Club Paradise Page #8

Sol, what's going on?

I wake up this morning,

no coffee, no waiters...

no phone, no mail,

no electricity, no nothing.

You've got a general strike here.

I will crush Ernest Reed.

Okay. Don't bust a blood vessel.

You want a stroke? A stroke is this.

You think that's a good look?

Now you gotta slow down

and figure this out.

Now, go after Reed if you have to.

But first, settle this strike.

Raise the minimum wage to $1 a day.

Sure, it's only fair.

$1 a day. Give a man some dignity,

for crying out loud.

But do something, Sol. I've got 150 pounds

of lobster melting in my freezer.

I will eat his bones.

Where is everything?

Where's the eggs, and the bacon,

and all the other stuff that's usually here?

And, Randy, where's my bran?

You know, I can't start a day without fiber.

We're not feeding that pirate $100 a day

for Rice Krispies and a banana.

Have you seen any of the staff?

We have no towels, nor any toilet paper.

- Well, why don't you call housekeeping?

- We have no phone.

Good morning! Anybody hungry?

Is anybody crazy? Where's breakfast?

Well, today we got something special.

Breakfast Jump-Up.

And what is Breakfast Jump-Up?

Well, it's when you jump up

and make your own breakfast.

I'm alive!

I'm alive! I made it! I'm alive!

I made it.

Okay. Stay cool. Stay cool.

Stay cool.

Got to figure out where I am. Figure...

Figure 16, 18 hours out there, maybe.

Figure 10 miles an hour or knots.

Allow for the Gulf Stream

and a headwind, that would put me...

I have no idea. I don't know where I am.

What am I, a captain?

Stay cool. Stay cool.

Got to think clear now.

First thing I got to do, build a house.

People of Saint Nicholas!

Today is a day that will live in infamosity.

A day that Ernest Reed...

and his subversive American comrade,

Jack Moniker...

are threatening the peace

and prosperity of this...

our ancestral, if not native, home!

I, therefore, declare...

a national state of emergency.

I impose martial law.

And I order...

all members of the...

National Defense Reserve Army Guard...

to report immediately for active duty.

- Excuse me. I have a phone call to make.

- Don't you go starting any wild rumors.

Let me start them.

I wouldn't even call it a revolution.

What is it? A bunch of farmers

with rakes and shovels.

We're not gonna get an ulcer over this.

That's what I like

about the Cayman lslands.

You want to do business, that's the place.

The three of us could do

some real damage in the Caymans.

Would you cancel that last call

and transfer it to the Cayman lslands?

Good gracious, it's the fireman.

I thought you'd gone.

People are so quick to flee these days.

First hint of a war and they start

running like frightened children.

I was certain you'd be back

in Minnesota, or Dakota, or whatever it is.

I can't leave here, Your Grace.

I'm supporting thousands of mosquitoes.

This is paradise.

You can keep looking for paradise,

but I don't think you'll find it in this world.

What's your idea of paradise?

When I think of paradise, I picture myself

in an expensive hotel suite in New York...

with two hopelessly depraved

young women.

I'd love to join you, but I gotta get back

to the club. See, I'm expecting an army.

Still the bold fireman?

You're the same all over the world.

You like to drive fast,

throw water on things, and leave a mess.

Yeah, and what about you? You've been

hanging out here for 15 years...

drinking tea off a lace doily, saying,

"lt doesn't matter."

It does matter, pal, because your

Prime Minister's gone completely nuts.

And I got a partner down there

about to start a revolution...

and a lot of innocent people will be hurt

unless you and I do something real fast.

'Cause it won't just stop there,

'cause if this island goes up...

then tomorrow another one,

and another one...

then the Americans get nervous,

and the Russians get scared.

Then some old fart gets really worried,

pushes the button.

Hey! There goes Cleveland

in a blinding white flash.

I got an uncle, Sid, who lives in Cleveland,

makes this noise...

I don't want that on my conscience. Okay?

Right!

You and Ernest go off and start the war.

I'll be there shortly with a nuclear weapon.

- On our side?

- Of course.

Oh, be careful of the soldiers.

They'll shoot you on sight.

Well, I'll take an umbrella. Your Grace.

You're safe. But you gotta go away.

Hey, what kind of welcome is that?

- But what are you doing back here?

- I've gotta put out a fire.

Come on.

Morning, everyone.

One brief announcement.

I'd like you

to gather all your possessions...

and meet me on the beach in five minutes.

No need to panic,

it's just in case there's a civil war today.

- Civil war?

- Civil war?

Rebels!

No, come on now, they're not rebels.

Just a local ROTC drill team.

You and your people

had better get out of here, man.

You're my people.

Phillipa is my people.

Why don't we all get out of here?

- There's no other way.

- What about a live, televised debate?

We have no TV, man.

Oh, yeah, rattan's gonna make

a great bulletproof barricade.

- Why don't you just build a wicker tank?

- The chairs you can grab.

Wait, wait. Stop right there.

I'm going to get this. Hold on.

Wait a minute.

Hold it right there. Don't move.

- Move it! Get your asses...

- Wait. Wait a second.

Hold it right there. Perfect.

- Barry!

- Barry! I scored!

Nice outfit.

Where'd you get this?

You didn't bring this with.

No, I just got it.

- Is it cotton?

- Hopsack.

- See, that's cool for this climate.

- Yeah.

Let's go.

Hold it there, Mr. Gundy.

I got you covered. You're on my property.

One more move and I'll shoot.

Hold it right there, Mr. Island Jack.

I want to know what the hell's going on,

and I want to know right now.

Listen, buddy, I'm trying to stop a war,

okay? Give me a break.

Right on.

- Fire!

- I hear you.

Limbo time. How low can you go?

Go, go, go!

Where you going?

Sh*t!

What is this?

Up, you fools. Please, just get up! Up! Up!

Onward, troops!

Go on! Just go on and go! Get them!

Surrender, Ernest Reed...

and you will all be released unharmed.

He's not here!

Kill them all!

No prisoners!

I don't want to die, Randy!

I don't want to die...

- Shut up.

- Okay.

Look! Look, man!

Oh, Your Grace.

Mr. Gundy...

as the official representative of

her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II...

I order you to withdraw at once,

or I shall be forced to shoot you...

between the eyes

with a rather large bullet.

Draw, Sir Anthony?

Never.

Soldiers, I order you

to disperse that crowd at once.

If they don't move, shoot them.

They shoot, you die.

You know...

it's amazing how people

can get themselves in these situations...

when, if you stop and think about it...

you'll see that, basically, you guys

are not that far apart on this thing.

Now, Sol...

May I call you Sol?

I know this high finance thing

may look good to you now...

but I know how these guys operate.

A year from now, your little Swiss

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