Clerks II Page #3

between you two.

You're crazy.

You spend an awful lot|of time talking to her.

I spend an awful lot of time|talking to you, too.

And I've always maintained

you're harboring an unrequited|homosexual crush on me.

We're just friends.

That's what I keep telling you.

No, you idiot, me and Becks.

"Becks"?

I knew it.

You're f***ing|around with the boss.

Yeah, that's why I'm moving|to Florida with my fiancee.

Why would you want|to f*** around

with a chick your own age, man?

If you've got to sow|some of your wild oats,

there's all|these fine young chicks

that stop in here after school.

First off, I'm not cheating|on my fiancee.

Secondly, if I was cheating|on my fiancee,

it wouldn't be with a teenager.

Why not?

The best part of this job

is all the barely-legal p*ssy|that comes in here.

And they all look up to me,

'cause I've got|a driver's license.

It's awesome.|You're 33.

You show me one|33-year-old chick

who's as buck-wild in bed

as her 17-year-old|counterpart.

They're up for anything.

They even like it when|you go ass to mouth.

Oh... my... God.

What?

Are you serious?

I don't f*** around when|it comes to ass to mouth.

DANTE:
|You never go ass to mouth.

It's never my idea.

These young girls today|get all horned up,

and they tell you|to go ass to mouth.

You never go|ass to mouth, Randal!

You sound like my mom.

Becks, do you ever|go ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

You've never gone ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

I've never gone ass to mouth.

Not even once?

Not even ever.

You're both so repressed.

All right, look,

I know you've given|a blow job, right?

I haven't even put|my purse down yet.

That's a yes.

And I know you've|gone down on chicks.

What's your point?

Well,

when you're done chowing down|on the no-no parts

of your lover,|you kiss him, right?

That's just like going|ass to mouth.

Okay, I'm pretty sure you just|compared a vagina to an a**hole.

(chuckles):
|And?

Have you restocked|all the napkin holders yet?

That's an Elias job.

That comparison|of pink and brown eyes

just made it a Randal job.

ELIAS:
|Zing!

Shut the f*** up, GoBot.

I could probably sue|this whole corporation right now

for sexual harassment.

You're just making me|restock the napkin holders

because of my firmly held|beliefs

on the subject of ass to mouth.

You never go ass to mouth!

Would you grow up?

"(quietly):
" All right,|I'm gonna tell you this

'cause we're friends...

but sometimes,|in the heat of the moment,

it's forgivable|to go ass to mouth.

(Randal chuckles)

I knew it.

(disgusted groan)

I'm f***in' bored, man!

And boredom's the first step|on the road to relapse.

("Goodbye Horses"playing)

Oh!

# #

Would you f*** me?

I'd f*** me.

I'd f*** me hard.

# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #

(long sigh)

faintly from outside)

Sh*t.

Well, hello, Miss Scott.

Well, here he is,|the escape artist.

I'm not gone yet.

Please. You've been|gone for the last month.

When do you guys leave?

Well, we start driving|tomorrow morning.

Oh, uh, I left you|the forwarding address

for my last check|on the calendar there.

So you did.

That's her parents's house,|right?

Yes, but only until the wedding.

And then, from what I hear,

her parents|are giving us a house.

Nice!

So I guess dowries|are making a comeback.

Oh, yeah.

Her dad sweetened the pot|with two fatted calves

(laughs)

I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.

I still can't believe

you're just gonna leave|me alone in this place...

with Randal Graves,|of all people.

Quit.

Move to Florida.

You could work|at the car wash with me.

Wow, you make it|sound so tempting.

How can I say no?

Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a|f***ing car wash in Florida.

Like it's any worse|than this place.

Hurl the insults|all you want, buddy man.

As soon as my uncle's|on his feet again,

it's not like I'm|gonna be staying here.

- Hey, how's he doing?|- A lot better.

It only took two years|and a shitload of chemo,

but... his red cell count's|almost back to normal.

That's great.

Yeah, it's great for me, too.

Couple of weeks|in this crap shack

turned into a couple of|years a little too quickly.

But, Hicks, we can sit here

making small talk|about your last day

and what it is I'm going|to do once you're gone,

or we can treat this|like any other workday.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

(chuckling)

Randal.

One ring to rule them all.

And you wonder why no chick'll|let you stick your cock in her.

I never wondered that.

Yeah, 'cause you've accepted|the fact

that you'll never get a chick|a long time ago.

I could get a chick if I wanted.

(laughs):
|Who are you kidding?

You can't get a chick, you mook.

You're too weird and sad.

I turn down chicks|left and right.

Your chicks "are"|your "left" and "right."

Yeah, right.|What do you know?

Uh, I know|you're a huge f***in' nerd

of Potsie-like proportions,|and no chicks dig nerds,

especially nerds that are|into "Lord of the Rings."

(laughs quietly)

Chicks dig "Lord of the Rings,"|Randal.

Yeah. The kind of chicks

that are into swords|and elves and sh*t,

and I wouldn't f*** them|with the Torch of Gondor.

Oh, you're so gross!

(door moos electronically)

Hey, man.

Welcome to Mooby's.|May I take your order?

Yeah, um...

let's see.

Give me one Udderly|Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,

Skinny Calf and an order|of onion rings. Thanks.

(register beeping)

"One ring to rule them all."

(register beeping)

"One ring to find them."

Oh, Jesus.

"One ring to bring them all."

"And in the darkness bind them."

Yes! Dude!

How many times?

Well, um, three|for "Fellowship,"

two for "Towers,"

four for "Return."

Five for "Return."

Dude!

All right, look,

there's only one "Return, okay,"

and it ain't of the king...|it's of the Jedi.

Oh, "Star Wars" geek.

Oh, I'm the geek?

Look at you two,|whipping out your preciouses.

You'll have to excuse him.

He's not "down"|with the trilogy.

Oh, what the f*** happened|to this world?

There's only one trilogy,

you f***ing morons.

You know what?

Maybe we should start|calling your friend Padme,

because he loves|Mannequin Skywalker

so much, right?

(robotic monotone):|"Danger, danger.

"My name is Anakin.

My shitty acting|is ruining saga."

"(chuckles):" Yeah.|Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Oh, I'm crazy?

Those f***in' hobbit movies|were boring as hell.

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