Closet Monster Page #2

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- Hey. Um, so...

- Oh, amazing, thank you!

- I mean, I don't know...

I can do whatever you want, I

didn't know what you want...

- No this is perfect for my

final shoot with Gemma.

- Yeah?

When does your dear old dad

get to take a look-see?

- Not yet, I have to finish the

branding for the application first.

- OK, alright...

Don't poke your eye out.

And hey! Clean that cage!

- Oh, Oscar, can you

do me a favour?

- Depends...

- Could you please build me one

of these elevators for my cage?

- Are you trying to escape too?

- The fear factor excites me.

- Mm-hmm.

- Stop!

What are you doing?

- I'm cleaning your cage.

- I can clean it myself.

I'm not a child.

- OK, your highness.

- Did you remember your camera?

OK, good. Oh, can you do

my headshot

before you cover me in goo?

I want to look

somewhat presentable.

- You can try.

- So who's Yves Saint Laurent

over there?

- Oh he's, um,

some guy from work,

I think his name's Wilder. Heard

he moved here for the summer.

- Oh, figures. Couldn't be from

around here with that jawline.

What's his background?

- How am I supposed to know? I

don't know anything about him.

- Thanks for the shirt.

Hi.

- Uh...

He had to borrow my shirt.

- Oh.

Ohh...

- Just turn a little...

- Like this? Yeah.

That?

- You're slaying a sea monster.

- I hate you!

- A sea monster is going to jump

out of that water and you have to kill it!

- Out of that water?

- That's your motivation.

- Like that?

- Yeah... Yes, perfect.

- So is he into you?

- I don't think so.

- I dunno, there was something

about the way that

he was looking at you...

- He was wearing sunglasses.

- You know you should try being

more aloof. I feel like

you're always just

a little bit too eager

when you first meet someone.

It's kind of a turn off.

- F*** you.

- Just trying to help.

- Oh yeah, camera loves you.

Thanks for doing this.

- Just don't forget me

when you're famous.

So when do you find out about New York?

- Uh, sometime in the next

couple of months I guess?

- OK, good, because

my dad just put down first

and last month's rent

on that flea-bag Brooklyn apartment last

night, and the garbage chute is yours

if you want it.

- F*** you! No way, that's awesome!

Roommates. Wow.

Do you think you're going to be able to

stop yourself from making out with me?

F*** you! NO! No!

No! No more! No more!

No more. No more.

OK, one more.

What did you get

on your last math test?

100? -:
Yeah, but it was

just a multiplication test.

- Wow!

- That should go on the fridge.

- Yeah, for sure.

I don't think I ever

got 100 on a math test.

- I'm 18. I don't need

to be tucked in.

- I wasn't gonna ask, but, um...

- This may seem a bit weird;

do you remember

that fur hat I used to wear

when you were a kid?

- Nope.

- Well, your father says

he couldn't find it

but I know it's there.

It would mean a lot to have it

back. It was Nan's.

I'm sorry. Never mind.

Good night, Skeet.

- Later, klepto.

- Right in...

There we go.

Ugh...

Jesus Christ!

- Come here. Come here,

you little f***er.

OK...

Mm...

- Hey...

- I want you.

- What?

Your charming, lovable,

handsome father...

- I think someone wants you. -...is waiting

for you at the front of the store.

Oscar Madly please come to the

front of the store. Oscar Madly.

- Oh, my God.

- Oscar! Oscar!

Have you seen Oscar? There he

is. Let's go, let's go!

What do you want?

What? I've been waiting

outside for half an hour!

I told you I was off at 8:00.

Well, I can't pick you up at 8:00.

I have a date.

- How was I supposed

to know that?

- Because we talked about it.

I told you last night!

- No, you didn't.

- You're going to find

your own way home.

- Fine!

- What do I have to do

To make you forgive me

I wouldn't even

tell the world

If you could hear I'm sorry

- Honey, can you pass me the...

- What the...

- WHOA!

- Oh, my God!

Oscar! Sorry. I thought, uh...

I kind of thought

your walk home would

take a little bit longer.

- Do you mind?

- Oh, um...

This is your new mom.

It's not. I'm joking. This is Christine.

- Hi, honey.

- Excuse me, I didn't know

you were having a rave.

- What'd he see?

Is your, uh,

your mom still dating that queer?

- Larry?

Yeah, they're engaged.

- I know stuff about him that'd

make your hair curl.

- He's a nice guy.

- Mm...

I bet he's super nice...

Hey, I'm sorry you two

met like that.

Christine here, she's even

sweeter with her clothes on.

- I feel so bad. That must

have been quite the sight!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You gotta try these, man.

Come here.

- No thanks.

- Hmm?

No. She made them.

- It's OK. They're a bit overdone anyway.

I'm just not hungry.

Hey, stop being rude.

Didn't you learn any manners?

- Am I embarrassing you?

- Are you embarrassing me? No.

But, uh, you're embarrassing

yourself a little bit.

- How long can you keep

this act up?

How long before you show up

at her work screaming

at the top of your lungs

like a F***ING CHILD?

- I should go.

- I'm sorry. It's just a little bit sad.

- Let me save you some time.

He's possessive, has the temper

of a child and is bat sh*t crazy.

There he is.

- Wow, where did that come from?

So f***ing pathetic.

I can't believe

we share the same genes.

- Well you know, I was born

in a factory farm

to an overweight rodent

who tried to eat me.

It doesn't mean my life

can't be different.

- Oscar?

I'm really sorry.

I had a really hard week, OK?

I didn't mean to take it

out on you.

- What are you gonna do with

all mom's junk in my closet?

- Huh? What? What are

you talking about?

- Why don't you just give it back to her?

There's no room for any of my sh*t.

- Well, because it actually

doesn't belong to her.

See, when a couple

gets divorced,

they have to split everything.

Possessions and assets and,

you know, kids, equally.

She took her half.

So technically, like...

Technically, those clothes are

mine. It's very complicated.

You'll understand when you

get divorced someday.

- So what are you going

to do with them?

- Nothing.

- OK.

- Oh! Uh, excuse me?

Sorry...

- What do you want?

- Uh, we're looking for

front doors for our new house.

- We just got married.

- How long are you looking

for it to last?

Uh... forever?

Oh, no, none of these are

built to last that long.

Locks break down. Some wear

and tear on the hinges.

I'd give that one six,

seven years, tops.

- OK...

Thanks.

- Well, that's a nice one.

- Oh, thank God!

It smells awful in here.

We need to get you

some deodorant.

Wait, what, what, what are you

doing? Don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't!

Argh! No!

Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!

I can't breathe. Let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

- Hey, how much for a blow job?

So, who's your hostage?

- It's my hamster.

- Really?

I thought hamsters were only for

fat girls and Asian kids.

- Um... I spent the weekend

at my mom's,

so I'm just, uh, bringing

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