Cluny Brown Page #2

Where is anybody's place?

I'll tell you where it is.

Wherever you're happy, that's your place.

And happiness is a matter of purely personal

adjustment to your environment.

You're the sole judge.

In Hyde Park, for instance.

Some people like to feed nuts to the squirrels.

But if it makes you happy

to feed squirrels to the nuts,

who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?

- Do you mind saying that all over again?

- In Hyde Park...

Look, I beg you...

(WATER GURGLING)

Oh, what a wonderful day

this has been for me.

My first sink and my first cocktail.

Martini cocktail.

With an olive.

- Thank you. You've been so understanding.

- Have some more.

- Should she?

- Definitely.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Mmm.

I feel lovely.

I can't quite describe it. I... I feel chirrupy.

Chirrupy? I don't ever recall feeling chirrupy.

I'm afraid you never will, my dear Ames.

There isn't a chirrup in you.

Isn't it funny? Now I feel entirely different.

I know what it is. I know.

Uh-huh. Ah, it's coming over me.

That Persian cat feeling.

Meow.

Meow.

What's a Persian cat feeling?

(CLUNY PURRING AND MURMURING)

- I'm sorry, but it's getting late.

- It's never too late for a cat.

You're lying there in bed reading

that wonderful travelogue in the Daily Mail

and wanting to go places

and wondering if you ever will.

And all of a sudden, you're a cat

and you start to climb

and you leap out of the window into the fog.

Then suddenly the fog lifts,

and it isn't London, it's Baghdad.

Next week, I'll be in Cairo.

Oh, it's so wonderful to be a cat

and read the Daily Mail.

Look, I implore you...

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Good heavens, there they are now. Please...

- Yes?

- I'm the...

(CLUNY MEOWING)

Oh, I feel so wonderful.

So free.

- Cluny Brown, what are you doing here?

- Uncle Arn!

What does this mean?

What are you doing on that there couch?

I've been plumbing, Uncle Arn. Just plumbing.

Cluny Brown, has something happened

I ought to know about?

- I don't think so.

- Lucky I found the address wrote down

or I might never have looked you

in the face again.

- I assure you, Uncle Arn...

- Name's Porritt! Mr Porritt!

Liquor, too! Giving strong drink

to a young girl, that beats all!

I've half a mind...

- You haven't met Mr Ames, the host.

- I've no wish to meet the individual.

Oh but, Uncle Arn, these gentlemen

have been so nice to me.

There you go again, taken advantage of.

You don't know your place.

Get your things here.

You never will know your place.

But, Uncle Arn, what is my place?

What's anybody's place? What's your place?

If you want to feed nuts to the squirrels,

who am I to say... do you?

That settles it.

You're going into service, you are.

You're going to be a domestic

in a decent home. Come along.

Oh, by the way, I haven't paid you yet.

Will this do?

You can't buy me off

with your filthy pound note.

- Come, Cluny Brown.

- Thank you, gentlemen, for everything.

A British subject calling

a symbol of the empire filthy.

Permit me.

Filthy? I differ with him emphatically, Ames.

When the lower classes

start throwing away pound notes,

the upper classes better look out.

I dare say.

# Perhaps you wonder who I am

or maybe you don't care

# But I spend a great part of my time

on the fringes of Mayfair

# I'm never asked to parties

but I go to them just the same #

- Why do people go to cocktail parties?

- Because people give cocktail parties.

- Why do people give them?

- Because people go to them.

It's a vicious circle. Like perpetual motion.

Oh, it's depressing.

Parties and people laughing,

with Europe on the brink.

Yes. Hitler and Vienna and Prague,

and people go around having fun.

Oh, I'm so tired of hearing Hitler

and Mussolini and...

Betty, I'm surprised!

You talk like a superficial girl who thinks

of nothing but her pink-and-white complexion.

You seemed to like it

till Hitler came between us.

- Why, I still do.

- Oh, intensely, Betty.

But you must realise

we're on the verge of a war.

Well, then stop talking

and do something about it.

- I have. I've written a letter to The Times.

- Well then, there's nothing to worry about.

- Are you having a good time, Miss Cream?

- Marvellous, thank you.

Oh, Miss Cream, you know,

when I first saw you, I said to Archie,

"There's Miss Betty Cream," and then I said,

"No, that can't be Miss Betty Cream."

But after all, there's only

one Betty Cream, isn't there?

Everyone makes such an absurd fuss

over her. She's simply unbearable.

- The worst manners of any girl I know.

- She's cold, conceited and callous.

- Two martinis, please.

- Yes, sir.

- Have you, uh, asked her to marry you lately?

- Day before yesterday.

- What'd she say?

- She said no, as usual.

She doesn't stop to think.

She hasn't any brains.

If she turned me down once,

I don't think I could ever ask her again.

- I don't think she ever will get married.

- Perhaps she doesn't want to.

What else can she do?

What's going to become of her?

She has no talent.

- She has beauty.

- Well, beauty doesn't mean much.

It helps.

Perhaps.

If you ask me, I feel sorry for the girl.

I think she'll go on and on having a good time

and wind up as one of those hackish females

- who get up charity balls.

- What a pity.

Well, I've made up my mind.

I shall ask her once or twice more,

then I shall wash my hands of her.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

(SNORING)

- I've found something interesting. A man.

- The place is full of men.

But this one's in bed. Come and have a look.

(SHUSHING)

There he is.

(SNORING)

- No wonder he's in bed. He's squiffed.

- Good heavens!

- What's the matter?

- What is it?

- It's Belinski.

- Not Adam Belinski.

Yes. Adam Belinski.

- Is he a gangster?

- Don't be an idiot, Betty. He's a Czech.

- He's a great man. He's famous.

- Well, whatever for?

He's a writer. Professor at Prague.

One of Hitler's worst enemies.

That's why the Nazis are after him.

He's probably just one jump ahead

of them now. I wonder how he got to London.

- On the underground, no doubt.

- What a man.

He looks exactly like his pictures.

Better, in fact. Nobler. Much nobler.

- More serene.

- But he snores.

What difference does it make?

He's a great liberal.

For that matter, I snore myself.

So do I.

Well, I don't

and I'm as liberal as either of you.

(SNORING)

- Hello.

- Hello.

We, uh... We know who you are.

You can trust us. I'm Andrew Carmel.

- I'm John Frewen.

- How do you do?

I'm Elizabeth Cream.

I know. You are honourable

and you don't go everywhere.

- We don't mean to pry, but you are in trouble.

- Arert you, Professor?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact.

Unless a miracle happens,

I'm a man without a home.

Oh, that beast. That terrible beast, Hitler!

I wonder if I've made myself clear.

Perfectly. But the time for talk is past.

We must do something.

Yes. What can we do about him?

Gentlemen, I'm afraid you are

a little confused.

Oh, yes, yes, we know we are.

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