Clockwise

---

Right, Orridge,

Popple! Potel!

...cannot but feel deeply humbled.

Five years ago, if I may be

personal for a moment...

a rather overawed headmaster

of a rather obscure, maintained

comprehensive school...

Stimpson.

Can you make 3:
30 Monday

or 4:
30 Tuesday?

No, 10:
35 on Thursday

or 12:
10 Friday.

Ah, can't do I'm afraid.

Or we could say 11:10 Friday week.

That's fine for me, whatever suits you.

Don't run!

Sharon Seeds...

...arrived at the annual meeting

for the first time,

amazed to find himself invited

to become one of your very select

handful of additional members.

Come in!

He listened to the headmasters of schools

with great and glorious names...

Come in... great and glorious names...

Headmaster...

Eton and Harrow, Winchester

and Westminster.

Am I taking 4H in G3

at 10:
30?

...as they expatiated upon

a variety of weighty matters,

scarcely did our nervous new boy...

open his mouth.

Sorry. This is your thing

with all the posh schools?

Joan said that I'm taking 4H in G3

at 10:
30.

I thought I was taking

Peter Styles is taking 4H in G3

at 10:
30.

Right Ted, 2:
15.

Slay 'em at the conference, Brian.

Tell all those upper-class ponces

we're gonna hang 'em from the lamp post

by their old school ties!

Right, thank you Ted!

Ah, you're taking 4G in H3

at 10:
35.

Oh, God!

They should try having 4G

at Harrow!

Well, that obscure comprehensive school

was none other...

than Thomas Tompion.

And that overawed new boy

was none other than me.

Little did he dream,

within a few short years he would

be standing up here himself

as the very first comprehensive school

headmaster ever...

to become Chairman of

the Headmasters' Conference.

Clint...

Where do you think

you're going, Clint?

The Guinness Book of Records?

Every day this term so far,

isn't it Clint?

Well don't just stand there, Clint!

Run!

And come out from that doorway!

Not you... you!

Yes you, I can see the smoke you fool.

I can see your feet!

Oh, it's you!

Right, now I've got some sad

news for you all...

I'm going to be away today.

I knew you'd be heartbroken!

Right. Now where am I going?

To the University of Norwich

in the fair county of Norfolk.

And why am I going there?

Because that's where this

year's annual meeting

of the Headmasters' Conference

is being held,

and you can all feel rather

proud of yourselves.

Because they don't let just any old headmasters

into the Headmaster's Conference, far from it...

The Headmaster's Conference is

the organisation to which

all the great independent schools of this

country belong, places like Eton and Harrow,

Winchester and Westminster.

The fee-paying schools.

The 'posh' schools that we

all look down our noses at,

and that we'd all send our children to

if only we'd got the money.

They don't usually let in headmasters of

common old garden comprehensive schools,

of schools like this one.

So, why you ask, why did they

let me in?

Well, I'll tell you why.

They let me in

because you and I,

all of us together,

have made Thomas Tompion one of

the best schools in the country.

Right then. But today...

But today is

an extra special occasion,

because today

today I take over as Chairman,

Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference,

and I shall be the first chairman

in the whole of history,

in the whole of history

who is headmaster of an ordinary, common

old garden state comprehensive school.

So it really is one for the

Guinness Book of Records!

Right then! So what am I going to

tell them in my speech this afternoon?

I'm going to tell them how

we did it!

I'm going to tell them how we all decided

that we wanted a well-run,

orderly school...

a school where we all knew what we were

supposed to be doing, Jimmy Picken,

a school where we all knew which room

we were supposed to be doing it in.

I'm not looking at you, Wendy Pilbrow,

or you, Gary Bottoms.

...and what we were supposed to be doing

it with, Debbie Jones.

And above all,

Clint Ailing and Dean Schreiber,

please note...

when we were supposed to be

doing it!

Right...

Hymn 122:

"He Who Would Valiant Be".

You're here again, Gayle?

What are you here for, Shaun?

Don't know. What are you here for?

Oh, I'm... I'm merely...

I'm just...

Hello, Mrs Stimpson.

Surprised to find you lined up

with the...

What have you been...?

What?

Did you over-cook the...?

Or were you late getting

him his...?

Go on, hit 'im in the face!

If you think 9:
20 outside

my study means

be back here at 9:20 every day

until you learn to tell the time!

I told you 9:
50; the train's

not till 10:
25.

What do you want?

Please sir, it's about

starting Greek, sir.

to the railway station.

What's 9:
20?

Executions, sir.

Executions. Mr Jolly?

I used to be like you.

Always late.

Oh yes, forever in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

I know what you mean, but I just

thought I ought to...

I thought I ought to

One or two things...

One or two problems...

One or two personal...

I was like some miserable child

wandering round the school,

with his calculator in one hand

and his gym shoes in the other,

and not the slightest idea

where he's supposed to be.

G3, Leroy!

I know the feeling.

We all go through it, John.

We all get lost.

I'm afraid I've got into...

Bed, John.

Oh no, no, no. Nothing like that!

Well...

Try getting out of it earlier

in the morning.

But the thing is this...

Because the first step to knowing who

we are, is knowing where we are,

and when we are!

I could drive you there.

The train doesn't go till 10:25.

You're ashamed of me,

aren't you?

You could go over to the hospital.

Don't tell me you're not allowed to take wives,

because if you're the chairman, you are.

I know that.

You could take some of your old

ladies out for a drive.

I don't have to come to the dinner

if that's what you're worrying about.

I could go out and get a

hamburger on my own.

This is a historic moment.

I stand before you today as

your new chairman.

I said I could go out and get a

hamburger in McDonald's.

Good, good. And did Paul get off

to school on time?

- Right. So you'll find somewhere to park...

- Park?

Make sure the train's running.

If it's not, you'll have to drive me there.

Platform 3,

Right, Norwich. We're on

time today, are we?

On the left.

Right...

On the left, governor.

Train on the left.

Glen Scully and Mandy Kostakis!

Yes!... Right.

Tomorrow then.

Right!

On the left, then.

Right.

- Right?

- Right.

This is a historic moment.

I stand before you today

as your new chairman,

something that few of us

ever expected to see happen

in our lifetime.

Something that few of us expected to see

in our lifetime.

This is the train for Norwich?

- Plymouth.

- Plymouth?

That was Norwich on the left.

Wait! Stop!

Right!

The 10:
25 to Norwich?

- You've missed it.

- It's on time? It is running?

It's run, it's gone, that's it.

That's alright then.

Gwenda!

Can't you tell the difference

between left and right?

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