Clerks II
(music fades)
(car approaching)
(keys jingling)
(flames crackling)
(flames crackling)
Yeah, I got a fire|at the Quick Stop.
Yeah.
(steam hissing)
(hissing and crackling)
(debris rattling)
(bell dings)
Terrorists?
I left the coffee pot|on again, didn't I?
Sh*t!
Now where am I gonna|bring chicks to f***
when my mom's home?
But Flowers"intro playing)
(horn honks)
# Here we stand #
# Like an Adam and an Eve #
# Waterfalls #
# The Garden of Eden #
# Two fools in love #
# So beautiful... #
So, ready for your big last day?
I am.
When do you and your old lady|head down to Florida?
Tomorrow morning.
Car's all packed up.
before you leave|New Jersey forever?
How long have you known me?
If I were you,|I'd spray-paint "eat p*ssy"
across the side of the building|in huge letters.
Why?
Let 'em know|you were there, man.
I'd rather let them know|I'm not an a**hole.
Too late for that.
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
# Hey #
# Once there were parking lots #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# This was a Pizza Hut #
# Now it's all covered|with daisies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# I miss the honky-tonks,|Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Nobody paid much attention #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Years ago #
# I was an angry young man... #
I can't believe they haven't|done anything with it yet.
The Lord did|something with it.
He smited that hellhole.
Listen to you.
Do you mean to tell me
you don't miss|that place at all?
(scoffs):
|God, no.Do you?
Of course not.
# I wish I had a lawnmower #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# #
# #
# #
# Candy bars|and chocolate chip cookies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Don't leave me stranded here #
# I can't get used|to this lifestyle. #
(whistles)
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on that holiday site? #
Get the f*** out of here!
# Grandma said, "Do come in,|my little friend." #
You know, sometimes I wish|I did a little more with my life
instead of hanging out in front|of places selling weed and sh*t.
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
Why not me?
I like seals and sh*t.
Or maybe an astronaut.
Yeah.
Like, be the first motherf***er|to see a new galaxy
or find|a new alien life-form...
and f*** it.
And people'd be like,|"There he goes.
Homeboy f***ed a Martian once."
Holy sh*t.
Our first customer|since our triumphant return.
Act cool.
Hold on.
Yeah, you guys holdin'?
Sh*t, everything but coke,|heroin and your cock.
What?
(sing-songy):
|Oh, 15 bucks, little man.Put that sh*t in my hand.
# Nong, nong, nagga-|nagga-nong-nong. #
He likes to sing.
So, uh, I haven't seen|you guys in a while, man.
Where you been all this time?
Me and Silent Bob|finally bought a car,
we're cruising down|to the Boardwalk...
f***ing Middletown cop|pulls us over
for Suspicion of Mischief.
What the f*** does that mean?
We were driving around|with a deployed airbag.
The cops pull us over.
They find two pounds|of Jamaican lambswool.
Prosecutor wants|to put us away for a dime,
but the judge gives us|rehab instead.
Sh*t, rehab?
Yup-yup.
How long were you in?
JAY:
|Six months, sir.We got six months|and two days on the wagon
as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
Check it out.
Just got it two days ago,|before we got out.
Yeah, but if you're holding|all the time,
aren't you gonna be tempted|to get high?
Oh, not with the power|of Christ on my side, sir.
Is that a f***in' Bible?
Hey, hey,|the Holy f***in' Bible, son!
What the f*** kind|of songbird Jesus-freak dealer
did you bring me to?
"(laughs):
" I like them, man.|They're funny.They're f***in' stupid.
You should read your Bible,|sirs.
You'll find all types|of weird sh*t in there.
Like, did you know|Jesus was a Jew?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,
and we're almost out|of hash browns.
Hold on.
Now, Randal!
(chuckling)
What are you writing|over there, anyway,
your memoirs?
I'm battling
this jackass|on his blog's message board.
About what?
On how he's got|too much free time and no life.
So does the guy who's|flaming him on his Web site.
I can't help it.|The guy pisses me off.
It's this f*** in a wheelchair
that's always preying|on everyone's sympathies,
writing these long diatribes|about how he'll never walk again
and how walkers should|appreciate the blessings
of their functioning legs.
That diatribe, as you call it,
sounds like|some poor crippled guy
pouring out his heart|and feelings.
Oh, f*** him, man.
Trying to guilt me|into walking around more
because he's all gimped out?
What kind of mind-f***|is that sh*t?
So I've been getting|into it with him,
throwing it back|in his stupid crippy-boy face
about how I love|to just sit around
and how I'd rather drive to|the end of the block than walk.
The guy's in a wheelchair.
Yeah. That's why|I called him crippy-boy.
Have a good one.
You f***in' freak.
(door buzzer moos)
I'm not even gonna point out|the irony here.
What's the matter with you?
What'd I do now?
There's a crippled guy|who found a way
to reach out to a world|he feels isolated from,
and you somehow found a|way to take issue with him.
Sure, take his side.
Have you become so embittered
that you now feel the need|to attack the handicapped?
What handicap?
The guy's|just in a wheelchair.
It's not like|he's Anne Frank or something.
Anne Frank?
Yeah, Anne Frank,|the chick that was all...
(moaning)
...till the miracle worker|showed up
and knocked|some smarts into her.
(snickers):
|You're talkingabout Helen Keller.
No, I'm not.|I'm talking about Anne Frank.
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
No, she wasn't.
Helen Keller was|deaf, dumb and blind.
Are you sure?
Yup.
Then who the f***'s Anne Frank?
Anne Frank's|the little Jewish girl
who hid from the Nazis
in a secret room|with her family.
She wrote a diary.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I guess|this guy is like Anne Frank,
what with the diary, you know?
No, he's like Helen Keller|with the handicap, you jerk!
(computer beeping)
You always got to be right,|don't you?
You Nazi douche bag.
What? What do you want?
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers|in the morning.
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
# #
Oh, we totally do.
(scoffs)
All right, that'll be $12.64.
(door moos electronically)
(gasps)
(sighs)
Avert your eyes, you perv.
That's not very hygienic.
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"Clerks II" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/clerks_ii_5655>.
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