Clerks II Page #5

So what are you doing then?

Trying to secure a going away|present for Mr. Dante.

Really?

Well, how about|an Arwen sword replica?

What?

Uh...

'Cause it's, like,|thoughtful and practical.

I was thinking of something|a little more sexy.

Well, what's sexier than|an elf princess's sword?

A donkey show.

What's that?

You ever see a chick|give a mule a blow job?

(screeching):
|Oh, no!

Shh!

Jesus!

If you spoil this,|I'm gonna brain you.

You gonna keep your mouth shut?

(muffled):
|Yes.

God.

That's bestiality, Randal.

At its finest, I hope.

Who'd want to see|something like that?

Me, Dante, you.

I don't want to see|something like that.

Why would you want to see|something like that?

Because it's f***ed up.

And I want to see

if a chick with a mouthful|of donkey spunk swallows.

All right, here we go.

"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.

"Straight from|their dirty debut in Tijuana,

"Kelly's taking it on the road.

Taking it in the ass, that is."

You got to give it up for Oscar|Wilde-like wordplay that good.

Do they show pictures?

Only one of Kinky Kelly|sucking off Optimus Prime.

Really?

Ow.

Let me borrow your cell phone.

Whoa.

Well, 'cause, I'm only|supposed to use it

to call my parents|in case of an emergency.

This is an emergency.

We got to lock up|Kinky Kelly for tonight,

so we can give Mr. Dante|a memorable send-off.

You love Mr. Dante, don't you?

In a non-gay way.

Then give me your phone.

'Cause Mr. Dante's never|seen a donkey show.

And it'd be nice to give|him this before he goes off

to Florida and gets married and|does all those other things

that prevent a guy|from ever seeing

a f***ed-up donkey|show in his lifetime.

Hello.

Uh, I was hoping to schedule|Kinky Kelly for a performance.

Tonight.

Okay.

I'm on hold.

Fingers crossed.

We should probably|cross d*cks, too.

No.

BECKY:
|Work, work, work.

That's all you ever|think about, Hicks.

Hey, Becks.

Hey, Emma.

Great shirt.

Isn't it?|I love it.

What I love even more are these.

These came in early,

and I just had to come back|and show Dante.

And give you yours, of course.

And I have one|for Randal, I guess.

What is it?

Look, I know it's|three months away,

but it would mean so much to us|if you could make the trip down.

Well... yeah.

Uh, I wouldn't miss it.

I thought we were waiting|till we got down there

before we picked a date.

Oh, him is so cute.

Him thinking again, huh?

If we left anything|up to these jackals,

nothing would ever|get done, would it?

I'm just teasing.

Guess you got to make their|decisions for 'em sometimes.

All right, I've got it.

I will see you then.

Thank you.

My friend, tonight,

we bring a bit of TJ|to the Jersey 'burbs.

(door moos electronically)

Well, I don't know|about this, Randal.

I mean, how do we know|this isn't a hoax?

Like, were there any|pictures on the Web site?

Strangely, no.

But if you've seen pics of|one chick sucking off a donkey,

you've seen them all.

Well, what if you|haven't ever seen pics

of anything like that?

Well, then you must be|as blind as Anne Frank.

'Cause what's the point in|having an Internet connection

if you're not using it to look|at weird, f***ed-up pictures

of dirty sex|you'll never have yourself?

Ho-ly sh*t.

You know, I've never pieced|this together until right now.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

You know I have|a girlfriend, Randal.

Oh, yeah.

What's her name again?

Myra Hodgkiss.

You made her up, didn't you?

That name sounds so made-up.

No.

Seriously, Elias, have you|and Myra had sex yet?

Well, that's just|kind of personal, Randal.

Come on!

I tell you about|my sex life all the time.

I let you smell my fingers

after I f***ed|Taton Weathers' kid sister

in the office|that one time, didn't I?

You kind of made me|smell your fingers.

Maybe you just|don't like the p*ssy.

Maybe you're all about the cock.

No, no, I like the p*ssy.

So come on.

Did Myra ever give you a crack|at her crack or what?

Well, not that it's any|of your business, Randal,

but she can't.

Why?

Jesus, Elias, come on.

You got to start|trusting me more.

Because once Dante's gone,

you're gonna be|my new best friend.

No, I'm not.

Who the f*** else|am I gonna hang out with?

It's gonna be you and me, buddy.

So come on.

You got to start|trusting me more.

Open up and tell me sh*t.

Like why haven't you|f***ed Myra yet?

(sighs)

Well, we can't|because of Pillow Pants.

What the f***'s Pillow Pants?

Pillow Pants is a little troll|who lives in her p*ssy.

Pillow Pants is her p*ssy troll.

Duh.

You know|how every girl's parents

put a p*ssy troll in them|when the girls are young

to keep them from having|premarital sex?

Sure.

Well, Myra's is named|Pillow Pants.

And so, even though she totally|wants to have sex with me,

Myra says if I put|my thing in her,

Pillow Pants will bite it off.

So I got to wait|until Pillow Pants

gets peed out of her body|on her 21st birthday

before we can have sex.

And Myra told you this?

Boyfriends and girlfriends

talk to each other|about sex stuff, Randal.

You'd know this|if you ever had a girlfriend.

Have you and Myra|even kissed yet?

We would have already,|if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,|isn't it?

Women.

I'll be right back.

You are never gonna believe|what Elias just told me.

Look who it is, Randal.

Randal Graves.

You work here, too?

Jesus. Anyone else from|our graduating class back there?

RANDAL:
|Well, well, well...

Pickle F***er.

Man, look at you two|fun-ployees.

Nothing's changed.

You know, I'll bet|dollars to donuts,

when you two aren't fighting

about who shot first,|Han or Greedo,

you can still muster up|enough energy

to make fun of other people.

Yeah. So hurry up and order|and get out of here,

so we can make fun of you.

Oh, I don't know|if you're in a position

to make fun of anyone|anymore, Graves.

Before that, I'd heard|it was the Quick Stop

for, what, like, ten years?

We can't all be|Internet millionaires.

Who's an Internet millionaire?

Elias, this is Lance Dowds.

We went to high school together.

A few years ago,

he built a search engine which|compiles the lowest prices

of merchandise|you can buy online.

You might have heard of it...|MadDucketts. Com.

Didn't that just sell to Amazon|for, like, 20 million bucks?

RANDAL:
|Yeah, but back before

he was the Mad Ducketts guy,|he was just Pickle F***er.

You see, freshman year,

the seniors would hunt us|down and put us through

what they called initiations.

They'd stuff us into lockers

or throw us in the girls'|shower room naked.

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