Clerks II Page #4

All it was|was a bunch of people walking.

Three movies of people walking|to a f***in' volcano.

Here's the first movie.

And here's the second movie.

He is way off. Loser.

You ready for the third movie?

(sighs)

F***in' A.

Even the f***in' trees walked|in those movies.

You know what?

I've had enough of you.

Your simplistic analysis|of the trilogy aside,

The Lord of the Rings|was a massive achievement that

even the Academy recognized

when they gave Peter Jackson|the Best Directing Oscar...

an award your little friend|George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never

and will never win.

Bones.

Oh, sick burn.

Let me tell you something.

If Peter Jackson|really wanted to blow me away

with those "Rings" movies,|he would've ended the third one

on the logical closure point,

not the 25 endings|that followed.

What's the logical|closure point?

Yeah, friend,

enlighten us.

When f***ing Frito wakes up from|his little coma or whatever,

and the little hobbits are|jumping up and down on his bed,

and Sam leans in the doorway

and gives him|that very f***in' gay look.

ELIAS:
|Not the "Rings, Randal."

Say what you will about Jesus,

but leave the "Rings" out of this.

I am gonna kick your ass|back to the Shire

if you don't|shut your f***in' mouth.

That look was so gay,|I thought Sam was gonna tell

the little hobbits|to take a walk

so he could saunter|over to Frodo

and suck his f***in' cock.

Now, "that" would've been|an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hey, f*ggot, they're not gay.|They're hobbits.

And then right after|the Sam-Frodo suckfest,

right before the credits roll,

Sam f***ing flat-out bricks|in Frodo's mouth.

I swear...

F*** you!

"(laughs):
" I made fun of|"Lord of the Rings" so hard,

it made some super-geek puke|all over the counter.

Where do we keep|the mop and bucket

so I can have|Elias clean it up?

In the closet with the rest|of the cleaning products.

We have cleaning products?

over radio)

Why does it smell so weird|in here?

Buh-bye.

I'm on to you.

You know he's not|gonna make it here long

once you're not here to protect|him anymore, don't you?

Well, you're the one out|there encouraging him,

advocating ass to mouth.

I wasn't advocating it,|you big prude.

I just said it was fine|once in a while.

Like you wouldn't do it|if Emma told you to.

(scoffs):
|Christ, no!

Oh, I thought love|knew no bounds.

Ew. That came off|kind of catty, didn't it?

A little daytime soapish, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

I actually kind of like Emma.

So do I.

So that's why|you're getting married!

I can't wait until|you get engaged,

so I can bust your balls as|hard as you've busted mine.

You're going to be waiting|a long time, sir.

Oh, that's right.|I forgot.

You're the cold-hearted|ice princess

that doesn't believe|in marriage.

I'm not saying that|it's not all right for you,

but, yes, I do think

that marriage goes|against our primal nature.

To be loved?

To f*** as much as possible...

spread the seed around|and keep the species going.

And all that sh*t|they feed us in the movies

and greeting cards|is just propaganda

to get us to marry, have kids|and keep the economy going.

Marriage is just|the keystone to economics.

You're such a sappy girl.

- Mm.|- Are you trying to tell me

you don't believe in love,|Beckalah?

In romantic love,

no.

Like, I love my parents.

I love my car.|I love you.

But romantic love,|hearts and flowers,

"There's only one person|out there for me"?

Come on, you know how many|people there are out there?

Odds are there's always going

to be someone who's|a better match for you

than the person|you end up marrying.

So based on your theory,

there's someone out there|better for me than Emma.

Oh, no,|I'm not touching that one.

Wait a second.

You don't think|I really love her?

(sighs):
|I think...

you love what she represents.

Which is?

Come on, Dante, she was|the girl who wouldn't give you

the time of day|back in high school.

And years later,|after she's played the field

and realized how unsatisfying|the so-called "hotties" are,

she's finally gone|with someone who looks...

Oh, my God,

you're gonna say|"fugly," aren't you?

Unconventional!

Ah, nice backpedal.

(laughs)

It took her a few years

to finally figure out|that thing

that every mother tries|to teach their little girl

but she has to learn on her own,

and that's that guys|that look like you

have a lot more to offer,|because you'll always

try harder than the pretty boy.

What am I, some hideous|f***ing CHUD over here?

(laughs):
|No, you're a catch... kind of.

And Emma's a catch, too.

'Cause not only|is she pretty, but...

she'll make all your decisions|for you.

Which is lucky,|because you're pretty terrible

at making decisions.

So my last day|is all about you telling me

what an ugly,|indecisive loser I am?

(laughs)

Come on, you worked|at Quick Stop

for, like, a decade,

and you've been here|for a year almost,

and since day one at both jobs,

all you've ever said|is how you needed

to get out|and start your life.

And it wasn't until Emma walked|through the door and was,

like, "Come down|to Florida with me,

"and I'll f*** your brains out,

and my daddy will give you|a job, and blah-blah,"

that you actually went|and did something about it.

And I get it... it's...

she's your golden ticket, dude.

So, uh...

...what's that make you?

I'm just the girl who fucks|ugly, indecisive losers

in the kitchen|once this place is closed.

(whispers):
|That's me.

(laughing)

DJ:
|That's something for|the lovers out there.

J-RAM Radio.|Right around high noon...

So, we're never gonna talk|about it, are we?

What is there to say?

Do you regret it?

Do you?

I regret that it was|on the prep station table.

Yeah, you regret it...|you weren't the one

who got mayo in your cooch.

(both laughing)

What do you want me to say?

We were drunk, you know?

It just kind of happened.

You're just lucky

I'm not one of those monogamists|like your girlfriend.

Otherwise, I might try|to make you stay in Jersey.

If anyone could do it,|it'd be you.

Dude, your old lady's out here|looking for you.

(door creaks)

(whispers):
|Yeah.

Come outside with me.|I've got a surprise for you.

That's my surprise?

No.

# Goodbye, horses... #

Hey.

Oh.

So, um...

are you looking for|a good Transformers site?

Because at CarsToBots. Com,

you can get an avatar

that's your picture|morphed to look like a robot.

Come on, man.

You know I only surf|Transformers sites

when there's girls around,|so they can see how cool I am.

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