Cold Comfort Farm Page #6

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- You know him?

- Of course. And his mother. Rather well, actually.

But poetry and Dick-

No, quite frankly. In fact,

when poetry's combined...

with ill-groomed hair and eccentric

dress, it's generally fatal.

You're very lucky, Elfine. He

must have seen your finer points.

I shall write it secretly

then. Quite right.

It's bad to be dewy-eyed among smart people,

but you can always secretly despise them.

You see, Elfine, we tell you these things so

you'll have some standards inside yourself,

now you're going to meet

a new kind of life.

[ Flora ] Everything

arranged, Charles? Absolutely.

What's arranged? [ Flora ] Never mind.

Charles is going to help.

I said I might.

Who's this man Mybug?

Oh,just a strange Lawrentian person

who says he's in love with me.

[ Mary ]

Jealous, Charles?

Good. Enjoying yourself, Elfine?

Oh, it's going to be such

fun. No, it's going to be...

"amusing" or "diverting,"

not "such fun," darling.

Hi there, Flora Poste.

Mr. Neck! Hello! Back on

one of your London trips?

Yeah, I few into the Savoy this morning.

This is Earl P. Neck, the Hollywood

movie czar. We met at the Paris Film Club.

My friend

Mary Smiling.

Mary! [ Flora ] Elfine.

Elfine!

Charles.

Charles.

[ Mary ] Won't you join

us? Thank you, thank you.

Tell me, Mr. Neck,

what exactly

does a czar do?

[ Laughing ]

What do I do?

Imagine the night sky.

What do you see?

- Clouds?

- You see stars.

And what you see up there,

I spot down here.

I take ordinary people,

and I turn 'em into asteroids.

[ Mary ] Flora does the

same. This is her latest.

Oh, she's wonderful! And so are

you, Miss Poste. You care to rumba?

Smythe-Forsythes.

h - huh.

Smith-Jones,

Clyde-Forresters.

Miss Gertrude Forster. Oh, those

unfortunate Field-Morrisons.

Oh. Oh! Oh, and I've

invited Pamela's parents.

Just in case there's a

double celebration. Mother!

Oh, Flora, I feel sick. You can't

feel sick. Everything's arranged.

[ Bell Ringing ]

Is Urk out the way? Saw

him down Ticklepenny Corner,

talkin' to

the water-voles.

[ Cow Bellowing ]

I say, this is all

awfully Gothic, isn't it?

You do look extremely nice,

Flora. The dress is charming.

And as for your protege, she's quite

beautiful. Don't chatter, Charles.

Just drive quietly off.

Oh. Oh, I say.

[ Mrs. Hawk - Monitor ]

Roger! How lovely to see you.

Oh, my dear, what a beautiful

dress! Have a lovely time.

James! How lovely to see

you. Hello,Jane. How are you?

Have fun. Charles!

All the way from London.

You didn't travel up with Pamela, by any

chance. Afraid not, Mrs. Hawk-Monitor.

May I introduce Flora Poste?

She's staying locally, actually.

Oh, what a shame, Miss Poste. We haven't

seen anything of you. Where are you staying?

I'm just staying a few miles up the road

with relatives. It's my first evening out.

Oh. Well, have a lovely

evening. Thanks very much.

All right, thank you.

Good evening. Who's that?

Elfine.

You look incredible.

Is it working?

I should say so.

I must go downstairs.

Oh, Mother.

You're mistaken. 'Tis not the first

of May nor the seventeenth of October.

You bide here. I tell

you I must go downstairs.

I must have you all round me. I must

have all the Starkadders round me.

To see if anyone's missing.

Nobody's missing, Mother.

Get me my liberty bodice, girl.

And the elastic-sided boots.

I hope you're not feeling

neglected, Seth. No, I aren't.

London girls. Them told me I was absolutely body

- thrillin:

So you are, Seth.

They're all the same.

Only want your blood, your breath,

the very heart of your thoughts.

I ain't got no time for that.

What have you got time for, Seth?

Movies. There was a dance just

like this in 'Criminal Lusts'.

Shall we

try it then?

Miss Poste.

Miss Poste!

I love you!

Miss Poste!

You do enjoy yourself,

don't you?

I try to bring people round

to the higher common sense.

Oh, I shouldn't let you do that

to me. Think of all the good I do.

Elfine's the belle of the ball.

Dick has the girl he wants.

Seth's enjoying himself teasing

all the London debutantes.

And you're having

a lovely time with me.

Take your disgusting

bourgeois hands off me!

Miss Poste! Miss Poste!

Tell them who I am!

- He's Mr. Mybug, a famous writer.

- I'm sorry, miss.

This is a private party. Come

on, sir. Miss Poste! Miss Poste!

I'm engorgingly

in love with you!

I can't help feeling

a bit sorry for him.

Never mind. We're all

purified by suffering.

He's so obnoxious. I haven't the heart to

tell him that's why I won't let him kiss me.

He thinks I'm inhibited. I'm

not, of course. I'm not obnoxious.

No, Charles. Exactly. Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Ladies and gentlemen,

friends,

Lord Lieutenant,

I'm really glad you

could all come to my 21st.

[ Guests Murmuring ]

Mama hasn't thrown a bash for me like this

since I was wearing a christening dress.

[ Laughter ]

- Anyway, this has been a particularly fine evening.

- [ Guests ] Hear, hear!

No, I mean for me.

Because, well, I've

something to tell you all.

Miss Elfine Starkadder and I

have just become engaged.

- Elfine?

- [ Guests Gasping, Murmuring ]

[ Applause ]

[ Orchestra ]

For they are

jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

And so say all of us

And so say all of us

For they are

jolly good fellows

And so say all of us

[ Laughter,

Applause ]

It was wonderful, Flora! The

happiest night of my life!

Yes, a brilliant evening, Flora.

Congratulations, Elfine.

Just better hope Grandma

don't stop it now, eh?

[ Charles ] I thought you

told me they'd all be in bed.

It's Grandma.

She's come downstairs.

I reckon she's holding a

countin'. What counting?

We a rum lot, us Starkadders.

Some of us goes barmy.

Some of us dies in childhood. Some

of us pushes others down wells.

So once a year, Grandma holds a little

gatherin'... called the countin'.

She must be doin'it

early for some reason.

Charles, thank you.

Come back to London

with me. No, Charles.

It's not finished yet.

I say, Flora.

When am I going

to get a look in?

'Twas a burnin'noonday

and me no bigger

than a titty wren.

And I saw something nasty...

in the woodshed.

In the woodshed.

You're all wicked and cruel. I

know you all want to go away...

and leave me

with what I saw.

But there've always

been Starkadders...

at Cold Comfort Farm.

At Cold Comfort Farm.

And you'll never go,

none of you.

[ Door Opening ]

[ Flora ] Well, well, the

gang's all here, isn't it?

I don't suppose

there are any sandwiches.

Who's that there then?

It's Robert Poste's child.

Come and meet

your Aunt Ada Doom.

How do you do,

Aunt Ada?

Look who's come to see you,

Mother. It's Flora Poste.

I saw something nasty

in the woodshed.

There've always been Starkadders at

Cold Comfort Farm. At Cold Comfort Farm.

You'll stay here,

all of you.

Amos and Judith, Seth and

Reuben, Urk and Elfine.

- And Rennet.

- Who's Rennet?

The one who looks as if she just jumped in the

well. She's a kind of third cousin, we think.

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