Clerks II Page #6

But Lance here|got the worst of it.

The seniors yanked|down his pants,

and shoved a pickle up his ass,

and made him walk ten feet.

The pickle fell out|before he hit the ten-foot mark.

He had to take a bite of it,|reinsert it and walk again.

Ew...

Yeah, but don't worry...|he made it.

His pickle was small enough|to stay wedged

after only four bites.

I'll bet you're the only guy|in the world

who still remembers that,|Graves.

Oh, I bet you still remember it|pretty vividly...

Pickle F***er.

ELIAS:
|Do you have any interest

in building|the ultimate fan site

for both "The Lord of the Rings"|and "The Transformers?"

Because I'd moderate it|for free.

Ease up, Pillow Pants.

The dude's not into|your D&D, GoBots bullshit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't insult the guy.

The GoBots are like|the Kmart of Transformers.

Thank you!

I keep telling them that.

Here, here's my e-mail address.

Drop me a line|with some of your ideas.

Cool.

LANCE:
|Okay, let's see.

What do I want?

Uh... how about a Skinny Calf|with cheese and a Diet Coke?

I'll get your order.

Here you go.

Well, that was fast.

And fresh.

Thanks. Come again.

Yo, let's wrap this up|so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

You know what?

Take mine.

Something tells me|I'm not gonna like it, am I?

Wow, thanks, Pickle F***er.

Yo, so Pickle F***er|gave us free eats!

You know,|I don't eat fast food.

It's not good for you.

But when I heard you guys|were actually working here,

well, I just had|to see it for myself.

It's kind of nice|having that kind of free time.

Just like it's|kind of comforting to know

that some things never change.

Take care, clerks.

(imitates gunshots)

Ooh, sick burn.

(chuckles)

(door moos electronically)

F*** this.

Let me borrow your car.

You're supposed to be working.

I got to get out of here|for a few minutes.

Let me borrow your car.

Elias, tell Becky|we'll be right back.

(door moos electronically)

in distance)

Where we going?

You know, this tastes like|piss and flies, don't it?

Sure you want to do this?

RANDAL:
|Oh, yeah.

This will make me feel better.

# Raindrops keep falling|on my head #

# And just like the guy who's|feet are too big for his bed #

# Nothing seems to fit,|those #

# Raindrops|are falling on my head #

# They keep falling #

# But there's one thing I know #

# The blues|they send to meet me #

# Won't defeat me #

# It won't be long #

# Till happiness|steps up to greet me #

# Raindrops keep falling|on my head #

# But that doesn't mean my eyes|will soon be turning red #

# Crying's not for me,|'cause #

# I'm never gonna stop|the rain by complaining #

# Because I'm free #

# Nothing's worrying... #

# Me. #

DANTE:
|Here's what I don't|understand about you.

You have a license, you|can drive a grown-up car.

But when you ride the go-carts,

you somehow feel|better about yourself.

Look, it just centers me,|all right?

Kind of the way jerking off|at work centers you.

I only did it that one time.

And it wasn't to center me.

Yeah, it was to come.

Well, I don't know about you,|but coming centers me.

Then why did we|have to leave work,

so we can ride the go-carts|to clear your head?

Well, I don't want to jerk off|in the Mooby's bathroom.

What if a customer comes in

and my jerking off gets him|all sex nuts and retard strong?

Suddenly, I'm fighting him off

as he tries to jam|my dick in his mouth.

The most likeliest of scenarios.

(scoffs)

Man, that sh*t Lance said|must have really bothered you.

Oh, f*** him.

He's an a**hole.|He always was.

I'm sorry I let him bug me|even for a second.

At least I got a go-cart trip|out of it.

Why do the go-carts help?

I don't know.

They just remind me|of a better time in my life.

Like when?

Like when we were young and the|world was still in front of us.

We're not that old.

Yeah.

But sometimes I get the feeling

the world kind of left us behind|a long time ago.

You know...

you can do something about that.

I told you, I don't want to jerk|off in the bathroom at work.

No, I mean you can|get out of Mooby's, too,

completely change|your situation in life.

What'd be the point? Besides,|why do you give a sh*t?

You're leaving.

(door moos electronically)

Thanks, you guys, thanks.

Come on!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that a number two|you wanted?

Yeah, and bovine-size it.

$13.84.

I need two Surlies|and a Cow Tipper.

I'm on it.

How we set for fries?

I don't think|these look right.

Jesus! Step away from the fryer|before you burn us all alive.

It's not my fault|you abandoned your post!

RANDAL:
|Was it too much to ask|that you handle the fries?

The machine does all the work.

What's a machine|got to transform

into some giant f***ing robot|before you'll take it seriously?

Go home.

Will you just make|some fries already?

Look, I don't have all night.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

They need to get|some Mexicans working in here.

(imitates laser)

They don't play around.

I know it.|Mexican made me lose my job.

That motherf***er|put a roof up in 30 seconds.

Where the f*** did you guys go?

You don't want to know.

Well, I know it's|your last day and all,

but while you're|still on the clock,

can't you kind of pretend|like you still give a sh*t?

RANDAL:
|Don't blame this guy.

Some cock stain that we went|to high school with

showed up to remind us|that we're f***ing failures,

so I wanted to get out of here

and blow off some steam,|if you must know.

Did he say "cock stain"?

What the f*** is cock stain?

I don't know... that's|some white freaky stuff.

White boys get the white women|to do everything.

You want to do a cock stain?

Do you know how often|I've had people come in here

that I went to school with?

F***, I had to take|a f***ing order off of a guy

I blew after junior prom once.

Yeah, I've waited on|your brother, too... h'noop!

I can't believe you.

The smartest of smart asses|got rattled

by some f***ing loser|coming in here

giving you sh*t|about your McJob.

Oh, f*** him, okay?

Sooner or later,|I'll do something with myself

and make my mark.

But until then, whatever I do|is not a waste of time,

it's all building|toward something.

How about you build towards|making some f***in' fries?

They're coming!

Remember, you saved.

You don't use|that kind of language.

Ain't nobody|from my church in here.

I don't mind people snickering

at the stupid uniform|I've got to wear.

But I'll be damned|if I'm gonna let

some self-righteous,|lucky turd come in here

and treat me and Dante

like we're a couple|of f***ing porch monkeys.

DANTE:
|Randal!

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...

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