Closet Monster

---

- And in we go. Boom! Boom!

And this goes like that.

OK, catch ya later.

See ya around.

- Can I have a dream?

- A dream? Absolutely not.

It's too late, buddy.

- Please! Please, please...

- Nope.

There's nothing I can do,

I'm off the clock.

Get a union guy.

Alright, alright, big sulk.

I'll give you a dream.

Here we go.

Ready?

- Yeah.

- Um...

So it's a full moon,

and a gang of vampires

are stalking throughout

the graveyard,

and all you have

is a little wooden stake.

It's gonna be super dangerous.

It's gonna be super scary.

But not, like, so scary

that you come and you wake up

mom and dad.

And you're gonna be surrounded

by sexy ladies.

You ready?

- Yeah.

- Tell me how it is.

- Go on.

- Oscar, your father and I have

something to tell you.

- "Your father"? No.

Don't say your father.

Your father has nothing to do with this.

- You said we could do it now.

- Yeah, I said give him

the hamster now. Don't

tell him that and then

take it away from him.

- Peter.

- Your mother's leaving us.

- Peter, don't confuse him.

We need to be honest.

I'm being more honest

with him than you are.

Skeet, I'm not leaving you!

- It's OK.

- It's OK...

- What's wrong?

I'm scared.

- What're you scared of?

- They are so loud.

I don't want to have to move.

- What're you doing?

- Sometimes, when I feel

threatened,

I gather comfort food and store

it in my cheek pouches.

This way, no matter

where I wake up,

I don't have to go out

and find food.

It's already there.

Already in my mouth.

Are you OK?

- I'm scared too.

- Would you like a pellet?

How about some company?

- Skeet, let go.

Please?

Just...

I'm not leaving you, OK?

You'll be with me

every second week.

I'm sorry.

- Hey.

Hey, hey, come here.

Come here. Look, look, it's OK.

It's OK. We're going

to be good.

What's your name?

- Um... How about... Buffy?

Ooh! Ow!

Where are you taking me?

- It's totally true.

I swear to god.

Hey, buddy, what's that

on your nails?

- Anna...

- What?

- Oh. my God, see?

- Leave him alone. - What?

- Well, when boys check

their nails they're

supposed to hold their

hand in a claw, like this.

But if you check your

nails from behind it

means you're probably

gonna grow up to be gay.

- Jesus, Anna!

- What? It's not a big deal.

GIVE IT BACK!

What do you got

there, buddy? What is that?

Boys, he's got a diary!

- Look, Buffy. I think he needs our help.

- Leave me alone!

- Where are you going?

- Leave me alone!

- We want to talk to you!

Just be cool, alright?

- F***...

F*** you!

Back off!

Don't touch me,

I will f***ing hurt you.

STOP IT!

Come on, harder, harder!

He's crying!

- Do something.

- Help him.

- Come on, let's go!

- Let's go!

Cloudy and wet drizzle

all the way across the island...

Nothing too surprising, there.-

A 16-year-old student

has been violently assaulted

behind Bishop Fleming School.

RCMP are reporting that

the hate-crime victim

is paralyzed

from the waist down.

Police are asking anyone within

more information to please

contact Crime Stoppers. I'm

Lisa Wiseman, reporting for...

- Why did they do that to him?

- Hmm? Do what?

- Put a metal rod up his bum.

- What? Jesus!

Where did you hear that?

Uh...

Oof...

Well, he's gay.

That's why I keep telling ya,

you gotta get rid of

this hair, buddy.

You can do it, buddy!

Don't be a wimp!

- Hey, are you gonna

finish this or what?

If we don't make it to fourth

period I'm not going at all.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks for asking.

- How many more of these

do I have to do?

- Just one more.

- Oh, thank God!

If I have to wash any more

glycerin out of my bra,

you are the one that's going

to be cleaning it.

- Almost done.

Just have to set it.

Close your eyes.

You too.

- Don't tell me what to do!

- Big breath!

- Mm...

Ugh!

- It's good. Just let me get

my camera, then we should go.

- Oh, yeah right.

I'm not the only one going

to school looking like this.

- Embarrassing number

of unsolicited

nude photos sent between

students at our school.

We understand that adolescence

is a very fertile time,

so today we're going to discuss

some traditional methods

of showing affection.

- And back... Head back

a little bit more? There we go.

Yeah, that's good.

Play with your hair.

- Like that?

- But...

A little more sexy.

- What?

A little more sexy?

- A little...

- OK, I'm trying! Jesus. OK.

- Should I lose a button?

- No, no, no.

I think we got it.

- Oh yeah? Can I see?

Mm-hmm. So hot.

- Oh... I'm such a slut. Ah!

Oh! Oh, I almost forgot;

I found us a shithole apartment

in Brooklyn

that's almost

in our price range.

- Oh, that's... That's awesome.

- Yeah.

- Is that a garbage chute?

- Oh, no... that's a bedroom.

- Oh, OK. Weird.

- Sorry, I don't know why...

- I know we're like...

- No, it's OK. I'm...

Here, uh...

Come on over and I can

take those off.

Peter!

- Oh hey, Gem, I didn't

see you there.

- Gonna bake

and make your dinner

Could be your cook

You can bring me

home my bacon

Chop the wood

Steal my bed

and steal my heart

Whatever it takes

to get you up

I'm your b*tch

You're my b*tch

Boom, boom

In my thoughts

And in my soul

Always be in your control

I'm your b*tch

You're my b*tch

Boom, boom

- Customers are confused,

disoriented,

weak-willed, so all you

have to say is,

"That's a nice one."

Just say it with me.

That's a nice one.

- Do one by yourself.

- That's a nice one.

- Yeah.

You're going to have

to work on that.

OK. So, the second one

is a little bit trickier.

Whatever it is they're holding,

observe the merchandise

and then try to find

some kind of

positive statement

to say about it,

like, "That looks like

a very cooling fan,"

or, "That'll really"

compliment your

crown mouldings."

Get it?

- Yeah, I think I get it.

- Good. OK,

let's have a go.

- That's a nice one.

It has really

good... um, pressure.

- What's the difference

between the two?

- That's... a nice one.

- F***...

Hey, can I borrow your shirt?

I forgot mine.

- It might be kind of

sweaty now.

- Do you perspire a lot?

- Not... Not a lot,

I mean, I've just been

moving boxes all day,

so probably more than usual...

- That's alright...

- I've worn much worse.

- Yeah. Go ahead.

- Thanks.

- I'm Oscar.

- Me too.

Ooh, don't look down,

don't look down, don't

look down, don't look down...

- Oscar, listen, I know what

happened last time,

but I really think

it would be a good idea

for me to give the traveling

plastic ball another shot.

- What is that?

- What is what?

- There is something

different about you.

- Nothing different about me.

- Oh, it's, um, an energy thing.

You look, um...

happier.

- I am not happy.

- Oh, my God, Oscar!

You are in love!

You've been watching

too many soap operas!

Who is it

and when can I meet them?

- I'm not in love, you're insane.

- You can't lie to me, Oscar.

I'm your spirit animal.

- What are you doing?

What are you... Oh!

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