Coffee and Cigarettes Page #6

"Stick to the rule."

It's more of a philosophy than a rule.

I've not given my number out

to many eminent people in the past.

I once didn't give my number

to Sam Mendes.

So you're in good company.

If it's good enough for Sam Mendes,

it's good enough for me.

- I think it's me.

- Right, because mine doesn't work.

I'm sorry, I got to take this. I'll get back.

Hello?

Yeah, sure.

Spike, hi. How you doing?

You got the message.

My agent just called you just to make sure

we're all on the same page.

No, the producer credit is just so you and I

can sort of keep tabs on everything.

You know, artistic integrity,

that sort of thing.

Otherwise the whole thing

could just run away.

You bastard, no.

All right.

You still okay for Sunday? Good. All right.

Will I meet you there?

All right. Nice and early.

Okay, yeah. Lots of love. Bye, Spike.

- I'm sorry about that.

- It's okay, fine.

Was that Spike Lee?

No. I don't even know Spike Lee.

That was Spike Jonze.

- I love him.

- Yeah, he's a good man.

We've been friends for a long time now.

We're both keen hikers.

- Well, it's very boring.

- No, go on.

We belong to a club,

and we go hiking at weekends.

He's a very committed environmentalist.

Spike Jonze is a tree-hugger.

Jesus, I never had him down as that.

I think he prefers the term "leaf people"...

as do I.

Right, I mean, that's...

Don't get me wrong. That's great.

I love trees.

I think there should be more of them.

When I use paper, I use both sides.

I would love to...

You know, I'm going to tear up...

that stupid rule about phone numbers.

It's such sh*t.

Would it be shabby of me

to give you my number now?

Yeah.

I've got to go. I'm so sorry.

- I'll get the check.

- Good.

F***.

Damn RZA. Where the f*** you at?

- Yo, peace.

- Bobby.

- Pardon me for being late.

- Ain't nothing.

- I was about to hit you on the horn.

- I had a f***ing emergency house call, yo.

- A house call?

- Yeah, a house call.

Sophia and Sifu's children got sick

with the flu and the virus.

So I went by,

prescribed some herbal medicines for them.

I told them, lay off the dairy products,

chill on the citric acid...

and they should feel a little better.

- So you a doctor now, or something?

- Yeah, I told you.

I've been studying alternative medicine

for two years now, son.

I mean, ancient healing techniques,

and all that.

Check this.

I even know a certain surgical procedure

that I can perform using a drill-gun.

Electric drill-gun.

I'm dead serious.

But my hands are nice from being a DJ,

you know what I mean?

To me, music and medicine, all go together.

It's like two planets

revolving around the same sun.

So bong-bong.

- Want some tea?

- Yeah, splash me.

It's all herbals, man. No caffeine.

That's what I'm talking about. No caffeine.

Caffeine is ridiculous right now, man.

Tell me about it.

Caffeine leads to depression...

makes you all irritable,

have your heart beating fast.

Faster heart rate, you know what I mean?

And worse than anything,

you drink that coffee, it gives you the shits.

You know what I mean?

So I try to stay away from that.

- I'm off that sh*t, anyway.

- Crisp and clean. No caffeine.

- To Liquid Swords, family.

- No, to Bobby Digital.

- Wu-Tang forever.

- Wu-Tang forever.

Anybody need more coffee?

- Kitchen's closing.

- No, we don't mess with caffeine.

- You don't?

- No, I don't.

Don't you know caffeine

can cause serious delirium?

- Delirium?

- Serious delirium.

Now you tell me.

Well, that may be my problem, delirium.

Aren't you Bill Murray, man?

- You're Bill Murray?

- Yeah, I'm Bill Murray...

but let's keep that just between us, all right?

Just between us.

And you guys are related?

Yeah, we're cousins. We're family.

No, you're messing with me

because you're both troublemakers.

- Troublemakers?

- The Wu-Tang Clan.

Right, Wu-Tang Clan.

- You're GZA, the genius.

- That's right.

- And you're RZA...

- A.k. A...

- Bobby Digital.

- Yeah, he knows hip-hop.

And you're Bill Murray.

Bill "Groundhog Day,

Ghostbusting ass" Murray.

- "Who ya gonna call?"

- I know that. Just don't tell anybody.

What you mean, don't tell anybody,

Bill Murray?

People will come here, they'll see you.

You're Bill Murray. It's obvious.

Unless you're wearing a disguise

or something.

I am wearing kind of a disguise.

Damn, that's harsh, money.

- You're a real caffeine junkie, aren't you?

- Keep it down. Just between us.

Here, cheers.

You know, before I gave that up...

I used to drink it every single night...

up until it was time to go to sleep.

Used to make me dream faster.

You know, like when they flash

those cameras on those Indy 500 cars...

and they just...

That's how my dreams were.

Just whizzing by.

- You're stupid, yo.

- He is stupid, isn't he?

Word, yo.

I know a guy who freezes coffee.

Puts sticks in it,

has himself a coffee Popsicle.

A caf pop.

Damn. That don't sound too good,

Bill Murray.

It's not the flu or anything.

It's just a smoker's cough.

That's what I'm saying, nicotine interferes

with your central nervous system...

your respiratorial system.

In very small doses, it causes paralysis.

- Really?

- Yeah, really, man.

I mean, just 50 mg alone...

have been proven to be fatal

in a few minutes.

- How much is in one cigarette?

- 3 mg.

And did you know

they also use nicotine for insecticide...

- to kill bugs?

- It's good if it kills bugs, right?

Are you a bug, Bill Murray?

- Jesus, RZA, you sound like my doctor.

- He is a doctor.

Actually, he specializes

in alternative medicine.

That is, alternative to this planet.

Do me a favor and don't tell anybody

you saw me here, okay?

You can trust us, Bill Murray.

- You hiding out or something?

- Yeah, sort of, something like that.

Now I'm thinking it may be delirium.

- Serious delirium.

- Serious.

If you're on the low, I got something

that'll help you with your disguise.

Take this.

- Use whatever you want.

- Jeez.

- Rock that, man. Stay on the low.

- You didn't have to do this. This is great.

A bag of items for you, Bill.

- Thank you.

- Don't worry about it.

I really appreciate this.

This is great.

Doc, what could I do for this cough?

I was just thinking about that.

Check this out.

- You get some hydrogen peroxide.

- We got that for cuts and stuff.

Take 50% hydrogen peroxide, 50% water.

You gargle with it.

Do not swallow, you spit it out.

Don't swallow, Bill Murray.

And if that doesn't work, try oven cleaner.

I got that in the back, too.

- Thank you.

- Cool.

Thank you. I'm going to try it right now.

- Word.

- Word, man.

- Bill motherfucking Murray.

- It's crazy, yo.

- 3:
00.

- What's up?

I told Ghost to be here by 3:00 a.m.

Don't hold your breath on that.

You know how it is waiting on Ghost.

- We'll be here all night.

- Think we can smoke a blunt up here?

- It's hot up in here with the 5-0.

- But we used to always smoke weed in here.

That was until Dirt Dog done blew it up.

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