss you, man.

# Hey #

# Once there were parking lots #

# Now it's a peaceful oasis #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# This was a Pizza Hut #

# Now it's all covered|with daisies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# I miss the honky-tonks,|Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# And as things fell apart #

# Nobody paid much attention #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Years ago #

# I was an angry young man... #

I can't believe they haven't|done anything with it yet.

The Lord did|something with it.

He smited that hellhole.

Listen to you.

Do you mean to tell me

you don't miss|that place at all?

(scoffs):
|God, no.

Do you?

Of course not.

# I wish I had a lawnmower #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# #

# #

# #

# I dream of cherry pies #

# Candy bars|and chocolate chip cookies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Don't leave me stranded here #

# I can't get used|to this lifestyle. #

(heavy metal music playing)

(whistles)

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

Get the f*** out of here!

# Grandma said, "Do come in,|my little friend." #

You know, sometimes I wish|I did a little more with my life

instead of hanging out in front|of places selling weed and sh*t.

Like, maybe be an animal doctor.

Why not me?

I like seals and sh*t.

Or maybe an astronaut.

Yeah.

Like, be the first motherf***er|to see a new galaxy

or find|a new alien life-form...

and f*** it.

And people'd be like,|"There he goes.

Homeboy f***ed a Martian once."

Holy sh*t.

Our first customer|since our triumphant return.

Act cool.

Hold on.

Yeah, you guys holdin'?

Sh*t, everything but coke,|heroin and your cock.

What?

How about a nickel bag, man?

(sing-songy):
|Oh, 15 bucks, little man.

Put that sh*t in my hand.

# Nong, nong, nagga-|nagga-nong-nong. #

He likes to sing.

So, uh, I haven't seen|you guys in a while, man.

Where you been all this time?

Me and Silent Bob|finally bought a car,

we're cruising down|to the Boardwalk...

f***ing Middletown cop|pulls us over

for Suspicion of Mischief.

What the f*** does that mean?

We were driving around|with a deployed airbag.

The cops pull us over.

They find two pounds|of Jamaican lambswool.

Prosecutor wants|to put us away for a dime,

but the judge gives us|rehab instead.

Sh*t, rehab?

Yup-yup.

How long were you in?

JAY:
|Six months, sir.

We got six months|and two days on the wagon

as a good friend of Bill W.'s.

Check it out.

Just got it two days ago,|before we got out.

Yeah, but if you're holding|all the time,

aren't you gonna be tempted|to get high?

Oh, not with the power|of Christ on my side, sir.

Is that a f***in' Bible?

Hey, hey,|the Holy f***in' Bible, son!

What the f*** kind|of songbird Jesus-freak dealer

did you bring me to?

"(laughs):
" I like them, man.|They're funny.

They're f***in' stupid.

You should read your Bible,|sirs.

You'll find all types|of weird sh*t in there.

Like, did you know|Jesus was a Jew?

Yeah.

(chuckles)

I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,

and we're almost out|of hash browns.

Hold on.

Now, Randal!

(chuckling)

What are you writing|over there, anyway,

your memoirs?

I'm battling

this jackass|on his blog's message board.

About what?

On how he's got|too much free time and no life.

So does the guy who's|flaming him on his Web site.

I can't help it.|The guy pisses me off.

It's this f*** in a wheelchair

that's always preying|on everyone's sympathies,

writing these long diatribes|about how he'll never walk again

and how walkers should|appreciate the blessings

of their functioning legs.

That diatribe, as you call it,

sounds like|some poor crippled guy

pouring out his heart|and feelings.

Oh, f*** him, man.

Trying to guilt me|into walking around more

because he's all gimped out?

What kind of mind-f***|is that sh*t?

So I've been getting|into it with him,

throwing it back|in his stupid crippy-boy face

about how I love|to just sit around

and how I'd rather drive to|the end of the block than walk.

The guy's in a wheelchair.

Yeah. That's why|I called him crippy-boy.

Have a good one.

You f***in' freak.

(door buzzer moos)

I'm not even gonna point out|the irony here.

What's the matter with you?

What'd I do now?

There's a crippled guy|who found a way

to reach out to a world|he feels isolated from,

and you somehow found a|way to take issue with him.

Sure, take his side.

Have you become so embittered

that you now feel the need|to attack the handicapped?

What handicap?

The guy's|just in a wheelchair.

It's not like|he's Anne Frank or something.

Anne Frank?

Yeah, Anne Frank,|the chick that was all...

(moaning)

...till the miracle worker|showed up

and knocked|some smarts into her.

(snickers):
|You're talking

about Helen Keller.

No, I'm not.|I'm talking about Anne Frank.

She was deaf, dumb and blind.

No, she wasn't.

Helen Keller was|deaf, dumb and blind.

Are you sure?

Yup.

Then who the f***'s Anne Frank?

Anne Frank's|the little Jewish girl

who hid from the Nazis

in a secret room|with her family.

She wrote a diary.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, I guess|this guy is like Anne Frank,

what with the diary, you know?

No, he's like Helen Keller|with the handicap, you jerk!

(computer beeping)

You always got to be right,|don't you?

You Nazi douche bag.

What? What do you want?

No, we don't serve Cow Tippers|in the morning.

Freedom Toast is a possibility.

# #

Oh, we totally do.

(scoffs)

All right, that'll be $12.64.

(door moos electronically)

(gasps)

(sighs)

Avert your eyes, you perv.

That's not very hygienic.

Rate this script:3.0 / 3 votes

Kevin Smith

Kevin Patrick Smith (born August 2, 1970) is an American filmmaker, actor, comedian, public speaker, comic book writer, author, and podcaster. He came to prominence with the low-budget comedy Clerks (1994), which he wrote, directed, co-produced, and acted in as the character Silent Bob of stoner duo "Jay & Silent Bob". Jay and Silent Bob have appeared in Smith's follow-up films Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back which were mostly all set in his home state of New Jersey. While not strictly sequential, the films frequently featured crossover plot elements, character references, and a shared canon described by fans as the "View Askewniverse", named after his production company View Askew Productions, which he co-founded with Scott Mosier. more…

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