Cold Comfort Farm Page #5

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She's playin' her wiles on all of you.

I've watched her.

Reuben, Seth, now Amos.

I'm not havin' it, girl. There've

always been Starkadders...

at Cold Comfort Farm. At Cold Comfort

Farm. Yes, Mother, don't upset yourself.

Starkadders! Always

were, always will be.

Tell her, girl. Tell her!

Hear what I said? Starkadders!

Adam, you're not using that nice dish

mop I bought you for the clettering.

Nay. I'd never put that pretty

in gurt-greasy washing-up water.

I mun do that with thorn

twigs. They'll serve.

'Tis prettier than apple

bloom, my little mop.

Is something wrong, Adam?

'Tis my little wennit.

What's the matter with her?

She's always peerin' through

the windows up Howchiker Hall...

to get a sight of that young

chuck-stubbard Master Richard.

Dick Hawk-Monitor? Arr! Blast him...

for a setup yearlin'

of a womanizer.

Oh, I hear

he's nice enough.

You knows the ways

of gentry.

Him the young squire and her just

a little wennit out of nature.

Indeed I do know

the ways of gentry.

I'm sure he means no harm.

The problem is, Elfine's

not quite the sort gentry marry.

'Tis what I mean. Leave it

to me, Adam. I'll talk to her.

Poor little wennit.

Sister Sun

and Brother Wind,

dancin' through

the woodland trees,

this little ode

to you I sing...

and whisper it

upon the breeze.

Really, Elfine, don't you think

you sometimes overdo it a bit?

Overdo what?

This will-o'- the-wisp thing.

Who encouraged you

to be like that?

Miss Ashford from the Arts

and Crafts Shop in Beershorn.

She was so kind to me.

She taught me such a lot:

how to dress,

how to speak beautifully.

And she had

such lovely things.

And she made you read poetry. Mmm.

Write it, too, probably. Yes. I'm

going to publish a volume when I'm 50.

Oh. And that's why you have to

be alone on the hillsides, is it?

Yes. It's where I can be

with my poetry and my dreams.

Anyway, I can't stand the

farm another minute. Why not?

Urk, of course.

He's horrible.

He's always in the tree

outside my window, spying on me.

Mmm. Grandma Doom says I'm

promised to marry him when I'm 18.

Oh, no! Why? Because he's a Starkadder.

And there have always been

Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm.

But there's someone else,

isn't there?

How did you know?

There always is.

Dick Hawk-Monitor

at the Hall? Yes?

Are you engaged to him? Engaged? No.

No, it's-

It's too binding.

Mmm. Don't you think it's

horrible to bind someone down?

I see. So he doesn't

want to marry you.

Oh, I think he does

sometimes,

but he's got this London

cousin called Pamela.

It's his 21st birthday party next

month. They're bound to get engaged then.

Next month? Well,

then, it's quite simple.

You must go to this party

and win him over.

I can't go to the party. Grandma Doom

doesn't let us accept invitations.

Only to funerals and

the churchin' of women.

Look! There he is!

Isn't he fine?

[ Flora ] Yes. He should

suit you very nicely.

Would you like me

to help you?

Reuben.

Miss Poste.

Goin' to church again

with the old devil? No.

I was advising Cousin Amos to address

his sermons to a wider audience.

Wants to frighten the birds

off the trees, does he?

Think about it, Reuben.

If he were away preaching,

someone else would need

to take charge of the farm.

And so I'll have to one day,

when the old devil dies.

But he talks of

leaving it to Adam.

Wouldn't it be better if whoever took

charge got a real grip on things...

so when Cousin Amos came back, he could

see it ought to be left to that person?

Oh, I get it.

Meaning you.

No, Reuben, I've told you before, I

don't want the farm. Meanin'who, then?

Meaning you, Reuben.

Who, me?

Aye, thee.

Ah, 'tis impossible.

Aunt Ada'll

never let him go.

If anyone talks o' leavin',

she has an attack.

She's ill.

How does it show?

Oh, has to know

everythin' as goes on.

Has to see the milk book,

chicken book, cow book.

We keeps back the books,

she has an attack.

We ask for pocket money,

she has an attack.

Anyone wants to wed,

she has an attack.

Anyone want to leave

Cold Comfort-

She ain't like

other people's grandmothers.

She's mad, and that's all.

I see. Well,just because

Aunt Ada is mad,

that's no reason why you shouldn't

persuade Amos to go on his preaching tour.

Dang me if it don't.

Aunt Ada, isn't it

time we talked?

I saw something nasty.

Saw something nasty!

Aunt Ada! Something

nasty in the woodshed.

Go away, girl!

[ Sighs ]

How long have you been

in there, Aunt Ada?

Ever since myJudith

married Amos.

Isn't it lonely?

Lonely?

I saw something nasty in

the woodshed. Did you? What?

I don't remember anymore.

I was little.

Something terrible!

And it was in the woodshed?

Are you sure?

Course I'm sure.

Or maybe the potting shed.

Or the bicycle shed.

Or the tool shed.

All these years,

getting five good meals a day,

running the farm, ruling

the roost, everyone doing...

exactly as you say and

sacrificing their lives to yours?

That's not bad, is it, just for

seeing something nasty in the woodshed?

Everything depends on me.

Does it?

[ Geese Honking ]

The bull's out.

Big Business? [ Flora ] Is that bad?

That's terrible. Someone'll get

hurt. Urk, get the bull fork.

Adam, come on! Bull's out! Where's Seth?

Dang Seth! Come on! All right!

Somethin' to do with you,

isn't it? Why me, Urk?

I know you're tryin' to take

Elfine away from me. She's mine.

She were promised me the day she

was born. You heed what I say.

[ Amos ] Urk! When the water-voles

mate this summer, she be mine.

Better hurry, Urk.

The bull's out.

[ Indistinct Shout ]

Come on!

[ Clucking ]

No, boy!

Come on, boy!

[ Bull Bellowing ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Whispering ]

Elfine!

Whoa.

Voila.

No, no. Low here?

[ Murmuring ]

[ Murmuring In French ]

[ Mary ] Oh, that's

lovely. Yes, that's it.

You happy, darling?

Yes, I think that's sweet.

Right here.

[ Murmuring ]

Round neck,

I think.

[ Mary ] Yes, I think a small

train. And then somewhere here,

we're needing a bit

of uplift, I think.

Here we have a prime example of Ecole

de Paris painting. He's also very keen...

on the whole calligraphic effect of his

painting, the very linear quality of it.

Always with his work,

you find-

Flora, what do you think?

No, please, look at this.

Higher Common Sense.

Very good. Very clever.

Especially the introduction.

[ Cork Popping ]

That's for you.

Oh, thank you.

I think she's charming.

Wait 'til we've finished.

Do you like your new dress,

Elfine? Oh, it's heavenly.

It's white satin, straight

lines. Better than poetry?

Do explain to her

about poetry, Mary.

Do I gather that you love poetry and

think that if you talk about it...

to a young man like Dick

Hawk-Monitor, he'll be pleased?

- Everybody loves poetry.

- [ Mary ] Most decent young men are totally alarmed...

when they hear that a girl

reads it, let alone writes it.

Tell her, Charles. Dick Hawk

- Monitor's a perfectly nice chap.

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