Colin Quinn: The New York Story Page #3

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of punishment.

Theyre like, They did that to me

my whole life. Ill do that to people.

When people say,

Why were all the New York cops Irish?

Cause the police academy

was Catholic school.

Nobody likes to admit it,

but a good cop should have

the listening skills of a good bartender

and the unpredictable violence of a nun.

-Now... So...

The Irish...

Theres still an Irish vibe.

Like, you can tell when

you compliment somebody from New York,

the Irish influence.

You're like, Nice haircut.

They're like, F*** you,

whats wrong with it?

You're like, "No."

I said it was nice.

I know what you meant.

So the Irish ran New York

for about 40 years.

Then 1880, the Jews show up.

And... I think its safe to say most

of the Jews have not physically recovered

from their boat trip.

Theyre still...

Somethin about that boat. Theyre still

kind of seasick if you talk to them.

Its genetically passed down

over the generations.

A little nauseous. How was the trip?

It was hot. Thats how it was.

The Jews were the only immigrant group

that wanted to be checked

for tuberculosis at Ellis Island.

Every other groups like,

Dont let em touch me

with a stethoscope. Theyll send me home.

The Jews are like, Excuse me.

You missed this whole section.

Im wondering why.

Youre supposed to be a doctor.

They love their doctor.

They came and they worked

the sweatshops when they came over.

They had to work--

All the sweatshops were all Jews.

They were the earliest union organizers.

They started all the unions.

Cause I guarantee

somebody must have said,

We need volunteers to complain

about conditions. Is there any--"

Every hand shot up. I was gonna

do it anyway. Make it official.

And...

The Jews dont even consider it complaint.

Theyre just inquiring

why you would do it that way

when there might be an alternative.

Cause they...

They came here to not talk.

Remember, theyre like, Dont talk.

The pogroms of Europe traumatized--

But after a couple of months,

it drove them crazy.

I just wanna ask one question.

If they tell me to shut up, Ill shut up.

And they looked around, you know.

Were not gonna get civil servant jobs.

The Irish have those locked down.

What about what doesnt exist?

What about those abandoned buildings?

They saved their money

from the sweatshops.

Show up, Department of Buildings,

Irish civil servant.

Nobodys asked him a question

in 12 years. He loves his job.

Hell take a three-hour liquid lunch

whenever he feels like it.

Then, these two cultures never met.

The Jewish guys like, Excuse me.

I'm wondering about--

We want to buy the abandoned building.

Hes like,

Thats the citys. Its not for sale.

So, other people just walk away.

Irish people are like, Oh.

Just curious.

When you say that's the city, is that you?

Is there somebody I should talk to?

The Irish guys like, Pushy bastard.

Do you believe the pushy f***?

Irish guy tries to scare him. Trust me.

You dont want to deal with the city.

Paperwork, inspectors, licenses,

Department of Sanitation,

Department of Health, permits.

He thinks hes scaring the guy.

He doesnt realize

hes turning him on right now.

The Jews arent scared of the paperwork.

Everybody else:
Get the paperwork

done quick. Just sign it.

The Jews are like, Whoa, whoa.

Dont rush me on this paperwork.

Now I am a little suspicious that youre

trying to get me past this paperwork.

I want my nephew-- Hes an accountant.

Id like him to look at it, too.

Thats what the Jews did.

They came and they saw what didnt--

What about that?

What about the fish market?

You wanna be partners? "If you dont,

tell me." Ill be in. Im doin it.

What about the, uh, vaudeville?

Thats puppet shows.

Its fine for cowboys in Montana.

Were supposed

to be civilized people here. You know.

Cultural Center, Lincoln Center,

Carnegie Hall, City Center, all Jews.

Not just the people that started.

I mean, look on the chairs.

Melvin Tannenbaum.

Even out here.

The Michael and Lenore Schimmel Center.

Thats where we are right now.

You know Lenore was like,

You said we were gonna do the thea--"

Okay, okay. Ill do it.

And the audience is all Jews

every night. Right now.

The whole audience... No, wait. Wait.

Once in a while, a couple of young Asians.

Their cousins a cellist.

Otherwise, the whole audience are Jews.

So...

They like the culture, the intelligen--

The New York Times.

Eskimos have 30 words for snow.

Jews have twice that many for stupid.

Schmuck, schmo, schlub, schmendrick.

We could be here all day

on the schs alone.

And they brought that linguistic thing

that we still speak to this day.

All of us still speak that,

uh, art of complaint.

A minor inconvenience in apocalyptic

terminology came from the Jews.

Like, How was traffic? Bad? Murder.

Hows the line in there?

A bloodbath. Ill be honest with you.

You look hungry.

Im starving to death.

Im dying of thirst right now.

Are you uncomfortable?

Im in agony. Im not uncomfortable.

So now you got this Irish

and Jewish kind of vibe goin on.

Then these Italians are comin

ten years after that.

They came like everybody else,

where theyre like,

Hey, where you goin tomorrow?

America.

Really? What part?

Maybe youve heard of it.

Its called none of your f***in business.

What part? Mind your business.

And...

The Italians, they brought the volume.

Because the Irish and Jews were still,

in the house:

Get in here.

Im gonna f***in talk to you.

The Italians, no.

Id be out playin, my friend, Anthony--

Little kids.

His father would lean out the window.

Anthony. Get in. Dinner.

Hes like, No, Dad.

No? Shut the window.

We all knew what was gonna happen

except for Anthony. Hed be playin.

You know. Every time.

His fatherd come out. You wanna play?

Lets play. Lets play for awhile.

Beat him down the block.

Just beating him. Just knocking him

into every car on the block.

All the adults are watching.

Nobody would do anything.

There was no child abuse in those days.

People would be like,

Hey, watch my antenna. You know.

Watch the mirror.

Finally, Anthonys laid out

like Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull.

His father starts cryin.

Anthony, look what you made me do!

Anthonys like, I know, Dad.

What are you doin to me?

Finally, kiss, hug, walk in. Make up.

A mini opera just played out

before your eyes.

Thats the Italians. Theyre operatic.

Its good or bad, high or low.

Theres no in-between. Theres no,

The guys passive aggressive.

No. He spit in my eye, basically.

Youre either the nicest or the worst.

Either youre the be--

I always use whatevers

in the street as the example.

Hes the most honest--

You see them ants eatin that bread?

He wouldnt take the bread from them

if he was starvin to death.

'cause it belongs to them."

Or:
The biggest piece of sh*t.

Hed step over his mothers body

for the love of a dollar. This f***in'--

And they always gotta have the cash out

to show you...

Theyre very-- No wallet. No credit card.

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