Clerks II Page #2

That's all I'm gonna tell you.

(door moos electronically)

Emma, are you like this

'cause you have an|unnaturally large clit?

(sighs)

You just had to tell him,|didn't you?

It kind of came out one day.

He says it's so big,

it's almost like|a little cock...

which says all kinds|of weird things about him

that I don't even want|to think about.

You wouldn't want|to be with a girl

with an oversized clit?

No, 'cause the next stop is|a guy with an undersized dick.

(door moos electronically)

# #

You're a little hard.

'Cause you're|a little close to me.

I can pull back, if you want.

Can we pull back into our|own apartment in Florida again?

Really? Goddamn it, Dante.

How many times|are we gonna have

this f***ing conversation?

There is no point|in getting an apartment anymore.

My mother has|pretty much told us

that she's gonna get us|a house as a wedding gift.

Your parents' generosity

just makes me|a little uncomfortable, Em.

They're giving us a house.

Your dad's giving me|one of his car washes to run.

It just feels weird.

Babe, it just feels weird|because you're so used

to life shitting|on you all the time.

What the f*** does that mean?

All I'm saying is that suddenly,

you have a woman that loves you,

a new job opportunity

and a fantastic life|to look forward to, right?

You got to face it, tiger:|You hit the jackpot.

RANDAL:
|What's up?

Something wrong?

RANDAL:
|Nope.

Just saw you guys talking.

Thought I'd come out here|and join you.

God, it must be|nice to have a job

with so much downtime.

Downtime's important.

If I had to deal with all|the f***ing mouth-breathers

nonstop, without a break,

I'd put my head|in the deep fryer.

Balls, too.

Do you really want

to sit here and watch me|and my fiance make out?

- Are you that much of a loser?|- Not really.

I was actually gonna ask|you two to knock it off

while I was out here.

I don't f***ing understand|why you can't be happy

for your best friend.

He finally found a woman|who loves him.

(titters)

Like you even register|as a chick to me.

You might as well be a dude.

Really?

Yeah. You're|my best friend's girlfriend.

You became|persona non-nookie to me

the moment he started diddling|your pooter.

So thinking of me|in terms of being a girl

kind of creeps you out,|does it?

Sweetheart, I don't think|of you in terms of being a girl.

I don't think of you|in any way...

Oh, that was just wrong.

If you don't get|the f*** out of here

so that I can spend|some quality time with my man,

next, I'm gonna show you|my pooter.

Why would you want|to do something like that?

All right, all right,|I'm leaving!

Jesus!

What'd you do that for?

You realize he just|thinks you're trying

to get him into a three-way|with us now, don't you?

EMMA:
Yeah, right.|With Graves?

That man's a total f***ing|Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.

Hey!

You talk tough, but when|we're crossing the state line,

I bet you get all sentimental|for Jersey

and squirt a few tears.

Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.

Jersey sucks,

and we are surrounded by morons.

On that note, I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!|You're leaving?

EMMA:
|Yeah, I've got|a ton of stuff to do

before we leave in the morning,|but I love you.

I love you, too.

(whispering):
|Bye.

Dude, I'm pretty sure|your old lady wants

to get you and me together|in a three-way.

(whistling lackadaisically)

(whistling continues)

(scoffs)

(whistling continues)

(door moos electronically)

Ow.

Dude, how old are you?

(laughs)

You know I'm 19, Randal.

You wouldn't work for me|last week, remember?

'Cause you said working|on my birthday

would help me build character.

(sighs)

Well, at least you spelled|"cock" right this time.

Why the f*** are you|still getting rides

from your mother?

And even worse,

what the f*** are you|kissing her good-bye for?

What is she,|your f***in' prom date?

You're not gonna bother me|today, Randal.

I'm in too good a mood.

Because your mom|slipped you the tongue?

No, because I just read online|that there's gonna be

a live-action|Transformers movie.

And?

Well... I mean, as you know,

my online handle|is Optimus Prime.

I know that.|I wish I didn't.

Well, so not only is it awesome

that there's gonna be a|live-action Transformers movie,

but I'm, like,|positioned or whatever

with the best possible|Net handle and e-mail address

for when the movie comes out.

Oh, you're gonna be rolling|in the p*ssy, man.

Don't be gross.

Says the guy|who was just playing

tonsil hockey with his mother.

Mr. Dante!

Leave Elias alone, Randal!

Don't look at his wee-wee.

Dude, the Transformers sucked.

Oh, no, they didn't.

They were more|than meets the eye.

(scoffs)

They could beat the pants|off Ranger Danger any day.

Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering|whether you're right

- about that or not.|- Ow.

I thought you weren't even|allowed to watch a lot of TV

in your house 'cause you're all|Christian and sh*t.

Well, as it turns out,|cars and trucks

that turn into...

robots aren't really|that blasphemous,

because my pastor says

that machines can turn|into other machines,

and it's not a sleight|against God.

Transformers were|a total sleight against God,

inasmuch as God sent|His only begotten son

to die on the cross|to redeem mankind,

and all we did to pay him back

was make terrible f***ing|cartoons like the Transformers.

Nice shot.

Well, 'cause at Bible camp,|we made this flow chart which...

I mean, I don't know,

kind of, like, proved|or whatever that...

Well, okay...

Bible camp?!

Since God created...

Since God created man,

and man created|the Transformers...

...the Transformers are like|a gift from God, Randal.

No, sir.|They are not a gift from God.

They are an unholy curse

from the beast|we call the Desolate One.

I don't really want|to hear this, Randal.

The first of the fallen,

the spoiler of virgins,

the master of abortions!

You know I don't like to talk|about dark forces, Randal.

(in high-pitched voice):|# Let me help you #

# Out of your chair, Grandma! #

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

# Late that night,|I awoke from my sleep #

# Hearing unknown voices #

JAY/RANDAL:
|# Laughing insane... #

(screaming)

(gasps)

(groaning):
|Oh...

# #

Oh, what the f*** was that?

What?

That wave.

I saw Becky, so I waved.

She'll be in here in 20 seconds.

And?

And you've got to greet her

before she gets in here,|you f***in' ass-kiss?

What's that all about?

It's called friendship.

She's your boss.

You can't be friends|with your boss.

No, you can't be friends|with your boss.

I like my boss.

I think there's|something going on

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