Clerks II Page #7

He didn't really just say|what I think he said.

- What? Porch monkeys?|- Randal!

What the f***|is wrong with you?!

I want my money back right now.

Of course.|Um, you know what?

Here, take this on us.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not eating something that

was cooked by some|cracker-ass hate-monger.

I will.

Baby, you can't taste racism.

What racism? Porch monkeys?!

- You little mother...|- Calm down, champ.

It ain't worth it.

You're lucky my husband doesn't

jump across this counter|and knock your teeth in.

- Why?|- Yeah, baby, why?

I mean, ain't like|he called us porch monkeys.

Hey, hey!

Baby, stop hitting on me!

See, the judge told you|about that.

You got to stop|putting your hands on people.

Here, take this.|This is your money.

Please, take the food on us.

- We're sorry.|- Oh, uh-uh.

I'm gonna write|to the paper about this,

and all y'all getting|fired up in here.

Jesus!

I'm gonna take the food.

Thank you very much.

Damn!

F***in' porch monkey...

Thanks. Come again.

Don't leave me, baby!

Are you out of|your f***ing mind?!

What?! What's the big deal?

Since when is it a crime|to say "porch monkey"?

Oh, I don't know...|since forever!

- Why?|- Because "porch monkey"

is a racial slur|against black people.

No, it's not. "N*gger" is.

Randal!

Did Randal just call|Mr. Dante a n*gger?

Shut up, Elias!

I didn't just call|Dante a n*gger.

I just said that "n*gger"|is a racial slur.

So is "porch monkey"!

Oh, it is not.

Coon, spook, spade,|moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...

"those" are racial slurs.

"Porch monkey" is not.

I am going to pretend|like this conversation

didn't happen.

Elias, go pick up|that f***ing mess,

and you are this close|to getting sh*t-canned!

(scoffs)

F***in' shoot me now.

(grunts angrily)

What are you doing?!

Are you trying to get fired?

Since when did "porch monkey"|suddenly become a racial slur?

When ignorant racists started|saying it 100 years ago.

Oh, bullshit.

My grandmother used to call me|a porch monkey all the time

when I was a kid,|because I'd sit on the porch

and stare at my neighbors.

DANTE:
|Despite the fact

that your grandmother|might have used it

as a term|of endearment for you,

it's still a racial slur.

It'd be like your grandmother|calling you a little kike.

Oh, it is not.

Plus, my grandmother had

nothing but the utmost respect|for the Jewish community.

When I was a kid,|she told me to always treat

the Jewish kids well, or they'd|put the sheeny curse on me.

What the f***, man?!

What?!

"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!

Oh, it is not.

Yes, it is!

Well, she never called|any Jews sheeny.

She just used to say|"sheeny curse" a lot.

(chuckling):
|It was cute.

It wasn't cute! It was racist!

I disagree, man.

She was just an old-timer.

That's the way people talked|back then.

Didn't mean they were racists.

But my grandmother did refer|to a broken beer bottle once

as a n*gger knife.

You know, come to think of it,

my grandmother was|kind of a racist.

You think?!

Well, l-I still don't think

"porch monkey" should be|considered a racial term.

I mean, I've always used it|to describe lazy people,

not lazy black people.

I think if we really tried,

we could reclaim "porch monkey"|and save it.

DANTE:
|It can't be saved, Randal.

The sole purpose|for its creation,

the only reason it exists|in the first place,

is to disparage an entire race.

And even if it could be saved,

you can't save it,|because you're not black!

Well, listen to you.

Telling me I can't do something|because of the color of my skin?

You're the racist.

(grunts)

I'm taking it back. You watch.

(door moos electronically)

(chuckling):
|Hey.

What can I get for you,|you little porch monkey?

It's cool.|I'm taking it back.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

# #

# #

Hey.

Hey.

So, are you scared|about getting married at all?

Um...

were we in the middle|of a conversation

I don't remember leaving?

I was just thinking about it,|and I was thinking

that maybe you were waiting|for some friend

to try and stop you

from going through|with the wedding

by asking if you're even ready|to go and get married.

So I'm asking.

Are you scared|about getting married?

Well, kind of.

I mean, I'm not scared|of getting married, you know...

l-I always wanted|to get married one day...

but I am scared|of the wedding.

Why?

I don't know how to dance.

You're kidding.

I wish I was.

You're about to tie|your life to someone,

someone who doesn't|even really get you

as well as your friends do,

and what you're sweating|is dancing at your reception?

Well, l-I figure|she'll eventually get me.

I mean, you're married|to someone long enough,

they got to get you|eventually, right?

Are you kidding?

My parents have been married|for 35 years,

and they still don't get|each other.

Emma's pretty,|smart, happy, a good person...

and for some strange reason,|she loves me.

I mean, what am|I supposed to do,

pass up on that because I have

a few stupid doubts|and some jitters?

Besides, dancing|at the reception's

the more imperative concern|at this point,

because I only get,

well, presumably, one chance|to dance at my wedding.

(sighs)

So, what, you can't slow dance?

No. Anybody can slow dance,

but this is one of the only|times I've ever gonna meet

most of Emma's extended family,

and I'd like to be able|to show some flair

on the dance floor, you know?

Like, make an impression|so that maybe they'll see

whatever it is|that Emma sees in me

instead of all feeling like|I'm some burger-peddling loser

who couldn't even bust a move.

What?

(laughs):
|You're serious?

Come on.

Hey, 12-step!

Jay!

Lord?

Up here, jackass.

What the f*** are you doing|up there?!

Yo, if you're gonna jump,

let me get a crack|at that p*ssy first.

Let me find out.

You still got your boom box?

Play something,|and turn it way up.

Something danceable.

Up here?

Are you serious?

You're gonna teach me|to dance up here?

What? You want I should do it|in front of all the customers?

What customers?

Shut up.|Come over here.

Okay, get ready for the music.

You feel it... here.

Here it comes.

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on the holiday site? #

Something a little|less demonic, please!

# But with them by my side|in the twilight... #

Thank you.

playing)

Yes! Okay, okay, um,|just-just follow

whatever it is I'm doing, okay?

- Step forward...|- All right.

- # You went to school... #|- Step back.

To your right.

# Things you never,|never knew before... #

To your left.

Turn to the right.

# Like "l" before "E"|except after "C" #

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