Coffee and Cigarettes Page #5

Likewise, I'm certainly very aware of you.

Great.

I saw that TV series you did.

Yeah, you saw that?

Yeah. Interesting.

- We got canceled.

- Yeah, I heard that.

Comedy's such a difficult thing.

Your career seems to be going terribly well.

You've got a lot of heat at the moment.

Is that why you're here?

The merry-go-round of meetings. It's nice.

People are finally starting

to take a bit of notice, which is great.

- Are you meeting on anything interesting?

- Yeah.

I've got to say you were just fantastic...

in 24 Hour. No, seriously,

24 Hour Party People was just a knockout.

- I mean, brilliant. Great work.

- Thank you.

Really brilliant. It was...

And the reviews...

They were pretty f***ing great.

I was amazed because it was...

I didn't think many people would get

all the cultural references.

Sort of, Manchester, early '80s,

the whole music scene.

You'd be surprised.

But a lot of people didn't have any kind

of reference to make to it because...

They know about the bands over here...

but the whole thing, your character,

and his running the TV show...

Do you want a cigarette?

- Sorry, they're French.

- No, that's okay. Thanks.

I'll save it for later.

Okay.

So, Laura said that...

you were really keen to meeting.

She wouldn't tell me what it was.

I didn't want to say it over the phone

because it would've sounded weird.

I can imagine how she thought.

This was coming out of nowhere.

I phone her up,

and she doesn't know me from Adam.

I said, "I must talk to Steve Coogan."

But I wanted to see you in person.

When I found out you'd be here

for a few days...

I thought this was the perfect opportunity

to let you know...

Anyway, I'll get right to it.

I'm so excited about this.

Let me try and put it in context.

I've always had a big passion for history...

and people's lives...

and all the little events

of how you get from A to B...

and all the small details in people's lives...

that are kind of really full of epic qualities.

So I've been doing all this research and...

I've come up with this.

And what state is...

Is it greenlit or is it just a treatment?

What stage is it?

I'm sorry. God, it's so embarrassing.

It's not some... This isn't work.

It's got nothing to do with work.

It's not a project.

I did some genealogical research,

and I came across...

What I discovered was...

- Mr. Coogan?

- Yes?

- It is you, isn't it?

- It is, yes.

- I'm such a huge fan.

- You're not that huge.

Only where it counts.

- Could I bother you for an autograph?

- Absolutely.

- Great.

- I've been recognized.

Where do you want it?

- Paper is fine.

- Spoilsport.

- No, don't do that.

- Sorry.

- I probably have something in my bag.

- Okay.

Just give me a second here.

Oh, gosh.

- I'm so sorry.

- That's all right.

- Give me one more minute.

- Take your time.

- Here, please, in there.

- Okay, and what's your name?

Katy.

- With a "Y."

- All right.

What Katy did next.

- Hello.

- Alfred's an actor, too.

- Here.

- Thank you. Great.

- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.

- Wow.

- Let's get back to this.

I don't want to take up too much

of your time. I know you're busy.

As I said, I did this genealogical research...

I was just doing it for my own interest.

I wasn't looking for anything specific.

I just came across this.

I'll cut a long story short.

Steve Coogan.

Drum roll.

The thing is, Steve...

you and I are cousins.

How do you mean? You mean artistically?

No, I mean in the normal way.

We're cousins. We're related.

- It's amazing, isn't it?

- Yeah. Are you sure?

The way it works out is, look:

My great-great grandfather...

is your great-great uncle.

And further back, we shared

the same great-great-great grandfather.

My ancestry is Irish,

but I knew there was an Italian...

That's it. The Italian connection is...

the great-great-great-great grandfather,

Giuseppe.

- Isn't that amazing?

- Yeah, this is...

This is a lot of detail.

- It's my thing, I kind of do a little...

- Amazing.

I think it's just great to be able to say

that I'm related to Steve Coogan.

Likewise, I can tell people

I'm related to Albert Molina.

Alfred.

It's my grandmother who's the big one

on the family tree.

She'll be very thrilled.

She's a huge fan of your work.

She loved you in...

Boogie Nights.

Right. With the shorts and the shotgun?

Yeah, she talked about that once.

Great.

I know this is coming right out of the blue,

but just think of the possibilities.

It's fantastic. Let's look at the facts.

We're both actors.

We're cousins, we've established that.

We could maybe work together,

do a play maybe.

We could make a movie.

We could actually do a movie

about this story.

About discovering this amazing thing

between us, that we're cousins.

The story could be two actors...

who discover that they're cousins.

We can actually play ourselves.

We'd be in the movie.

I'd be Fred Molina, you'd be Steve...

We'd be cousins in the movie.

It's fantastic. It'd be great, absolutely great.

You know, or not. We could just hang out.

We should definitely go

for a beer sometime. That'd be great.

Maybe go on vacation together,

just the two of us...

sort of get to know each other.

You're not gay are you?

No.

No, I'm married.

So was James I.

Sorry. I don't know,

that just popped into my head.

- Say it, get it out of the way.

- I understand.

I know exactly what you're thinking.

If somebody came up to me going,

"I'm your cousin"...

I'd think they were a nutter as well.

Take it from me, I'm not crazy.

I just think

this is a fantastic, extraordinary...

- delightful thing for me.

- Absolutely.

- And I just wanted you to know about it.

- Ditto.

All I want, if I want anything...

is for you to just acknowledge

this extraordinary thing...

and just love me.

Yeah, I could do that.

I have to go.

I didn't tell you. I have this meeting.

- It actually moved forward.

- I see.

It's at Universal.

Number crunchers, financiers...

- This...

- That's for you.

- That's great.

- It's yours.

- I'll make sure that gets filed.

- Sure.

You'll be here a couple of days, right?

So maybe we could see each other

before you go.

Just checking the mental diary...

This is not good, the time I'm here.

- It's just that it's packed.

- I understand.

No problem.

Give me your cell phone number,

and I'll call you before you go.

There's a story there.

There's a tri-band system

here in the States...

which is different to the system in the UK...

and it's a kind of...

The cell phones, they don't work here.

So I'm kind of cell phone-less...

- in the US.

- I see.

Well, give me your home number.

I'll call you.

- You've got my PA's number, right?

- Yeah.

Great, then we're connected.

Can't you give me your number at home?

Can I say no?

Because nothing,

absolutely nothing personal...

It's just that I never

give my number out, ever.

It's just a personal space thing.

It's just a rule and I always think,

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