Cockneys Vs Zombies

[ Subtopian ]

Davvers! Davvers! Stop! Cut it!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

What is it? Roman stuff?

Can't be Roman. They didn't have kings.

They had emperors and sh*t.

My mate was on a site last year,

said they found a load of Roman

coins that was worth tons.

It's not f***ing Roman, you muppet!

It might have other stuff.

- Yeah, like what?

- Gold and stuff.

Ugh... Stinks down here.

- [FARTS] Does now.

- Argh... Davvers!

- Whoa...

- Bloody hell.

It's a graveyard.

It's a plague pit, more like!

We can't nick stuff from a graveyard.

- Can we?

- I don't care.

They dead already, ain't they?

What was that?

Probably just wind or summat.

Jesus! Don't do that!

That was classic. Your face...

We better go...

tell the boss what we found.

What? What's the matter?

You scared of a few skeletons?

Wooah! Wooo! I'm a ghost. Wooooo!

God, you're such a pansy!

Piss off!

- Um, be... behind ja...

- Yeah, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Like I'm gonna fall for that one.

- No, seriously. Mate! Behind ja!

Get it off me!

[ Subtopian ]

- You paid cash?

- Yeah

Used a false name?

Yes, just like you said.

Where the f*** did you get it, mate?

A bomb site?

Why can't we use our car anyway?

'Cause they'll trace it

back to us, won't they?

This is clean.

If this even starts at all.

Have you tried it?

No.

Okay, Andy, two problems here, uh...

One, it doesn't start.

And two, there's a dirty,

filthy, cummy sock... in there.

Say, let's see what happens.

Oh, yeah!

Come on, let's go and magic

us a full breakfast, yeah?

Look, I'm just saying,

I don't want the van to conk out on us

in the middle of a job, that's all.

B-elax, we'll be fine.

Yeah, you say that 'cause

you're a jammy git.

If you fell off that

building right there,

and landed into a thin

bull full of sh*t,

you'd come out smelling of roses,

with frayed birds on your arms.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a gay Jamaican.

That's talent, ace.

A talent for getting us into trouble.

When have I ever got us into trouble?

Yeah, I'll take you all on! And so will

my f***ing brother! You dirty pikeys!

You do not want to mess with

me and my f***ing brother!

- F***ing what?!

- Terry!

Yeah, well, they were asking for it.

I had to stick up for meself.

Look, all I'm saying is that you've

got to be really careful about...

Jesus Christ!

- All right, Mickey?

- Hello, mate.

Why wouldn't I be all right, huh?

You saying I'm some sorta

nut roll or something?

No... just saying...

- He's joking.

- Your face...

So, we still on for 2 o'clock or what?

Yeah, that we are.

We are still on for 2 o'clock.

I mean, you've heard what happens

when people mess me about.

F***ing mug! You... f***ing mug!...

We heard about that, yeah, yeah.

Good.

So, don't mess me about.

Beautiful motor this is, gents.

Oh, cheers, mate, yeah.

It's a nice one, yeah, yeah...

Top of the range, this is, right? Yeah.

RIGHT!

Be lucky, yeah?

Right.

He's just dented my

f***ing car with his head.

He's got a steel plate in there.

Iraq war injury.

Buried in there to remove part

of his brain or something.

The part that stops him from

being a f***ing psychopath.

"Be lucky".

Mate, he's the man for the job.

- Yeah, you sure?

- He's the man.

Eddie, I told you not to call

this number. It'll leave a record.

They're on to us.

I'll need to move the cash.

Can you get it ready?

I'll send someone over to pick it up.

What? All of it?

But there's two and a ha...

Listen! They're sending send inspectors.

I want all that away.

You have the forms ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Davvers! Greg! Got a job for ya!

Davvers! Greg!

Where are you, you pair of tits?

Oi! Get the f*** out of it!

You two-bob toe rags.

I told you! You come 'round here again,

I'm gonna slap a sh*t out of ya!

Well, now it's time to pay the piper.

Hey, listen, old man.

You behave yourself,

before me and my boys f***

you up, ja understand?

Leave it out, Ray.

You're driving away all my customers!

You're supposed to take your pills!

Not sell up to these mugs!

Well, I've got to earn a crust, don't I?

Here you are, lads, gather 'round.

I've got it in here, look.

I've got sleeping pills...

Here they are, slower than the army!

All right, granddad?

Don't call me granddad!

I have told you, it makes me sound old!

But you're old.

Yes? How's that for old, eh?

You're late again! The Macguire

genes must have passed youse two by.

Your mum and dad will be spinning in

their graves! God rest their souls.

Yeah, they were cremated though,

weren't they, granddad?

Don't give me none of your back-sass!

All right.

Now, come on! There's people in

there waiting for their dinners!

All right.

- Hello...

- All right, how're you doing?

It's high time youse

two got a proper job.

This is a proper job.

When I was 15, I lied about my age,

so's I could sign up,

and fight the f***in' Nazis.

Argh! I've heard of you Nazi mugs!

Let's f***ing have it!

What are youse two fighting? Traffic?

We do okay.

Okay? Let me mark your card, sunshine.

Delivering 'Meals on Wheels' to old-age

pensioners ain't a lifetime profession.

Look atcha! You're about as much use,

as an ashtray on a motorbike!

Leave 'em alone, Ray! They're doing

the best they can. Aren't you, boys?

Yes, Doreen.

Um, I was wondering,

my window, the catch keeps slipping,

and I was wondering if one of you

big, strong boys could come and...

ooh... force it open?

I think Andy is big and strong. He's up

for fixing a window, aren't you, Andy?

Oh, Andy. Dinnae one do without cha?

Oh... See you later.

See you later, Doreen. Say "bye," Andy.

Bye, Doreen.

- Yeah, mate, mate,

- Mate, mate, mate...

you're gonna get lucky today,

I tell you what.

Bit of experience might that be...

Every time. Every f***ing time.

I know you're gonna be knocking

this place down in a few weeks time,

but do you feel the need to rub it in?

There's people here about to have

their dinner. You yuppie twat!

Look, I really need to get

these measurements, okay?

If you don't sling your

hook in 5 seconds time,

I'm gonna ram that f***ing

clipboard so far up your "Aries",

you're gonna have to shove your

pen up your nose to write on it!

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

- All right... All right! All right!

There you go.

All right, Ray?

Is it okay if I sit with you?

You sit where you like, sweetheart.

So, where they sending you

when this place closes?

Oh, some place up north.

Bradford, I suppose.

Somewhere full of northern monkeys.

- It's nice up north.

- I wouldn't know.

I've never been further north

than Walthamstow dog track,

and that's far enough for me.

Do you want this one,

or do you want that one?

Oh, you take that one.

You help yourself.

Are you going to the concert today?

What else am I gonna

do while I'm in here?

Sit around, waiting for the

Grim Reaper to come, and...

put us all out of our misery?

Got any fillet steak?

Just what you see, mate.

Mate? Are you being disrespectful, son?

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