Clinger Page #2

get involved in this sh*t.

Love ghosts have been

known to manipulate reality

and make things come to life.

And butt-burrowing lava

demons, well... they hurt.

They come in through

the back door.

I mean, back door, back door.

Brrrr.

All in your insides.

Ignore the hauntings.

I'm not ignoring Robert.

And I'm definitely not

ignoring a butt-eating fire...

Butt-burrowing lava demon.

Amateur.

Bingo.

Amorem excitare spiritus.

I took Latin

for a semester.

If that helps at all.

My.

Damn, it's a love ghost.

And your eyes

were turning white.

How does that even happen? I made a

connection with the netherworld.

To deal with love ghosts you

have to know three things.

Rule number one, to summon

Robert, say his name three times

while standing on your head.

Rule number two, love

ghosts can't move on.

Literally. They can't move far from

the places you spent time together.

Rule number three, only

you can see Robert,

since he's your love ghost.

No one else can see him.

Ignore Robert. Sooner or later he'll

be swallowed into the hell pits

of eternal darkness.

You'll never have to

hear from him again.

Just don't piss off love ghosts,

they can be deadly.

Fern, you can still walk away.

I'm not leaving

Robert like that.

When love ghosts

get outta hand,

it can turn a regular guy

into a complete madman.

Side hug.

Robert. Robert.

Robert.

-Fern, dinner's ready.

-Fern.

You-you're not mad at me?

Why would I be mad at you?

I love you.

I was planning on telling you,

but the other night was

such a blur.

I must've caught a

bug or something.

Robert... you're bleeding.

Really?

Here, this'll help.

Fern, dinner's ready.

Sexual harassment.

It's everywhere.

It's on the streets.

It's in schools.

It's in the workplace.

And why is it everywhere?

Because the people

aren't educated.

So I, Kelsey Petersen,

have taken it upon myself,

with my latest startup business,

to educate the people

about sexual harassment,

but in a totally fun, new way.

With sock puppets.

Sock puppets.

Sexual harassment

sock puppets.

They make sexual harassment fun.

It's great that you're starting

your own business, Kelsey.

It's my fifth business.

Entrepreneurship is the

backbone of our country.

Capitalism is evil.

But this idea just

doesn't make any sense.

Well, it has some kinks.

I'll figure it out later.

It's okay, Kelsey.

Kelsey?

So, Fern, still tryin'

to pork your boyfriend?

Dean!

What?

He die-!

What?

He died.

You should really think

about writin' that

into your college essay.

You know, they love

tragic sh*t like that.

That's very funny, Dean.

Dean, I suggest

you leave, right now,

or I'm gonna pull up

your personal website.

I'm outie!

What website? Babe?

What? What website?

Well, if it makes

it any better,

Fern was about to break up with...

-Kelsey!

What?

No, Robert, I...

I told you she needed therapy.

Why are you hugging her?

Why didn't I get a salad?

Fern, what were they

talking about in there?

Robert, there's no

easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

Say what?

The other night,

you lost your head.

I apologize for

the other night.

I don't even remember

what happened.

No, it was cut off.

I think we should

break up.

What?

You're dead, Robert.

I'm a vampire?

You're not undead.

You're just dead.

Ghosts are way cooler

than vampires, anyway.

So, that's why no

one was talking to me?

Can anyone else see me?

Maybe you should

take some time

to figure things out.

Fine, I'll go to my grave.

That'll be fun.

Sh*t!

I should really learn how

to walk through walls.

Yeah.

There ya go, sweetie.

Thanks, Flapper Girl.

Good day.

My name is Temperance Baker.

We're grave neighbors.

This is my tombstone.

Hi, I'm Robert.

Why the bitter

countenance, Mister Robert?

Mostly this and

there's this girl.

We're in love, but she's alive.

I was in love once

with my husband.

Our matrimony was...

mostly perfect...

Yah!

There were a few

bumps in our road.

Mister Robert, never

let go of your beloved,

for nothing is more

precious than love.

Hey, guys,

in light of Robert

Klingher's recent passing,

the School Board has

brought in a specialist

to speak to you

guys about grief.

Good morning,

Patrick Moore High.

Kelsey, what are you doing?

I'm diversifying my company.

Shush.

I hear you all are grieving.

I'm Kelsey Petersen,

CEO of Sock Puppet

Therapy, Incorporated.

And my friends and I

are here to tell you

that grief is okay.

Before we get started, I need

a volunteer from the audience.

Anyone?

Fern.

Come on up here.

Come on, Fern.

Just put on the sock puppet.

And if you could read the

lines from this script,

that would be awesome.

Fern and I are going to

recreate a conversation

that a lot of you

have had lately.

Whenever you're ready, Fern.

"Have you heard about Javier?"

"Yes.

"He is dead now and

he's not coming back.

"My emotions are

really turbulent.

"Why did this have to happen?"

"Everyone dies eventually.

"Some sooner than others.

"The important thing

is that he loved you."

And you, and you,

and you, and you.

Thank you, Fern.

That was lovely.

And thank you for

the segue, Fern.

The first stage of

grief is denial.

Robert, Robert, Robert.

Why'd you summon me here?

You said I needed

time to myself.

I wish I had a cute musician

to teach me how to play.

Preferably one with big

eyebrows and a dashing suit.

What else can you do?

If you're going to stay at school

then you have to be quiet.

Beats hanging out

in the cemetery.

In two weeks we have the biggest

Goddamn meet of the year.

The Patrick Moore Invitational.

Yeah!

I need everyone to

give 5,000% at practice.

If you lollygag,

I will sh*t on you.

Especially you, Carla.

Get outta here.

Will the MIT coach be there?

Yeah.

That gives us two weeks to get

your 400 down to 56.

MIT?

Are you trying to leave me?

No, no, but it's

my dream school

and it's only four years.

Yeah, but what if

you forget about me?

Do I just cease to exist

if you forget about me?

I'm pretty sure I could

never forget about you, Robert.

MIT is overrated anyways.

Let's go, Fern! Let's go!

You don't want to get into MIT.

You don't want it bad enough.

One!

One!

Hey!

So tonight, we are going

to have a romantic dinner

at the cemetery at six o'clock.

I would love to,

Robert, but I...

I have cheese.

It's goat cheese.

Like the goatiest

of goat cheese.

You're gonna love it. I have

to finish up that lab report.

No, no, no, look,

look, look, look.

I've also got wine.

This comes from the

hills of Venezuela.

I don't have time

tonight, I'm sorry.

Look, I am going

to be at the cemetery

and I know that you

will make some time.

Robert.

Robert.

It'll be just

like our first date,

but I will be way less awkward.

Do you know

anything about ghosts?

You're weird.

No, but I do get why

people believe in them.

They're comforting.

When my grandpa died

when I was seven,

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