Clinger

Sh*t, f***!

God damn it!

My God, my

God, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I think you dislocated

your shoulder.

I was about to break my P.R.

Damn it!

I... I think I should call 911.

I'm training for

an important meet.

I have to keep going.

Absolutely not.

I need you to pop it in.

Like, I can't do that.

It's a slow and steady pull,

directly away from my body,

without any sudden movements.

I-I-I-...

Do it on three.

Okay, I-I can do this.

I can do this.

One, two, three.

My God!

I'm Robert.

I'm Fern.

Yeah, I know.

I... I sit behind you

in fifth period chem.

Wanna hang out

on Friday, Robert?

I was hoping you would ask me.

Wanna hook up in my car?

With who?

Is it the guy from the car wash?

Or is it the guy who

wears his hat backwards?

Or is it that guy

from your school

who had that thing for me?

Kelsey, don't you have

anything better to do?

No, I'm on my vacation days.

It's a-it's a perk of being

unemployed-self-employed.

'Kay.

Well, use a condom.

Bye, sis.

Hey, Fern, it's me, Robert.

I'm thinkin' maybe I may

throw a party sometime,

like at my house,

with all my friends.

I got friends, a lot of em'.

Hey.

Robert, are you taking

another long shower?

No, Mom!

Fern Petersen...

Robert, will you...

Will you be my girlfriend?

Wait, is he

supposed to ask that?

Hey, Robert.

Fern, you look amazing.

Thanks.

So how far are we

gonna go tonight?

I d...

That's not

what I meant to say.

I meant to say how

far are we gonna drive

because I have to be home by 11.

I have practice

tomorrow.

Actually, we don't

have to drive anywhere.

You know, I think my favorite

thing about you, Fern,

is how graceful

you are.

This is a work in progress.

As long as you'll

be my first boyfriend.

Yeah.

Hey.

Christian Singles Magazine

says you have to be sexy

and spontaneous.

And don't

forget to swallow...

-Moe.

-Your pride,

because relationships

are about compromise.

I'm so happy for you, Fern.

Eskimo.

Do you wanna have sex soon?

Soon would be nice.

Well, I just don't

know if we're ready and

I want our first time to be

perfect.

Perfect.

I know. It will be.

Because you're perfect.

Happy one month anniversary.

Happy one month and

one week anniversary.

-I love you beary much.

-Happy one month

and three week anniversary.

I love you beary much.

It's what our

kid will look like.

I made it on the internet.

He seems like the

perfect boyfriend.

For the love of God, break up.

I mean, I see what

he was trying to do.

Fern, where do you

see yourself in a year?

At MIT, running

for the track team,

and studying neuroscience.

See, you're gonna be

miles apart from each other

and you won't want Mister

Crazy latched onto you.

By the way, which of these

socks puppets do you think

better exudes professionalism?

The blue one.

But Robert has

perfect eyebrows.

And he has an enormous,

throbbing heart.

I want a guy like that.

I'm the sister here,

I give the advice,

and you are not helping.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, if you

wanna go to MIT,

you can't be tied down.

But, I mean, should

I break up with?

Should I keep it going? Should I keep

it going and then break up with him?

I mean, how is this

supposed to work?

It's like when

Mom and Dad say,

"Kelsey, why don't

you have a job?"

And I say, "If I had a job,

"I could never become a

billionaire entrepreneur."

You have to stick to your

plan, no matter what.

Robert, she's

going to love it.

It sure is swell, kiddo.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Hey, check this out.

Robert, it looks

a little dangerous.

Yeah,

that's my name.

Damn it.

I wrote that last year

when I sat behind you

in Ms. Gerritt's class.

That's so sweet, Robert.

I actually have one

more thing to show you.

Wait here.

Wait, Robert, I have

to tell you something.

I know what you're gonna say.

And I've been wanting to say

it, too, for the longest time.

Fern Petersen, I love you!

I think we should break up!

Wait, what?

My God!

We're so sorry for your loss.

We brought you some lasagna.

Thank you.

Do you remember how

Robert used to sit in class?

He would always raise his hand,

like he was trying

to tell us something.

He was trying to

tell us something.

And then he would

be at his locker...

getting books.

You're so eloquent, Jenny.

Fern, I am so

sorry for your loss.

If you ever need a best friend,

I am always here for you.

Thanks.

Didn't you wear

that dress at formal?

It's so cute.

You should say something

to his parents, Fern.

You killed him,

Fern.

It was all your fault.

He died for you, Fern.

Fern?

You know, funeral etiquette.

What?

Fern.

You were the one.

The one.

He really was a good guy.

You know what you need?

A rebound.

Kelsey, it's been a week.

Sh*t.

This week has gone by slow.

Everyone's wearing

black armbands for Robert.

Robert's in Heaven now,

playing angel games

with his angel friends.

Keep your chin up.

Eskimo.

So, you doin' okay?

Not really, no.

Sorry, that

was a dumb question.

But if you ever need

anything, just let me know.

Psyched for game day, man?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, you know,

I'm sorry about Ronald.

My turtle died last week,

so I know exactly how you feel.

I'll see you around, Fern.

See you, Harlan.

If you slow down,

I swear to God

I will scream

loudly in your face.

Sorry, Coach Valeria.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to yourself.

Sorry, Fern.

Much better.

How much time do I have to

cut for a shot at the MIT team?

At least five

seconds off your 400.

I'll get it down.

I know.

And sorry about

your dead boyfriend.

Side hug.

Maybe I'll see him

lingering around somewhere.

Sounds like he had

a tragic death.

What?

Never mind.

I made you macaroni

with bacon bits,

because when I was a

cook in the Marines

that's what we served

this to boost morale.

Semper Fi!

You know I really

did like Robert.

I thought he was a great guy.

He was really cute.

He could play guitar.

I think he'd be the next

Bob Dylan if he... lived.

Mom, Dean can stay

for dinner, right?

Yes!

I can't stay, babe, dinner

meeting tonight.

Also gotta feed the dog.

It's been like

three days.

I love you.

Cool.

See you, Fern.

People like Dean are

the reason this country

is going down the shitter.

Dad!

Coach Valeria?

What the hell

are you doin' here?

You're a ghost hunter?

Sh*t.

I don't do that anymore.

Wait.

Go away, Fern.

I need your help.

Nice place.

Ghost hunting

makes a lot of money.

But that website

was from the 90's.

I been meaning to take it down.

Coaching has been my cover

ever since I... retired.

Well, can you unretire?

Please.

I get the job done, that's it.

Don't be calling me at

all hours of the night

when your doodads are

floating around your room.

Thanks, Coach.

Now when did the

hauntings begin?

Last night a heart

appeared in my macaroni

and earlier in the

day there was this...

Sounds like a love ghost,

but it could be a

butt-burrowing lava demon.

God.

Fern, you don't want to

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