Cold Comfort Farm Page #7

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[ Tapping ]

It's time to hold

the countin'.

Where's my Seth?

Here I be.

Ah.

- I'll never leave you, Grandma.

- Aye,you're my mommet, my pippet.

The Lord sees

your lascivious glances.

But how grand he is

tonight. And Elfine.

Dressed up like

a proper little lady.

What's all this? What you been

doin', boy? Tell your granny.

He's been to a dance at the

Hawk-Monitors. So have I.

So has Elfine.

And what's more, Aunt Ada,

Elfine and Richard Hawk-Monitor are

engaged to be married a month from now.

- No! My little water-vole! My

little water-vole! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

She b'ain't worth it. She b'ain't

worth nothin'. I'll go mad!

Elfine was promised to Urk

when she was born.

Amos,you're the man here.

Tell them what their duty is.

I've got somethin'

to say, Mother.

I been wrestlin' and

prayin' and broodin' over it,

and I know the Lord's

truth at last.

I mun go abroad

in one of they Ford vans,

preachin' all over

the countryside.

Aye, like

the apostles of old.

I've heard my call,

and I mun follow it.

No,you don't!

No one can leave me!

I shall go mad and die alone in the

woodshed with nasty things pressin' on me!

She'll go mad! You strike

and torment me all you want.

I hear the glad voices

of the angels callin' me...

over the ploughed fields,

and the little seedlings is

clapping their hands in prayer.

'Tis good-bye to ye all.

I've broken your chains

at last, Mother,

with the help of the angels

and the Lord's Word.

[ Sighs ]

Where's me hat?

No, Amos!

What shall become of us?

The Lord will provide.

Or not, according

to His whim.

I'll send you a card

from where I'm going.

I shall go mad, Amos.

I promise you.

I'm sorry, Mother.

The Lord's will.

[ Wailing ]

We're doomed!

[ Door Slamming ]

Urk, Elfine's yours.

Promised the day she was born.

You take her

back, boy.

Urk, she just b'ain't

worth it. No, she b'ain't.

'Ave me instead. Don't you have

him, ducky, 'less you feels like it.

I can always make him wash

a bit, if I feels like it.

Urk! Come on, me beauty.

- Dirt as ye are, we'll sink into the mire together.

- Urk, wait. Don't you go too.

- I shall go mad, I tell you.

- [ Meriam Laughing, Squealing ]

I expect there'll be another little

Beetle soon, now the sukebind's fowerin'.

[ Door Slamming ] Amos gone, Urk gone.

I'm all alone.

All alone in the woodshed.

And who took them away?

It was you,

wasn't it?

You chit!

You scheming brat!

It was you,

Robert Poste's child!

You poured poison

into their ears!

Come on. Sit down. Come on.

They're all gone,

and I saw something nasty

in the woodshed.

Don't worry, Grandma.

I'm still here.

You'll break our hearts,

too, you Libertine. I know it.

Come along, Miss Poste.

'Tis time you were in bed.

Thank you, Reuben.

You're an utter lamb.

Ah, you got the old devil

out o' the way.

Farm'll be mine now,

won't it?

I don't forget, Miss Poste.

Yes, of course, Reuben.

Good night.

[ Cow Moos ]

Mr. Neck!

Mr. Neck!

Mr. Neck!

Is the, uh, House of

Usher open? May I come in?

Mr. Neck, how wonderful

to see you. I'll come down.

[ Flora ] Well, Mr. Neck,

Mary said in her last letter...

that you were still looking

for English film stars.

Sure am, but I don't want sissies.

Sissies give me a pain in the neck.

They're starting to give the goddamn

American public a pain in the neck too.

Believe me, it's

red meat time in movies.

Well, there's plenty of red meat

at Cold Comfort Farm.

You mean someone like TeckJones?

Yeah. Teck's a good kid.

He can ride all right,

but he's got no body urge.

I want a man

to fetch the women.

Some big, husky guy that

smells of the great outdoors.

A guy who can live and love

and still handle a plough.

You mean

like Slake Fountain?

Sure, but it takes 20 guys to pull a

bottle off him before he gets on set.

[ Sniffing ]

That's it! Hold it

there. Who are you, son?

Oh, Seth, there you are. This

is my cousin Seth Starkadder.

He's very interested in the

talkies. Mr. Neck is a film producer.

Seth... Starkadder! Hit

'em right with it, eh?

[ Chuckling ] So you're

a fan, sweetheart?

You and me should

get acquainted, huh?

Maybe you've thought of being in

the movies yourself. What if I have?

[ Cow Bellows ]

He's got the fesh. He's

got the burr in his voice.

And he can plow

and mollock.

I got the what? You just

got the big offer, son.

How would you like to be in

the movies, Seth Starkadder?

I'd like it more than

anything else in the world.

Ain't that dandy! He wants to be a

movie star, and I wanna make him one!

Seth, no!

You can't leave your mother!

You mustn't go!

Oh, I knew it!

I knew it would come to this!

[ Sobbing ] Got to go, Mother.

It's what I were

always made for.

God, he's terrific!

Gee, ma'am, I know it's raw, I know

it's tough, but that's life, sweetheart.

Go on, get your coat, boy.

Time to be off!

We take the Transatlantic

Clipper in the morning.

You can't do this to me.

You can't leave your mother.

There's a spring

onion harvest!

'Tis man's work!

Oh, Seth, no!

I'm a dead woman!

I'd take her, too,

but she's gloomy.

Look, Mama, he'll be fine.

I got the perfect part.

Seth Starkadder

in 'Small Town Cowboy'.

He'll send you five grand from the

movie, and you'll be mama to a star.

[ Wailing ]

[ Chickens Clucking,

Squawking ]

Good-bye, Mr. Neck. I'm sure we'll meet

again in London. I look forward to it.

And thanks for the boy.

He's quite a find.

[Judith ] Mother! Mother! Come on down!

Mother, he's

taking my Seth!

No!

Oh, Seth!

Oh, Mercy!

It's Great - Aunt Ada.

Seth!

You'd better hurry and go.

Don't leave me!

No! I forbid it!

I saw something nasty

in the woodshed.

- Sure, you did, but did it see you, baby?

- [ Cow Moos ]

Come on, Seth!

Hollywood's waiting.

["Tara's Theme"]

Oh, Seth.

[ Continues ]

[ Inhales Loudly ]

- [ Ignition Starts ]

- Seth, you can't leave us!

You mustn't go! [ Seth ] Good

- bye, Mother.

Oh, Seth!

Seth!

Seth! Seth!

[ Sobbing ]

I'm a dead woman.

[ Geese Honking ]

[ Blows ]

[ Spits ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Piglets Squealing ]

Drive a plough

Or milk a cow

Oh, I can reap and mow

I'm as fresh as a daisy

That grows in the field

[ Lowing ]

[ Bell Jangles ]

And they calls I

Buttercup Joe

[ Pigs Squealing ]

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, well,

place looks a lot better,

eh, Miss Poste?

Much better, Reuben. I knew

you were the one to take charge.

Yeah. Should please the old

devil when he comes back, eh?

I don't think he is coming

back. I had a card today.

"Praise the Lord. I go to spread the

Word among the heathen Americans...

"with the Reverend Elderberry

Shiftglass of Chicago.

Tell Reuben he can have the

old place. Amos Starkadder. "

Have the place?

What, it's mine?

One day.

When the old lady-

Oh, Cousin Flora, 'twere a good

day when ye came to Cold Comfort.

Here,

I don't suppose

you'd marry me?

Oh, Reuben,

that is nice of you.

Oh, I mean it, Miss Poste.

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